LIBRARY  OF  TKE 


WALT  DISNEY  SV 


Wit  and  Humor  of 
American  Statesmen 


<& 


A  COLLECTION  FROM  VARIOUS  SOURCES 

CLASSIFIED    UNDER 

APPROPRIATE  SUBJECT  HEADINGS 

1_ 


,-.  n 


/•73 
N^77 


PHILADELPHIA 

GEORGE  W.  JACOBS  &  CO 

PUBLISHERS 


Copyright,  1902,  by 

George  W.  Jacobs  &  Company, 

Published  September,  igo2 


fee 


P  r  e  f  a  c  e 

If  that  man  is  blessed  who  causes  two  blades 
of  grass  to  sprout  where  but  one  grew  before, 
then  surely  those  of  our  public  men  who,  aside 
from  their  labors  for  the  common  weal,  con- 
tribute to  the  gayety  of  nations  are  to  be  doubly 
commended.  In  this  volume  are  garnered  and 
classified  some  of  the  many  bright  sayings  per- 
petrated on  the  stump,  in  legislature  and  primary, 
in  the  halls  of  Congress — enlivening  many  a 
prosy  and  protracted  debate — or  wherever  men 
of  opposite  political  creeds  meet  and  make  the 
sparks  of  wit  fly  and  scintillate. 

Probably  in  no  other  country  does  politics 
enter  so  largely  and  so  intimately  into  the  daily 
life  of  the  people  as  in  the  United  States,  and 
nowhere  else  is  the  search -light  of  celebrity 
turned  so  relentlessly  upon  our  public  men,  be 
they  merely  politicians  or  those  who  have  grad- 
uated by  sheer  force  of  intellect  into  the  higher 
rank  of  statesmen.  Their  clever  sayings  and 
pungent  witticisms  are  chronicled  and  chuckled 
3 


IP  vet  ace 

.  the  Lakes  to  the  Gulf,  from  the  St. 
Lawren<  e  to  the  Rio  Grande. 

I    msequently  the  hope  may  be  ventured  that 
a  permanent  collection  of  these  good  things  may 
find   a  welcoming  audience  and  evoke  a  reason- 
•  appreciative  mirth. 
the  witticisms  of  statesmen  and  poli- 
ticians embraced   in   this   volume,   it  has  been 
:it    well   to  include  humorous  sayings  of 
farmers,   negroes  and  others  pertaining  to  poli- 
tics;  for  not  all  the  witty  remarks  and  bright 
bits  of  repartee  have  originated   in   legislative 
halls  or  among  our  political  leaders. 


Contents 

Chap.  Pacb 

J.   On  the  Stump 7 

II.   New  Stories  of  Lincoln   ....  28 

III.  Office-Seeking  as  a  Fine  Art     .     .  52 

IV.  Hayseed  Politics 65 

V.  Jacksoniana S$ 

VI.   Where  Woman  Appears    ....      89 
VII.  The  Retort  Courteous    .      .      .      .109 

VIII.    Mistaken  Identity 129 

IX.  "  The  Sage  of  Marshfield,"  (Daniel 

Webster)      .      .      .      .      .  •    .      .140 
X.   "Way  Down  South"       ....    147 
XI.   Benton     and     Douglas    and   Their 

Colleagues 160 

XII.   Lobby  and  Cloak-Room  Yarns   .      .169 

XIII.  Greeleyana 183 

XIV.  "The  Man  in  Possession"      .      .      .    190 
XV.   Senatorial  Courtesy 200 

XVI.   Some  Reed  Anecdotes 213 

XVII.    Ways  and  Means 218 


Wit  and  Humor  of  Ameri- 
can Statesmen 

CHAPTER  I 

On  the  Stump 

One  of  the  strongest  campaigners  ever  in  the 
West  was  ex-Senator  Saunders,  of  Montana. 
The  Democrats  were  always  predicting  defeat 
for  him,  but  Saunders  would  always  bob  up  se- 
renely on  the  night  of  election  with  enough  votes 
to  win ;  on  one  occasion,  however,  they  really 
polled  enough  votes  to  defeat  Saunders.  There 
was  a  grand  ratification  meeting,  with  brass 
bands  and  bonfires,  to  celebrate  the  defeat  of  the 
hitherto  invincible  champion  of  Republicanism, 
and  there  was  a  hullabaloo  that  woke  the  echoes 
for  miles  around.  Just  as  the  speaking  was  un- 
der way  who  should  happen  along  but  Saunders 
himself.  Immediately  a  number  of  Democrats 
surrounded  him,  and,  as  those  things  are  done  out 
West,  urged  him  to  make  a  speech  to  the  crowd. 
7 


8  TOt  ane  Ibumor 

Saunders  objected  at  first,  but  such  strong 
persuasion  was  used  that  he  ultimately  yielded 
and  climbed  up  on  the  platform.  Of  course  the 
meeting  went  wild  on  seeing  him,  but  as  soon  as 
he  stepped  forward  and  opened  his  lips  a  hush 
of  respectful  silence  fell  upon  the  assemblage. 

"Fellow-citizens  and  Democrats,"  he  began 
in  a  ringing  voice,  "this  is  not  my  time  to 
ratify  and  celebrate.  This  entire  occasion  to 
me  has  a  peculiar,  funereal  aspect.  However, 
I  must  say  to  you  Democrats  you  have  been 
honest  with  me."  A  wave  of  applause  swept 
over  the  assemblage.  "  Many  of  your  leading 
men  came  to  me  during  the  campaign  and 
prophesied  my  defeat.  (Applause.)  They  said 
so  sure  was  it  that  I  had  no  chance  of  election 
that  they  could  beat  me  with  a  yellow  dog." 
(Applause,  and  several  voices  in  the  audience 
hurrahed.)  Saunders  paused  until  the  noise 
ided,  and  then  added:  "By  the  gods, 
they've  done  it  !  " 


There  is  such  a  thing  as  being  too  anxious,  as 
witness  the  following  remark  : 

••  yes,"  said  the  statesman,  "I  defeated  my- 
self by  my  own  eloquence  once." 

••  How  was  that?  " 


ot  American  Statesmen  9 

"I  was  a  candidate  for  the  nomination  for 
Congress,  and  I  got  up  and  made  a  speech  to 
the  convention  in  which  I  just  naturally  flung 
Old  Glory  with  a  capital  O  and  a  capital  G  to 
the  breeze  in  so  enthusiastic  a  manner  that  I 
took  the  house  by  storm.  I  dilated  on  the 
greatness  of  our  country  and  on  the  responsi- 
bilities of  the  man  who  should  be  called  to 
make  her  laws,  till  one  old  fellow  from  a 
back  county  got  up  and  said  that  I  had  con- 
vinced him  that  it  was  too  big  a  job  for  so 
young  a  man  as  I  was  to  tackle,  so  he  moved 
that  the  convention  nominate  a  man  of  more 
experience;  and,  by  gee,  they  did  it." 


"Up  in  Greene  County,  New  York  State," 
said  a  city  politician,  "where  I  used  to  go 
to  pasture  now  and  then,  lived  Jephtha  Vining, 
who  was  one  of  the  leading  citizens  up  in  the 
Hensonville  neighborhood,  and  Jephtha  was  a 
yard  wide  and  all  Democrat.  During  the 
Cleveland-Harrison  campaign  of  1892  a  fair 
was  held  at  Cairo,  the  leading  town,  and  I 
was  there.  One  of  the  features  of  the  show 
was  to  be  a  lot  of  oratorical  talent  on  hand. 
The  news  of  it  had  been  scattered  broadcast 
over   the   rural  districts  and  there  was   a  fine 


io  XUit  and  ibumot 

turnout  from  every  direction,  Hensonville 
coming  in  force,  and  among  her  contingent 
was  Vining.  We  were  old  friends,  and, 
naturally  enough,  were  glad  to  see  each  other. 
We  talked  about  personal  matters  for  a  time, 
but  the  topic  of  absorbing  interest  was  the 
meeting  and  we  got  to  that  as  soon  as  we 
could. 

11 '  We're  going  to  have  a  big  time  to-day, ' 
said  I. 

44 '  I  guess  we  air,'  admitted  Jephtha. 

u  4  Yes,  and  the  speakers  they  have  got  are 
good  enough  for  a  national  occasion.' 

44  '  There's  only  one  that  I  keer  pertickeler  to 
hear,'  said  Jephtha,  'and  I've  clean  fergot  his 
name.' 

444  Is  it  Colonel  Danforth  ?  '  I  inquired. 

44 '  No,  that  don't  seem  to  be  it,'  said  Jephtha, 
rubbing  his  chin. 

44  4  Is  it  Judge  O'Gorman?' 

44  4  No,  it  ain't  him.' 

••  'Maybe  it  is  Captain  Conners  of  Mount 
Vernon  ;  he's  a  rattler.' 

44  Jephtha  shook  his  head. 

11  '  Seems  like  I  ought  to  know,'  he  said,  «  but 
I  can't  somehow  call  it.' 

44  4  Well,  whoever  it  is,'  said  I  giving  up  the 
list,  for  I  didn't  know  all  of  the  speakers  myself, 


of  Bmertcan  Statesmen  11 

*  we  are  going  to  have  a  big  time  and  Tammany 

Hall ' 

"'There,'  interrupted  Jephtha,  his  face 
gleaming  with  joy  at  the  discovery,  '  that's 
him.  Tammany  Hall  is  the  feller.  I'd  ruther 
hear  him  speak  than  anybody.'  " 


Champ  Clark  tells  an  amusing  story  of  William 
J.  Bryan's  earlier  political  career.  At  the  time 
Bryan  was  a  fledgling  in  national  politics. 
Bryan  had  been  invited,  with  a  dozen  other 
men,  to  address  a  political  meeting  at  Omaha. 
The  chairman  introduced  a  long  line  of  more  or 
less  distinguished  statesmen  who  were  called 
Judge,  Colonel,  Major-General,  or  by  some 
other  title.  When  it  drew  near  Bryan's  turn  to 
speak  he  began  to  think  that  he  had  no  title, 
but  he  thought  that  he  might  get  some  adverti- 
sing out  of  the  address  for  his  struggling  business 
as  a  lawyer  at  Lincoln.  So  he  went  to  the  chair- 
man and  whispered  to  him  that  when  his  time 
came  to  address  the  assembly  he  should  like  to 
be  introduced  as  "  Mr.  William  J.  Bryan,  the 
rising  young  attorney  of  Lincoln."  The  Chair- 
man grunted  an  assent,  but  when  he  introduced 
Bryan  he  did  it  in  these  words  : 

"  Mr  Bryan  will  now  speak." 


IS  TIGUt  ano  Dumor 

And  so  the  chance  to  gain  an  advertisement 

was  lost. 

****** 

••  My  funniest  experience,"  says  Gen.  Russell 
A.  Alger,  "  during  a  campaign  was  not  on  the 
stump,  although  intimately  connected  with  the 
stump.  I  had  neglected  to  prepare  my  speech 
and,  thinking  it  best  to  jot  down  a  few  notes,  I 
went  to  the  stenographer  at  my  hotel  and  asked 
her  to  take  my  dictation.  She  asked  whether  I 
wanted  it  taken  direct  on  the  machine  ?  I 
thought  that  way  would  be  as  good  as  any  other, 
and  began  dictating.  She  went  right  ahead, 
but  as  I  was  in  the  midst  of  my  peroration  she 
burst  into  tears.  I  wondered  why  my  eloquence 
had  been  so  melting,  and  asked  what  was  the 
matter." 

"'Would  you  mind  speaking  that  all  over 
again  ?  '  she  said,  with  eyes  full  of  tears.  '  I  for- 
got to  put  any  paper  in  the  machine.'  " 

****** 

'•  I  was  stumping  Pennsylvania  during  the 
last  campaign  in  company  with  General  Gobin," 
said  Representative  Olmstead  of  Harrisburg. 
"  1  have  never  acquired  a  knowledge  of  Pennsyl- 
vania Dutch,  and  General  Gobin  impressed  upon 
me  the  advantage  that  would  result  from  such  an 


of  American  Statesmen  13 

accomplishment.  Occasionally  on  our  stumping 
trip  he  would  undertake  to  teach  me  something  of 
that  language,  and  I  flattered  myself  that  I  was 
making  pretty  good  progress.  So  confident 
had  I  become  of  the  advantage  of  speaking 
Dutch  that  before  we  reached  a  town  I  would 
generally  ask  him  to  teach  me  some  good 
Dutch  phrase  that  I  could  weave  into  my  re- 
marks. 

"  One  day,  in  particular,  which  I  remember, 
was  when  we  were  taking  a  carriage  drive  several 
miles  over  a  country  road  to  fill  an  engagement. 
When  the  spires  of  the  town  were  in  view  it  oc- 
curred to  me  to  request  General  Gobin  for  a 
phrase  of  Pennsylvania  Dutch  that  I  could  re- 
peat before  my  audience.  He  responded  read- 
ily and  advised  me  to  say,  <  Was  nempst  ?  '  at 
the  close  of  my  discourse. 

"  Delighted  with  the  suggestion,  I  addressed 
my  audience  in  enthusiastic  terms,  and  conclu- 
ded with  this  eloquent  exordium  :  '  Friends  and 
fellow-citizens,  put  your  cross  at  the  head  of 
the  ticket,  stand  by  the  flag,  and  patriotically 
support  the  Republican  party.     Was  nempst  ?  ' 

"Such  a  rush  for  the  saloon  as  followed  the 
close  of  my  speech  was,  I  believe,  never  before 
witnessed  in  that  section  of  Pennsylvania.  This 
little  phrase  which  General  Gobin  taught  me  is 


h  Ulit  and  fwmor 

Pennsylvania  Dutch  for  '  What  will  you  have  to 
drink  ? '  and  it  actually  cost  me  eighteen  dol- 
.  settle  with  the  delighted  proprietor  of  the 
drink  establishment." 


A  California  pioneer  tells  a  story  of  stump- 
speaking  in  the  Golden  State. 

A  turgid  orator,  so  noted  for  his  verbosity  and 
heaviness  that  he  had  been  dubbed  "  Melan- 
choly "  McCullon,  was  assigned  to  speak  at  a 
mining  camp  in  the  mountains.  There  were 
about  fifty  miners  present  when  he  began.  But, 
when  at  the  end  of  a  coupie  of  hours  he  gave  no 
sign  of  finishing,  his  listeners  dropped  away. 
Some  went  back  to  work,  but  the  majority 
sought  wherewith  to  quench  their  thirst,  which 
had  been  immensely  aggravated  by  the  dryness 
of  the  discourse. 

Finally  there  was  but  one  auditor  left,  a 
dilapidated,  weary-looking,  old  fellow.  Fixing 
his  gaze  on  him,  McCullon  pulled  out  a  man's 
size  six-shooter  and  laid  it  on  the  table.  The  old 
fellow  rose  slowly  and  drawled  out:  "Be  you 
goin'  to  shoot,  ef  I  go  ?  " 

"You  bet  I  am,"  responded  McCullon. 
"I'm  bound  to  finish  my  speech,  even  if  I  have 
to  shoot  to  keep  an  audience." 


ot  amertcan  Statesmen  15 

The  old  fellow  sighed  in  a  tired  manner, 
edged  off  slowly,  saying  as  he  did  so  :  "  Well, 
shoot,  ef  you  want  to.  I  may  jest  as  well  be 
shot  as  talked  to  death." 


During  the  political  campaign  of  1886  Mr. 
Blaine  made  several  speeches  in  the  West, 
among  them  one  at  Detroit  and  another  at  Grand 
Rapids.  The  journey  along  the  Detroit,  Lan- 
sing, and  Northern  Railroad  was  a  proud  one 
for  the  "  Plumed  Knight."  At  every  station 
where  the  train  stopped  he  was  greeted  by  en- 
thusiastic crowds,  who  cheered  him,  and  in  re- 
ply were  given  short  speeches,  each  of  which 
contained  a  pat  application  to  the  locality  and 
the  issues  of  the  campaign. 

"  I  was  talking  with  Mr.  Blaine  and  General 
Alger  when  the  train  pulled  into  Grand  Ledge. 
We  all  stepped  out  on  the  platform.  There  was 
a  peculiar  looking  crowd  of  people  waiting  to  see 
the  statesman.  One  man  yelled  :  '  What's  the 
matter  with  Alger  ? ' 

"  '  He's  all  right  ! '  the  others  bawled  in  re- 
ply. 

"But  no  one  seemed  to  recognize  Blaine. 
The  people  were  craning  their  necks  and  peer- 
ing in  at  the  car  windows.     Finally  one  big  fel- 


is  mit  ano  Dumor 

..pparently  from  the  country,  came  up  to 
the  platform  and  asked,  'General  Alger,  where 
is  Mr.  Blaine?'  " 


There  have  been  many  amusing  stories  about 
the  manner  in  which  the  Rev.  N.  T.  Hopkins 
made  his  race  for  Congress  against  the  Hon.  J. 
M.  Kendall,  but  none  is  more  thoroughly  char- 
acteristic than  this,  which  comes  from  Campton. 
If  there  are  any  things  which  the  Rev.  Hopkins 
knows  less  about  than  probably  any  other  man 
who  ever  aspired  to  so  high  an  office  in 
America,  those  things  are  political  questions  and 
statesmanship. 

Unlike  many  another  man,  however,  who  is 
densely  ignorant,  he  knows  enough  to  try  and 
let  such  matters  alone,  so  far  as  discussing  them 
mcerned,  and  all  through  his  canvass  de- 
voted   himself    to   dodging  joint   debates   and 
hing    in    the    mountain    churches.      His 
strong  suit  has  always  been  his  knowledge  of 
Bible,  and  he  discussed  that  upon  all  occa- 
.  although  his  interpretations  of  it  are  such 
ould  cause  most  theologians  to  have  a  con- 
ve  chill. 
Toward   the  close  of  the  race  his  friends  and 
managers  insisted  that  he  ought  to  make  one  or 


of  amertcan  Statesmen  17 

two  political  speeches,  being  careful,  however, 
to  avoid  running  up  against  any  snags,  and 
they  tried  to  so  arrange  matters  that  no  Demo- 
crat should  be  present  to  answer  him.  After 
much  persuasion  he  reluctantly  consented,  and 
among  the  two  or  three  appointments  arranged 
for  him  was  one  at  Campton.  The  Democrats 
got  wind  of  the  fact  that  he  would  speak  at  the 
latter  place  and  quietly  went  to  Judge  Joseph 
Lykin  and  requested  him  to  be  on  hand  and  di- 
vide time  with  Hopkins. 

The  Judge  consented,  and  was  on  hand  at 
the  appointed  hour,  and  announced  that  he 
would  reply  to  the  Pike  County  candidate.  It 
was  then  that  Hopkins's  mountain  genius  as- 
serted itself.  It  would  never  do  in  the  world  to 
have  his  ignorance  of  political  matters  exposed, 
and  he  could  not  well  prevent  the  Judge  from 
making  a  speech,  so  he  hit  upon  an  entirely  new 
and  previously  unheard-of  plan.  When  he  was 
introduced  to  the  expectant  crowd  he  quickly 
dived  down  into  his  saddle-bags,  which  he  had 
brought  on  the  platform  with  him,  and,  fishing 
out  his  Bible,  announced  a  text  and  proceeded 
to  preach  a  vigorous,  rough-and-tumble  sermon, 
never  once  alluding  to  his  candidacy  or  to 
politics. 

The    worst    disappointed    and     most    thor- 


ih  Wit  and  Ibumor 

oughly  upset  man  in  the  crowd  was  Judge 
Lykin,  who  was  gloating  over  the  fact  that  he 
would  have  a  chance  to  demolish  the  wily  can- 
didate. His  knowledge  of  the  Scriptures  was 
perhaps  as  scant  as  Hopkins's  knowledge  of 
political  questions,  and  he  was,  therefore,  help- 
less and  unable  to  respond.  It  is  safe  to  say 
that  the  next  party  speech  the  gentleman  from 
Pike  County  attempted  to  make,  he  was  abso- 
lutely certain  that  no  Democrat  was  in  reaching 
distance. 


Frank  B.  Burke  of  Indiana  tells  a  good  story 
about  Congressman  George  Cooper.  A  cam- 
paign meeting  had  been  arranged  for  the  Con- 
gressman. The  Republicans  tried  to  have  a 
counter  attraction,  but  were  unable  to  secure  a 
speaker.  Not  to  be  outdone,  some  of  the  lead- 
ers announced  that  a  balloon  ascension  would 
take  place  on  the  afternoon  Congressman  Cooper 
was  to  address  the  people.  The  mere  ascension 
of  the  balloon  was  not  deemed  a  sufficient  at- 
traction, and,  as  a  further  inducement  to  dis- 
tract attention  from  the  Democratic  rally,  it  was 
given  out  that  five  guinea-fowl  would  be  taken 
up  in  the  balloon  and  set  at  liberty.  Their 
captors    were    to    be   rewarded  with   a  suit   of 


ot  American  Statesmen  19 

clothes,  an  order  for  the  garments  being  sus- 
pended from  the  neck  of  each  fowl.  The  day 
of  the  meeting  finally  arrived.  The  crowd 
gathered  in  the  town,  which  was  a  rural  settle- 
ment. At  last  Congressman  Cooper  began  his 
remarks. 

But  little  attention  was  accorded  him.  Nearly 
all  those  present  were  picturing  the  flight  of  the 
balloon  through  the  clouds,  the  descent  of  the 
guineas,  and  the  suits  of  wearing  apparel  their 
capture  meant.  Presently  the  balloon  was  seen 
soaring  aloft.  An  old  farmer  who  stood  near 
an  open  window,  yelled,  "  There  she  goes,"  and 
with  a  bound  was  outside,  following  the  course 
of  the  balloon.  Right  there  the  meeting  ended. 
The  crowd  could  not  be  held,  for  half  of  it 
joined  in  the  mad  effort  to  secure  a  guinea-fowl 
and  the  promised  reward.  Mr.  Cooper  put  on 
his  hat  and  went  to  another  town  to  speak.  It 
was  not  learned  what  became  of  the  guinea-fowl. 


"One  of  the  funniest  campaign  experiences 
I  ever  had,"  says  Col.  Charles  Page  Bryan, 
"was  while  I  was  making  a  speech  down  in  the 
centre  of  my  State.  An  orator,  who  shall  be 
nameless,  was  one  of  the  three  others  besides 
myself  at  the  meeting,  and  delivered  a  long 


20  Wit  anO  Ibumor 

speech,  in  the  course  of  which  he  said  :  <  Re- 
member, if  you  conquer  yourself  you  conquer 
the  greatest  evil  in  the  world.' 

"  He  made  the  assertion  in  all  seriousness  and 
was  evidently  surprised  at  the  burst  of  laughter 
which  greeted  the  statement." 


Alexander  H.  Stephens,  the  Confederate  Vice- 
President,  wanted  the  nomination  for  Congress 
in  a  Georgia  district  before  the  war,  and  had  as 
his  opponent  a  big-bodied,  big-featured,  big- 
lunged  man,  who  prided  himself  on  his  hercu- 
lean girth  and  bellowing  voice.  They  came 
together  at  the  hustings  and  the  big  man  got 
the  floor.  He  held  his  opponent  up  to  ridicule 
and  wound  up  his  harangue  with  these  words : 
"  Why,  look  at  that  man,"  pointing  to  Stephens, 
as  he  sat,  a  mere  bundle  of  skin  and  bones,  in 
an  invalid's  perambulating  chair.  "Look  at 
him.  I  could  swallow  him  at  one  mouthful." 

"  Yes,"  piped  Alexander  from  the  depths  of 
his  chair,  "  and  if  he  did  he'd  have  more  brains 
in  his  stomach  than  he's  got  in  his  head." 


Another  good  story  is  related  of  Bob  Toombs 
and  Gen.  John  B.  Gordon.     General  Gordon  is 


ot  Bmertcan  Statesmen  21 

a  conspicuous  figure  in  the  South,  and  all  who 
have  seen  him  will  recall  to  memory  the  long 
scar  upon  the  upper  part  of  his  left  cheek,  the 
memento  of  a  sabre  wound  received  during  the 
war.  Gordon  is  immensely  popular,  and  of  his 
popularity  Toombs  was  a  little  bit  jealous.  He 
showed  this  feeling  when  in  a  campaign  speech 
he  said : 

"If  that  scar  were  on  the  back  of  Gordon's 
neck  instead  of  on  his  face  he  wouldn't  be  so 
d d  popular." 

Gordon  heard  of  this,  and  a  (gw  days  later, 
while  addressing  a  political  gathering,  got  back 
at  the  famous  orator  as  follows  :  "If  Toombs 
had  been  where  I  was  when  I  got  that  scar  it 
would  be  on  the  back  of  his  neck  instead  of  on 
his  face." 


A  candidate  for  Congress  had  been  making  a 
speech  in  one  of  the  towns  of  his  district  where 
he  was  not  well  known  personally,  and  in  the 
evening  while  waiting  for  a  train,  he  strayed  into  a 
butcher's  shop,  and  without  saying  who  he  was 
began  to  pump  the  butcher  to  find  out  how  he 
stood. 

"  Did  you  hear  that  speech  this  afternoon  ?  " 
he  inquired,  after  some  general  talk. 


22  THUit  anD  Dumoc 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  butcher,  "  I  was  there." 

"  What  did  you  think  of  it?  " 

"Pshaw,"  said  the  honest  butcher,  "I've 
made  a  better  speech  than  that  a  hundred  times, 
trving  to  sell  fifteen  cents'  worth  of  soup-bones." 
The  candidate  concealed  his  identity. 


One  of  the  candidates  for  the  representation 
of  a  country  district,  in  the  course  of  a  speech 
just  previous  to  the  general  election,  had  occa- 
sion to  refer  to  the  flogging  of  children.  Some 
folk,  nowadays,  he  said,  objected  to  beating 
youngsters  at  all,  but  he  agreed  with  the  truth 
in  that  saying  of  the  wise  man  :  "  Spare  the 
rod  and  spoil  the  child." 

"I  suppose  that  I  was  no  worse  than  other 
boys,"  he  went  on  to  say,  "but  I  know  I  had 
some  flogging  myself,  and  I  believe  it  did  me 
good.  Now,  on  one  occasion  I  was  flogged  for 
telling  the  truth  !  " 

"  It  cured  you,  sir !  "  said  a  voice  from  the 
back. 


When  people  run  for  office  they  must  be  care- 
ful what  they  say.  In  Indiana,  a  patriot  who 
for  many  years  had  unsuccessfully  endeavored 


of  Bmencan  Statesmen  23 

to  obtain  a  seat  in  the  Legislature  believed  that 
he  saw  his  way  thither  through  the  Grangers. 
Therefore  he  smiled  upon  and  spoke  to  the 
Grangers.  In  a  biographical  sketch  of  himself 
which  he  introduced  in  one  of  his  speeches  he 
made  this  agricultural  remark:  "Yes,  I  may 
truly  say,  I  was  born  between  two  rows  of  corn." 
At  the  slight  pause  which  followed,  a  broad- 
chested,  hairy-faced  individual  winked  his  eye 
at  another  Indiana  man  and  observed:  "A 
pumpkin,  by  thunder  !  "  Which  so  far  discon- 
certed the  aspirant  that  he  ceased  to  talk. 


Probably  the  most  unique  campaign  speech  on 
record  is  that  made  some  years  ago  by  the  Hon. 
Tim  Campbell,  of  Brooklyn.  In  his  own  dis- 
trict an  Italian  had  the  supreme  audacity  to  run 
against  him,  greatly  to  the  Hon.  Tim's  disgust, 
and  here  is  how  he  disposed  of  the  Dago's 
claims, — and  incidentally  of  other  weighty 
matters : 

"There  is  two  bills  before  the  country — the 
Mills  bill  and  the  McKinley  bill.  The  Mills 
bill  is  for  free  trade,  with  everything  free ;  the 
McKinley  bill  is  for  protection,  with  nothing 
free.  Do  you  want  everything  free,  or  do  you 
want  to  pay  for  everything  ?     Having  thus  dis- 


24  TJUit  and  Ibumor 

posed  of  the  national  issue,  I  will  now  devote 
myself  to  the  local  issue,  which  is  the  Dago 
Rinaldo.  He  is  from  Italy.  I  am  from  Ireland. 
Are  you  in  favor  of  Italy  or  Ireland  ?  Having 
thus  disposed  of  the  local  issue  and  thanking  you 
for  your  attention,  I  will  now  retire." 

****** 
In  a  recent  political  contest  in  the  oil  region 
of  Pennsylvania,  a  candidate  who  had  been  ac- 
cused by  his  opponent  of  want  of  patriotism 
during  our  late  unpleasantness,  took  occasion  in 
vindicating  himself  to  say:  "  Fellow-citizens, 
my  competitor  has  told  you  of  the  services  he 
rendered  in  the  late  war.  I  will  follow  his  ex- 
ample, and  I  shall  tell  you  mine.  He  basely 
insinuates  that  I  was  deaf  to  the  voice  of  honor 
in  that  crisis.  The  truth  is,  I  acted  a  humble 
part  in  that  memorable  contest.  When  the 
tocsin  of  war  summoned  the  chivalry  of  the 
country  to  rally  to  the  defense  of  the  nation,  I, 
fellow-citizens,  animated  by  that  patriotic  spirit 
that  glows  in  every  American  bosom,  hired  a 
substitute  for  that  war,  and  his  bones,  fellow- 
citizens,  now  lie  bleaching  in  the  valley  of  the 
Shenandoah  !  " 

***** 
There  was  not  much  fun  in  the  Presidential 


ot  Bmerican  Statesmen  25 

campaign  of  1876,  though  here  and  there  an 
occasional  bit  cropped  out,  as  at  a  Democratic 
mass-meeting  in  Boston.  After  the  proper 
quantity  of  music  had  been  performed  to  keep 
the  audience  in  good  humor,  Mr.  Dorsheimer 
commenced  a  speech  by  saying,  ' '  Faneuil  Hall 
is  full  to-night;  "  but  here  his  voice  was  drowned 
by  the  confusion.  When  it  subsided,  he  began 
again,  saying,  "Faneuil  Hall  is  full  to-night  !  " 
and  then  pausing  for  rhetorical  effect,  he  gave 
an  opportunity  for  somebody  to  say,  "So  is 
Michael  Doherty."  The  old  hall  shook  with 
laughter,  and  enthusiastic  cheers  were  given  for 
that  corpulent  citizen. 


Ex-Governor  Davis  Butler,  of  Nebraska,  was 
"reminded  of  a  story"  almost  as  frequently  as 
President  Lincoln.  While  electioneering  in  one 
of  the  frontier  counties,  he  was  lodged  at  a  log 
hostelry  where  the  accommodation  was  so  scant 
that  his  Excellence  and  a  son  of  the  Emerald 
Isle  were  assigned  to  the  same  bed.  On  retir- 
ing, the  Governor  remarked  to  Pat  that  he 
would  "have  to  stay  a  long  time  in  the  old 
country  before  he  could  sleep  with  a  Gover- 
nor." 

To  which  Pat  replied,  "  Begorra,  ye'd  have 


M  lUit  anC>  Ibumor 

to  be  a  moighty  long  time  in  the  owld  countfo  f 
before  yer  honor  would  be  Governor  !  " 


At  a  Democratic  meeting  held  in  a  neighbor- 
ing city  it  was  deemed  that  a  good  thing  to  do 
would  be  to  have  a  barbecue.  The  subject  was 
referred  to  a  committee,  who  reported  favorably, 
and  recommended  that  it  be  held  on  Friday 
week.  Upon  the  announcement  of  the  date  an 
excited  Irishman  jumped  to  his  feet  and  ex- 
claimed : 

"  Mr.  Presidint !  I'd  have  ye  to  understand, 
sur,  that  the  great  heft  of  the  Dimmicratic 
Party  don't  ate  mate  on  Friday  !  "  Patrick  put 
that  undeniable  fact  in  a  very  concise  and 
pointed  way.  He  couldn't  have  done  it  better. 
The  barbecue  was  not  held  on  Friday. 


Twenty  years  ago,  in  a  little  town  in  Illinois, 
a  band  of  hopeful  politicians  secured  a  brass 
cannon  with  which  to  celebrate  the  election  of 
Hancock,  and  dragging  it  out  to  a  spot  in  front 
of  the  village  tavern,  loaded  it  clear  to  the 
muzzle  with  a  heavy  charge  of  powder,  rammed 
down  with  old  rags,  leaves,  and  sod.  They 
counted  on  firing  it  but  once,  but  proposed  that 


ot  Bmerican  Statesmen  27 

the  town  should  know  when  it  went  off.  The 
hour  fixed  for  action  was  eight  o'clock,  but  at 
eight  o'clock  the  news  was  unpleasantly  suggest- 
ive of  Garfield,  and  they  postponed  firing  till 
nine.  At  nine  things  looked  more  dubious. 
They  waited  till  ten,  and  then  they  drew  the 
cannon  back  under  the  shed  till  the  morning's 
sure  tidings  should  give  opportunity  to  proclaim 
the  Democratic  victory.  The  morning  decided 
Garfield's  election,  and  sadly  they  sought  the 
gun  to  unload  it.  The  shed  door  opening, 
revealed  the  defiant  muzzle  bearing  this  placard, 

44  A  charge  to  keep  I  have." 


CHAPTER  II 

New  Stories  of  Lincoln 

One  day  during  the  war  a  clerk  from  the 
Adjutant-General's  Office,  called  at  the  White 
House,  and  expressed  to  Mr.  Lincoln  his  de- 
sire to  be  appointed  an  Assistant  Adjutant- 
General. 

"Do  you  know  whether  there  are  any 
vacancies  in  the  Adjutant-General's  Office  at 
this  time?  "  asked  the  President. 

"There  are  none,"  replied  the  clerk,  "but  it 
has  occurred  to  me  that  I  might  be  appointed, 
and  assigned  to  the  staff  of  some  general  officer 
commanding  a  corps,  division,  or  brigade." 

"Exactly,"  said  Mr.  Lincoln;  "  but  has  any 
corps,  division,  or  brigade  commander  applied 
for  you  on  his  staff?" 

"  Not  that  I  am  aware  of,"  was  the  answer. 

"  Well,  sir,  do  you  know  of  any  general  officer 
who  wants  you  upon  his  staff? "  asked  the 
President. 

"  I  cannot  say  that  I  do  at  this  time,  sir," 
replied  he. 

28 


of  American  Statesmen  29 

"Then,"  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  "  it  seems  to  me 
that  you  might  just  as  well  ask  me  to  marry  you 
to  a  woman  who  didn't  want  you  as  to  expect 
me  to  send  you  to  a  General  who  didn't  want  a 
clerk  promoted  from  the  Adjutant-General's 
Office ;  and  if  I  were  to  force  any  General  to 
take  you  against  his  wishes,  I  reckon  he  would 
have  as  good  cause  to  apply  for  a  divorce  as  the 
woman  would  have  who  didn't  want  a  husband  ; 
so  that  it  looks  to  me,  Smith,  as  if  you  had 
bettter  remain  where  you  are  in  the  Adjutant- 
General's  Office  until  somebody  wants  you  else- 
where." 

****** 

It  will  be  remembered  that  while  General 
Grant  was  investing  Petersburg,  the  President 
paid  a  visit  to  City  Point  for  the  purpose  of 
witnessing  the  progress  of  the  military  operations 
in  that  quarter.  It  will  also  be  remembered 
that  at  this  eventful  juncture  the  public  was 
with  breathless  anxiety  watching  every  proceed- 
ing which  had  the  least  bearing  upon  the  issue 
of  the  siege. 

Shortly  after  Lincoln's  arrival  at  City  Point, 
while  he  was  engaged  in  conversation  with  a 
group  of  officers  around  him,  a  distant  musket- 
shot  was  heard  from  the  direction  of  General 
Parke's  corps,  which  then  occupied  the  right  of 


30  Ulit  arte  Ibumor 

our  lines  about  two  miles  from  City  Point. 
Soon  after  this  the  report  of  another  shot  came, 
then  followed  several  others  in  rapid  succession, 
and  directly  afterwards  volleys  were  fired,  inter- 
spersed with  occasional  discharges  of  cannon,  all 
from  nearly  the  same  direction  (Parke's  position). 
The  President  for  a  few  minutes  manifested  con- 
siderable anxiety,  remarking  that  he  could  not 
understand  why  Parke  had  not,  as  he  promised, 
informed  him  if  anything  of  importance  oc- 
curred in  his  vicinity. 

The  officers  could  not  account  for  the  firing, 
as  they  felt  quite  confident  no  considerable 
force  of  the  enemy  could  have  made  its  appear- 
ance near  General  Parke's  corps. 

In  a  short  time,  however,  the  firing  ceased,  and 
the  President  feeling  no  further  apprehension  of 
danger  went  to  bed. 

Early    on    the    following    morning    Colonel 

P e     accompanied     by     General     N s, 

rode  over  to  Parke's  headquarters  to  ascertain 
the  cause  of  the  firing,  when  they  learned  that 
it  was  occasioned  by  a  careless  recruit,  who 
about  dusk  accidentally  discharged  his  musket 
near  one  flank  of  the  line,  which  was  soon  re- 
sponded to  by  an  equally  verdant  tyro  at  some 
other  point,  and  this  was  immediately  followed 
by  other  pattering  shots  along  the  entire  line,  so 


ot  Bmerican  Statesmen  3i 

that  in  a  few  minutes  quite  an  imaginary  battle 
was  inaugurated,  and  in  the  darkness  which 
soon  obscured  everything,  the  troops  verily  be- 
lieving the  enemy  was  in  front  of  them,  fired 
volleys  of  musketry,  with  now  and  then  a  salvo 
of  artillery ;  but  fortunately  nobody  was  hurt, 
and  the  disturbance  was  soon  quelled. 

Charged  with  these  facts,  the  officers  returned 
to  City  Point  and  reported  them  to  Lincoln,  who 
had  just  settled  himself  at  the  breakfast  table. 
Whereupon  he  turned  around  with  a  mischievous 
twinkle  in  his  eyes,  and  smilingly  observed  that 
this  affair  reminded  him  of  an  occurrence  which 
once  took  place  in  Springfield,  Illinois. 

It  happened  upon  one  3d  of  July  night,  after 
quite  a  number  of  people  from  the  surrounding 
country  had  assembled  in  town  in  anticipation  of 
participating  in  the  celebration  of  the  anniver- 
sary of  our  national  independence,  and  after 
nearly  everybody  had  gone  to  sleep,  with  the 
exception  of  a  few  frolicsome  young  fellows  who 
had  been  prowling  about  town  until  after  mid- 
night. They  had  pretty  well  exhausted  their 
ingenuity  in  devising  new  pranks  for  fun  and 
mischief,  when  one  of  them  proposed  to  bet 
drinks  for  the  party  that  he  would  within  five 
minutes'  time  make  every  cock  in  the  whole 
town  crow.      The  wager  was  promptly  accepted 


32  Wit  anD  Ibumor 

and  the  young  fellow,  who  by  constant  practice 
had  reached  perfection  in  imitating  the  crowing 
of  a  chicken-cock,  leaped  upon  a  fence,  and 
slapping  his  thighs  with  his  open  hands,  elevated 
his  mouth,  and  gave  forth  a  vociferous  "cock- 
a-doodle-do-o-o-o,"  which  in  the  stillness  of  the 
calm  night,  reverberated  like  a  clarion  through- 
out every  nook  and  corner  of  the  town ;  but  this 
did  not  elicit  a  response  until  he  made  another 
still  more  powerful  effort,  equal  in  pitch  and 
volume  to  that  of  any  proud  chanticleer  that 
ever  greeted  the  break  of  day.  Then  a  solitary 
reply  issued  from  a  chicken-roost  in  a  remote 
suburb  which  was  soon  taken  up  by  others  in 
different  directions,  and  within  the  brief  period 
specified  in  the  wager  probably  every  cock  in  the 
town  had  repeated  the  call.  But  the  strangest 
part  of  the  whole  affair  was  that  the  sell  was  not 
confined  to  the  chickens,  for  as  soon  as  the 
crowing  commenced  all  the  boys  in  the  place, 
who  very  likely  slept  with  one  eye  open  upon 
that  special  occasion,  and  verily  believing  the 
joyful  Fourth  of  July  had  dawned,  leaped  out  of 
bed,  jumped  into  their  clothes  and  rushed  pell- 
mell  to  the  streets,  and  within  less  time  than  it 
has  taken  to  relate  it,  fire-crackers,  pistols  and 
guns  were  being  discharged  from  every  direction. 
"  But,"  added   the  facetious  narrator,  "  nobody 


of  Bmertcan  Statesmen  33 

was  hurt  any  more  than  when  Parke's  roosters 
prematurely  crowed  last  evening." 


Judge  E.  Rockwood  Hoar,  remarking  on 
President  Lincoln's  dry  humor,  says  that  on 
one  occasion  a  delegation  of  colored  men  had 
waited  on  Mr.  Lincoln,  and  were  evidently  at  a 
loss  to  know  just  what  to  say.  The  President 
waited  a  while,  and  then  remarked  :  "  Well, 
all  who  are  here  seem  to  be  present."  This 
self-evident  proposition  broke  the  ice  and  re- 
moved the  spell  from  the  African  jaw. 

*  *  *  *  *  * 

Uncle  Billy  Green,  of  Illinois,  was  Lincoln's 
partner  in  the  grocery  at  Salem,  and  at  night, 
when  the  customers  were  few,  he  held  the  gram- 
mar while  Lincoln  recited  his  lessons.  At  Lin- 
coln's first  inaugural  banquet  Green  sat  at  the 
table  on  the  President's  left,  with  the  dignified 
Secretary  Seward  on  his  right.  Lincoln  pre- 
sented the  two  men  to  each  other,  saying : 
"Secretary  Seward,  this  is  Mr.  Green,  of  Illi- 
nois." Seward  bowed  stiffly,  when  Lincoln  ex- 
claimed :  "Oh,  get  up,  Seward,  and  shake 
hands  with  Green  ;  he's  the  man  that  taught 
me  my  grammar." 


34  Halt  anD  •feumor 

General  Singleton,  of  Quincy,  Illinois,  who 
was  one  of  the  bright  young  lawyers  of  Spring- 
field when  Abraham  Lincoln  was  a  green  youth 
there,  tells  a  story  which  we  believe  has  never 
been  printed  before.  The  bevy  of  bright  young 
ladies  to  which  Miss  Todd  belonged  before  her 
marriage  to  Mr.  Lincoln  used  to  have  a  good 
deal  of  sport  at  the  awkward  young  man's  ex- 
pense. One  evening  at  a  little  party  Mr.  Lin- 
coln approached  Miss  Todd,  and  said  in  his 
peculiar  idiom:  "Miss  Todd,  I  should  like  to 
dance  with  you  the  worst  way."  The  young 
lady  accepted  the  inevitable  and  hobbled  around 
the  room  with  him.  When  Miss  Todd  had  re- 
turned to  her  seat,  one  of  her  mischievous  com- 
panions said  :  "  Well,  Mary,  did  he  dance  with 
you  the  worst  way?"  "Yes,"  she  answered, 
"the  very  worst." 


The  following  story  is  so  characteristic  as  to 
be  worth  repeating  :  The  foundation  of  Lin- 
coln's political  success  was  his  popularity,  and 
his  popularity  was  due  to  his  always  keeping  near 
to  the  people,  as  he  expressed  it.  One  night  he 
had  a  dream.  He  thought  that  he  was  in  some 
great  assembly.  The  people  made  a  lane  to  let 
him  pass.      "  He  is  a  common  looking  fellow," 


ot  Bmertcan  Statesmen  35 

some  one  said.  Lincoln,  in  his  dream,  turned 
to  his  critic,  and  replied,  "Friend,  the  Lord 
prefers  common-looking  people,  or  He  would 
not  have  created  so  many  of  them  !  " 

****** 

Gail  Hamilton  tells  this  story  about  a  friend 
of  Mr.  Lincoln's,  who,  in  the  first  convention 
that  nominated  him  for  the  presidency,  had 
worked  and  spoken  with  great  effect.  After- 
wards in  thanking  him  for  his  enthusiasm,  Mr. 
Lincoln  said:  "But  I  am  afraid,  Colonel, 
that  when  you  spoke  for  me  you  prevaricated 
just  a  little."  "Prevaricated,  Mr.  Lincoln?" 
said  the  other,  "prevaricated?  Why,  I  lied 
like  the  devil" 

****** 

Lincoln  related  many  a  story,  but  never  one 
nearer  the  point,  or  more  applicable  than  the 
following:  It  was  in  the  summer  of  1861,  a 
short  time  after  the  Bull  Run  defeat,  that  com- 
plaint was  made  to  Governor  R concerning 

the    conduct   of    Colonel    of  the  — th 

Regiment,  Wisconsin  Volunteers.  The  Colonel 
was  a  prominent  man,  a  Democrat,  and  the 
Governor  was  disposed  in  military  affairs  I 
impartially;  but  how  to  have  the  Colonel  trans- 
ferred or  "let  down  easy"  so  that  no  disturb- 
ance, political  or  otherwise  should  arise  at  home 


36  'Unit  anS  Ibumor 

to  vex  him,  was  the  question.  Finally,  it  was 
resolved  that  the  matter  should  be  left  with 
President  Lincoln.  So  Judge  O was  re- 
quested by  the  Governor  to  go  to  Washington 
and   ''have   matters   fixed."     Accordingly   the 

Judge  and   Senator  D called  at  the  White 

House,  stated  the  case  to  Mr.  Lincoln,  and 
recommended  that  the  Colonel  be  put  upon 
some  General's  staff,  where  he  could  be  more 
useful  than  in  the  position  he  then  occupied, 
and  so  "let  him  down  easy."  Mr.  Lincoln  in- 
quired if  the  Colonel  knew  anything  of  the 
plan,  and  upon  being  answered  in  the  negative, 
said  :  "  That  reminds  me  of  a  little  story.  It 
was  in  the  Mexican  war,  at  the  battle  of  Monte- 
rey, I  believe,  that  a  little  Irish  Captain  from 
Sangamon  County  was  ordered  by  his  Colonel 
to  a  position  with  his  company.  After  hearing 
the  order  the  little  Captain  straightened  up  full 
height  and  said,  '  Colonel,  will  yez  be  so  kind 
as  to  tell  that  to  my  min  yoursel,  for  by  jabers, 
Colonel,  I'm  not  on  spakin'  terms  wid  my 
company. '  "  It  is  perhaps  needless  to  add  that 
the  gallant  Colonel  was  shortly  after  this  inter- 
view with  the  good-natured  President  placed  in 
a  more  exalted  sphere  of  usefulness. 

****** 
A  good  instance  of  the  execution  which  Lin- 


of  American  Statesmen  37 

coin  sometimes  effected  with  a  story  occurred  in 
the  Illinois  Legislature.  There  was  a  trouble- 
some member  from  Wabash  County,  who  gloried 
particularly  in  being  a  "  strict  constructionist." 
He  found  something  "unconstitutional"  in 
every  measure  that  was  brought  forward  for  dis- 
cussion. He  was  a  member  of  the  Judiciary 
Committee,  and  was  quite  apt,  after  giving  every 
measure  a  heavy  pounding,  to  advocate  its  refer- 
ence to  this  committee.  No  amount  of  >ober 
argument  could  floor  the  member  from  Wabash. 
At  last  he  came  to  be  considered  as  a  man  to  be 
silenced,  and  Lincoln  was  resorted  to  for  an  ex- 
pedient by  which  this  object  might  be  accom- 
plished. He  soon  afterwards  honored  the  draft 
thus  made  upon  him.  A  measure  was  brought 
forward  in  which  Mr.  Lincoln's  constituents 
were  interested,  when  the  member  from  Wabash 
arose  and  discharged  all  his  batteries  upon  its 
unconstitutional  points.  Lincoln  then  took  the 
floor  and  with  the  quizzical  expression  of  feature 
which  he  could  assume  at  will,  and  a  mirthful 
twinkle  in  his  gray  eyes,  said,  "  Mr.  S] 
the  attack  of  the  member  from  Wabash  on  the 
constitutionality  of  this  measure  reminds  me  of 
an  old  friend  of  mine.  He's  a  peculiar  looking 
old  fellow  with  shaggy  overhanging  eyebrows, 
and  a  pair  of  spectacles  under  them.      (Every- 


38  1iUit  ano  Ibumor 

body  turned  to  the  member  from  Wabash,  and 
recognized  a  personal  description).  One  morn- 
ing, just  after  the  old  man  got  up,  he  imagined 
on  looking  out  of  his  door,  that  he  saw  rather  a 
lively  squirrel  on  a  tree  near  his  house.  So  he 
took  down  his  rifle,  and  fired  at  the  squirrel ; 
but  the  squirrel  paid  no  attention  to  the  shot. 
He  loaded  and  fired  again,  until,  at  the  thir- 
teenth shot  he  set  down  his  gun  impatiently  and 
said  to  his  boy  who  was  looking  on,  '  Roy, 
there's  something  wrong  about  this  rifle.' 
1  Rifle's  all  right,  I  know  'tis,'  responded  the 
boy,  'but  where's  your  squirrel?'  'Don't  you 
see  him  humped  up  about  half  way  up  the 
tree  ? '  inquired  the  old  man  peering  over  his 
spectacles  and  getting  mystified.  '  No,  I  don't,' 
responded  the  boy,  and  then  turning  and  looking 
into  his  father's  face,  he  exclaimed,  '  I  see  your 
squirrel.  You've  been  firing  at  a  louse  on  your 
eyebrow.'  "  The  story  needed  neither  applica- 
tion nor  explanation.  The  House  was  in  con- 
vulsions of  laughter,  for  Mr.  Lincoln's  skill  in 
telling  a  story  was  not  inferior  to  his  appreciation 
of  its  points,  and  his  power  of  adapting  them  to 
the  case  in  hand.  It  killed  off  the  member 
from  Wabash,  who  was  very  careful  afterwards 
not  to  provoke  any  allusion  to  his  "  eyebrows." 


ot  Bmcrican  Statesmen  :j» 

For  this  anecdote  the  Hon.  John  J.  Van  Allen 
is  authority:  "Long  Tom  Davis  of  Oswego, 
N.  Y.,  was  a  lawyer  of  unusual  and  conceded 
ability,  an  ardent  Republican,  an  enthusiastic 
admirer  of  President  Lincoln  and  during  the 
latter  years  of  the  war,  a  valuable  member  of 
the  New  York  State  Legislature.  In  1864  he 
went  to  Washington  and  while  there  called  on 
the  President  with  the  intention  of  criticising  a 
certain  line  of  policy,  the  expediency  of  which 
was  then  questioned  by  many  patriotic  citizens. 
Besides  being  tall  enough  to  warrant  the  use  of 
the  prenominal  adjective  by  which  he  was  dis- 
tinguished from  all  shorter  Tom  Davises,  he 
was  a  man  of  sombre  temperament  and  singular 
gravity  of  manner.  Life  for  him  was  too  short 
and  serious  for  a  smile,  and  being  for  this  among 
other  reasons  quite  incapable  of  understanding 
the  character  of  Mr.  Lincoln,  he  returned  from 
the  capital  amazed  and  pained  by  the  conviction 
which  he  did  not  hesitate  to  express  that  our 
illustrious  President  was  little  better  than  a 
buffoon.  *  Why,  you  greatly  astonish  me,  Mr. 
Davis,'  said  a  gentleman  to  whom  he  communi- 
cated his  impressions  of  the  President.  '  I 
thought  you  were  one  of  his  warmest  support- 
ers.' '  Well,  I'll  tell  you,'  was  the  reply,  'just 
how  he  received  me  and  you  can  judge  for  your- 


40  TOt  ano  Ibumor 

self.  Having  been  introduced  to  him  in  terms 
most  flattering  as  a  staunch  Republican  and 
efficient  member  of  the  Legislature,  I  began  to 
make  the  suggestion  I  had  in  mind,  whereupon 
the  President,  eyeing  me  thoughtfully,  inquired  : 
1  <  Mr.  Davis,  how  tall  a  man  are  you  ?  "  I  re- 
plied that  I  was  six  feet  two  inches,  upon  which 
he  rejoined:  "Why,  are  you  as  tall  as  that? 
Come,  let  me  see,"  and  backing  me  against  a 
door  he  took  a  pencil,  marked  my  height  on  the 
jamb,  and  afterwards  his  own,  the  two  marks 
being  close  together.  "  We're  pretty  nearly  of 
a  size,"  said  he.  "But,  Davis,  I  think  my  foot 
is  longer  than  yours."  So  he  insisted  on  meas- 
uring feet,  after  which  he  began  to  discuss  our 
weights  and  the  size  of  our  chests  and  arms.  In 
this  way,  with  these  trivial  comparisons  and  con- 
jectures, he  took  up  all  my  time,  fully  fifteen 
minutes,  until  a  man  came  in  who  applied  for  a 
clerical  position  in  one  of  the  departments  on 
the  strength  of  having  lost  a  hand  in  the  service 
of  his  country.  "Oh,  you  go  and  see  Seward," 
said  the  President,  "I  don't  know  anything 
about  your  hand ;  you  may  have  lost  it  in  a 
steel  trap."  Now,'  concluded  Mr.  Davis,  ear- 
nestly, '  do  you  think  he  had  the  requisite 
dignity  for  so  high  an  office  ?  ' 

"The  interview  of   which  the  foregoing  is  a 


ot  Bmertcan  Statesmen  41 

mere  outline  seemed  deliciously  amusing  from 
the  fact  that  Mr.  Davis,  patriot  and  statesman 
that  he  was,  had  not  the  remotest  appreciation 
of  the  humor  of  the  incident.  The  President, 
burdened  and  worn,  bowed  by  his  load  of  re- 
sponsibility, and  wearied  by  a  long  day's  work, 
was  in  no  mood  to  go  over  with  his  visitor 
ground  frequently  traversed  before,  perhaps  in 
protracted  Cabinet  debates.  Perceiving  that 
Mr.  Davis  was  a  man  of  nearly  his  own  build, 
he  found  in  this  topic  an  escape  from  a  discus- 
sion he  dreaded.  It  was  this  ability  to  mo- 
mentarily lay  aside  his  dignity  in  a  laugh  or  a 
boyish  prank  which  enabled  Mr.  Lincoln  to 
stand  up  under  his  weight  of  care,  and  it  was 
this  which  rendered  him  such  an  enigma  to  the 
saturine  Davis." 


In  1863,  after  the  fall  of  Vicksburg,  a  man 
came  to  Lincoln  seeking  an  office.  He  had 
known  Lincoln  very  well  in  the  early  fifties,  but 
had  drifted  South.  He  claimed  to  have  been 
always  a  Whig  and  a  Union  man,  although 
compelled  to  hide  his  sentiments  until  Vicksburg 
fell.  He  wanted  an  office  and  a  good  one,  and 
he  was  very  importunate. 

At    last  Mr.  Lincoln  said  to  him:      "John, 


42  "Wait  ano  Ibumor 

when  I  was  a  young  man  about  the  time  I  first 
went  to  Springfield  to  live,  I  was  invited  to  a 
dance,  and  I  was  very  proud  of  the  invitation. 
I  remember  that  I  bought  a  new  hat  and  a  very 
good  one,  for  it  cost  me  more  than  any  other 
hat  I  had  ever  bought,  and  I  was  very  proud  to 
wear  it  to  the  dance.  Well,  I  enjoyed  myself  so 
much  at  this  hop  that  I  stayed  very  late,  about 
the  last  one  to  leave,  as  I  remember,  and  as  I 
was  ready  to  go  I  said  to  the  colored  man  who 
had  charge  of  the  coats  and  hats :  *  Now, 
John,  I  wish  you  would  bring  me  my  hat. '  He 
brought  me  a  hat  that  had  been  worn  for  a  long 
time,  and  was  very  rusty  and  shabby,  and  I  said 
to  him,  '  This  isn't  my  hat;  I  wore  a  new  one,' 
and  then  he  replied  :  '  Mr.  Lincoln,  the  new 
ones  were  all  gone  two  hours  ago. ' ' ' 


Some  time  before  the  issuance  of  the  Emanci- 
pation Proclamation,  and  while  our  military 
operations  were  unusually  unsuccessful,  a  self- 
appointed  delegation  of  preachers  from  New 
England  numbering  twenty-three  called  upon 
President  Lincoln  to  induce  him  to  issue  the 
proclamation  instanter.  Their  speaker  was 
cocked  and  primed  and  full  of  anticipation  of 
success.      He    announced    that    they   were   the 


ot  Bmerican  Statesmen  43 

delegates  of  the  Almighty,  and  with  many 
flourishes  about  Moses  and  the  prophets,  de- 
manded in  the  name  of  the  Lord  that  the  Presi- 
dent issue  the  proclamation  declaring  the  slaves 
free. 

He  went  on  to  assert  that  when  that  was  done 
the  civilized  and  Christian  world  would  rise  up 
and  assist  us  with  such  tremendous  force  that 
our  success  would  be  assured  and  much  more 
of  the  same  sort.  When  he  had  finished  Mr. 
Lincoln  quietly  said  to  the  speaker  : 

"Your  Reverence,  how  many  legs  has  a 
sheep  ? ' ' 

The  speaker  raised  his  hands  and  the  whole 
body  of  the  delegation  showed  signs  of  disgust, 
as  much  as  to  say :  "  We  always  heard  he  was  a 
buffoon."  But  the  speaker  answered  :  "  Why, 
four,  Mr.  President." 

"Now,"  said  Mr.  Lincoln,  "if  you  call  a 
sheep's  tail  a  leg  how  many  legs  would  he 
have  ? ' ' 

The  answer,  of  course,  was  five. 

"  You  all  agree  to  this?  "  said  Mr.  Lincoln. 

They  nodded  assent. 

"No,"  said  the  President,  "you  are  wrong. 
A  sheep  has  only  four  legs,  and  calling  his  tail  a 
leg  does  not  make  it  a  leg." 

The    application    was   apparent;    issuing   a 


44  TIMtt  ano  tmmot 

proclamation  of  freedom  without  the  ability  to 
enforce  it  would  be  ridiculous. 


It  is  the  humorous  element  in  Lincoln's 
speeches  and  writings  which  makes  them  almost 
sui  generis,  says  Mr.  Stanton.  What  he  said 
or  wrote  to  his  generals  was  often  amusingly 
pat.  When  a  seemingly  unsurmountable  ob- 
stacle checked  the  advance  of  one  of  the  armies, 
his  favorite  illustration  was:  "Well,  if  you 
can't  plow  through  the  log,  perhaps  you  can 
plow  round  it." 

It  was  characteristic  of  General  McClellan 
that  he  always  regarded  bad  weather  as  exceed- 
ingly injurious  to  him,  but  as  never  injurious  to 
the  other  side ;  so  Lincoln  once  said  of  him : 
"  He  seems  to  think,  in  defiance  of  Scripture, 
that  heaven  sends  its  rain  only  on  the  just  and 
not  on  the  unjust." 

Exasperated  at  the  discrepancy  between  the 
aggregate  of  troops  forwarded  to  the  same  Gen- 
eral, and  the  number  the  General  reported  as 
being  received,  Lincoln  exclaimed:  "Sending 
men  to  that  army  is  like  shoveling  fleas  across  a 
barnyard — not  half  of  them  get  there." 

When  one  of  the  Northern  commanders  took 
the   control    of  a   Missouri    church  out   of  the 


ot  Bmertcan  Statesmen  us 

hands  of  its  rebel  trustees,  Lincoln  disapproved 
of  the  measure  in  a  despatch  containing  this 
terse  and  vigorous  phrase,  which  immediately 
obtained  wide  currency :  "The  United  States 
Government  must  not,  as  by  this  order,  under- 
take to  run  the  churches." 


Not  less  happy  were  many  of  Lincoln's  mes- 
sages to  politicians.  To  one  of  his  mild-natured 
critics  he  wrote:  "Would  you  drop  the  war 
where  it  is,  or  would  you  prosecute  it  in  the 
future  with  elder-stalk  squirts  charged  with  rose- 
water?" 

When,  on  his  first  arrival  in  Washington,  the 
new  President  was  besieged  by  office-seeker>, 
while  the  war  was  breaking  out,  Lincoln  said  : 
"  I  feel  like  a  man  letting  lodgings  at  one  end  of 
the  house,  while  the  other  end  is  on  fire." 

****** 

In  the  winter  of  1863  there  was  much  anxiety 
at  Washington,  lest  Burnside  should  be  raptured 
at  Knoxville.  One  day  a  report  came  to  the 
White  House  that  there  was  heavy  firing  in  the 
direction  of  the  latter  city.  Lincoln,  who  had 
been  waiting  during  long  hours  for  some  news, 
now  expressed  his  satisfaction,  and  when 
why  he  found  any  comfort   in  his  me 


46  TUflit  ano  Ibumor 

sage,  answered  :  "A  neighbor  of  mine  in  Men- 
ard County,  named  Sally  Ward,  had  a  large 
family  of  children,  which  she  took  very  little  care 
of.  Whenever  she  heard  one  of  them  yelling  in 
some  out-of-the-way  place,  she  would  say, 
1  Thank  the  Lord  !  there's  one  of  my  young 
ones  not  dead  yet. '  "  So  long  as  there  was  firing 
in  the  direction  of  Knoxville,  Burnside  was  not 
captured. 

****** 

Dr.  Bellows,  President  of  the  Sanitary  Com- 
mission, went  to  Washington  to  get  Mr.  Lincoln 
to  make  a  certain  appointment.  He  presented 
the  case  to  the  President,  who  listened  intently, 
but  said  nothing.  After  twenty  minutes  of  elo- 
quence Mr.  Lincoln  replied : 

"  I  made  that  appointment  several  days  ago." 

"Why  didn't  you  tell  me,  Mr.  Lincoln,  and 
save  yourself  the  trouble  of  hearing  all  this?  " 

"  O,  Bellows,  I  do  like  to  hear  you  talk,"  said 
Honest  Old  Abe,  with  a  twinkle. 

****** 

Mr.  Lincoln  loved  Edwin  M.  Stanton,  and 
believed  in  him  from  first  to  last.  When  in- 
quired of  concerning  the  reasons  for  his  appoint- 
ment, Mr.  Lincoln  said  he  rather  wished  at  first 
to  appoint  a  man  from  one  of  the  border  States, 
but   he  knew  the  New  England  people  would 


of  Bmertcan  Statesmen  47 

object;  and  then,  again,  it  would  have  given 
him  great  satisfaction  to  appoint  a  man  from 
New  England,  but  that  would  displease  the 
border  States.  On  the  whole,  he  thought  he 
had  better  take  a  man  from  some  intervening 
territory.  "And,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  gentle- 
men," said  he,  "I  don't  believe  Stanton  knows 
where  he  belongs  himself." 

****** 

When  some  gentlemen  were  discussing  Mr. 
Stanton's  impulsiveness,  Mr.  Lincoln  said, 
"Well,  we  may  have  to  treat  him  as  they  are 
sometimes  obliged  to  treat  a  Methodist  minister 
I  know  of  out  West.  He  gets  wrought  up  to  so 
high  a  pitch  of  excitement  in  his  prayers  and 
exhortations,  that  they  are  obliged  to  put  brie  ks 
into  his  pockets  to  keep  him  down.  We  may  be 
obliged  to  serve  Stanton  the  same  way,  but  I 
guess  we'll  let  him  jump  awhile  first." 

****** 

"I  was  once  called  to  Washington,"  sayi 
Senator  Palmer,  "to  see  Mr.  Lincoln  on  a  mat- 
ter of  business.  It  was  in  1865.  I  was  shown 
into  an  anteroom,  and  waited  for  some  time.  I 
saw  Senators  and  others  going  in,  and  finally  I 
was  called.  Mr.  Lincoln  was  being  shaved. 
He  said  I  was  home  folks,  and  he  could  shave 
before  me.     I  said  to  him  : 


48  mit  anD  Ibumor 

'  •  •  Mr.  Lincoln,  if  I  had  supposed  at  the  Chi- 
cago Convention  that  nominated  you  that  we 
would  have  this  terrible  war  I  would  never  have 
thought  of  going  down  to  a  one-horse  town  and 
getting  a  one-horse  lawyer  for  President.' 

"  I  did  not  know  how  he  would  take  it,  but 
rather  expected  an  answer  that  I  could  laugh  at. 
But  he  brushed  the  barber  to  one  side,  and  with 
a  solemn  face  turned  to  me  and  said : 

"  'Neither  would  I,  Palmer.  I  don't  believe 
any  great  man  with  a  policy  could  have  saved 
the  country.  If  I  have  contributed  to  the  sav- 
ing of  the  country,  it  was  because  I  attended  to 
the  duties  of  each  day  with  the  hope  that  when 
to-morrow  came  I  would  be  equal  to  the  duties 
of  that  day,'  and  he  turned  to  the  barber." 


A  lady  once  called  to  see  Mr.  Lincoln  on 
business  of  importance.  No  one  was  waiting, 
and,  at  the  invitation  of  the  messenger,  she 
passed  directly  into  the  President's  room.  She 
found  a  gentleman  engaged  in  conversation  with 
the  President,  but  neither  noticed  her  entrance. 
Taking  a  seat  at  a  distance  from  the  two  gentle- 
men, she  waited  her  opportunity.  The  visitor 
handed  a  paper  to  Mr.  Lincoln.  He  looked  it 
over  carelessly,  and  said, — 


of  Bmerfcan  Statesmen  49 

"Yes,    that  is  a   sufficient   indorsement    for 

anybody.     What  do  you  want?" 

The  reply  was  not  heard,  but  the  promotion 
of  some  person  in  the  army  was  strongly  urged. 
She  heard  the  sarcastic  words  from  the  appli- 
cant : — 

"I  see  there  are  no  vacancies  among  the 
adiers,  from  the  fact  that  so  many  colonels  are 
commanding  brigades. ' ' 

At  this  the  President  threw  himself  lor  ward  in 
his  chair,  and  looking  the  man  squarely  in  the 
face,  said,  "  My  friend,  you  are  a  farmer,  I  be- 
lieve. Suppose  you  had  a  large  cattle-yard  full 
of  all  sorts  of  cattle, — cows,  oxen,  and  bulls, — 
and  you  kept  killing  and  selling,  and  disposing 
of  your  cows  and  oxen  in  one  way  and  another, 
taking  good  care  of  your  bulls.  By  and  by  you 
would  find  out  that  you  had  nothing  but  a  yard 
full  of  old  bulls,  good  for  nothing  under  heaven. 
Now  it  will  be  just  so  with  the  army  if  I  don't 
stop  making  brigadier -generals." 

****** 

Mr.  John  H.  Littlefield,  who  studied  law 
under  Mr.  Lincoln,  is  responsible  for  the  follow- 
ing:— 

Several  men  were  urging  Mr.  Lincoln  i 
move  Secretary  of  the  Treasury  Chase.     They 
said  he  was  in  the  way  of  the  administration,  and 


so  TOt  ane  tmmot 

hampered  the  President.  A  smile  played  around 
the  corners  of  the  President's  mouth,  as  he 
said, — 

"That  reminds  me  of  a  farmer  out  West.  He 
was  ploughing  with  his  old  mare  Nance  one  hot 
summer  day,  and  his  son  was  following  another 
plow  in  an  adjoining  furrow.  A  horse-fly  got  on 
Nance's  nose,  and  the  son  kept  yelling  to  his 
father  to  stop  and  get  the  fly  off  the  mare's 
nose.  The  father  paid  no  attention  to  his  vo- 
ciferous son  for  awhile ;  but  the  son  kept  yelling 
about  the  fly  on  Nance's  nose  until  the  old  man 
answered, 

"  '  Now,  look-a-here,  jist  keep  quiet ;  that  ere 
fly  on  Nance's  nose  makes  her  go  faster.'  " 


Mr.  Stanton,  his  war  secretary,  never  quite 
knew  how  to  take  Lincoln.  Stanton  was  for  ex- 
terminating such  elements  as  dared  to  question 
the  President's  policy.  It  is  related  that  once 
some  one  had  refused  to  understand  an  order, 
or  at  all  events  had  not  obeyed. 

"  I  believe  I'll  sit  down,"  said  Stanton,  "  and 
give  that  man  a  piece  of  my  mind.'' 

"Do  so,"  said  Lincoln:  "write  him  now 
while  you  have  it  on  your  mind.  Make  it 
sharp.      Cut  him  all  up." 


of  American  Statesmen  51 

Stanton  did  not  need  a  second  invitation.  It 
was  a  bone-crusher  that  he  read  to  the  Presi- 
dent. 

"That's  right,"  said  Abe;  "that's  a  good 
one." 

"  Who  can  I  send  it  by  ?  "  mused  the  Secre- 
tary. 

"Send  it?"  replied  Lincoln;  "send  it! 
Why,  don't  send  it  at  all.  Tear  it  up.  You 
have  freed  your  mind  on  the  subject,  and  that 
is  all  that  is  necessary.  Tear  it  up.  You  never 
want  to  send  such  letters ;   I  never  do." 


Shortly  after  the  battle  of  Gettysburg,  Presi- 
dent Lincoln  was  being  shown  over  the  battle- 
field. 

"  Here,"  said  the  General  who  was  escorting 
him,  "here  on  the  brow  of  the  hill  stood  our 
brave  men,  who  three  different  times  repelled 
the  assaults  of  the  rebels.  I  shall  always  be 
proud  to  know,  Mr.  President,  that  the  men  who 
held  these  heights  were  American  citizens." 

"And  I,"  replied  President  Lincoln,  "shall 
always  be  proud  to  know  that  the  brave  men 
who  charged  up  these  heights,  and  though  re- 
pulsed, charged  again  and  again,  were  likewise 
American  citizens." 


CHAPTER  III 

Office-seeking  as  a  Fint  Art 

It  is  recorded  that  a  man  appointed  Sixth 
Auditor  of  the  Treasury,  subject  to  examination, 
was  asked  to  state  the  distance  of  the  moon  from 
the  earth.  His  written  answer  was  simply : 
"Not  near  enough  to  affect  the  functions  of  a 
Sixth  Auditor."  He  passed.  So  did  another, 
who  being  examined  for  employment  in  the 
Treasury,  was  asked  how  many  soldiers  England 
sent  to  this  country  during  the  Revolution. 
His  answer  was:  "A  great  sight  more  than 
ever  got  back." 


"On  a  trip  to  Washington,"  said  Col.  W.  F. 
Cody,  "  I  had  for  a  companion  Sousa,  the  band 
leader.  We  had  berths  opposite  each  other. 
Early  one  morning  as  we  approached  the  capital 
I  thought  I  would  have  a  little  fun.  I  got  a 
morning  paper,  and,  after  rustling  it  a  few 
minutes,  I  said  to  Sousa : 
52 


cf  American  Statesmen  ~>3 

"-That's  the  greatest  order   Cleveland 
just  issued  !  ' 

"<  What's  that?1  came  from  the  opposite 
berth. 

"'Why,  he's  ordered  all  the  office-seekers 
rounded  up  at  the  depot  and  sent  home.' 

"  You  should  have  seen  the  general  conster- 
nation that  ensued.  From  almost  every  berth 
on  the  car  a  head  came  out  from  between  the 
curtains,  and  with  one  accord  nearly  every  man 
shouted  : 

"  'What's  that?'" 


It  happened  to  be  the  semi-monthly  pay  day 
in  the  Post-office  Department,  and,  as  usual,  the 
long  line  of  clerks  and  other  employees  stretched 
down  the  corridor  from  the  office  of  the  dis- 
bursing clerk. 

An  eager  office-seeker  who  rushed  up  from  the 
railway  station,  bag  in  hand,  in  his  haste  to  see 
Postmaster-General  Bissell,  seeing  the  long  line 
of  people  standing  in  the  corridor,  fell  in  at  the 
end  of  it. 

An  impatient  exclamation  from  him  drew  the 
attention  of  the  clerk  standing  just  in  front  of 
him,  who,  seeing  that  he  was  a  stranger  asked  : 

"  Do  you  want  to  see  the  disbursing  clerk  ?  " 


54  *TOt  ano  Ibumor 

"No,"  said  the  office-seeker,  "  I  want  to  see 
the  postmaster-general." 

"Well,"  said  the  clerk,  "  we  are  all  waiting 
to  get  our  money  from  the  disbursing  clerk. 
We  are  clerks  in  the  department." 

"Heavens,"   said  the  stranger,   "I  thought 
you  were  all  office-seekers,"  and  he  promptly 
made  a  break  for  the  postmaster's  room. 
****** 

When  Senator  Corwin  was  appointed  Secre- 
tary of  the  Treasury  by  President  Fillmore,  Clay 
called  upon  him  with  the  request  that  he  should 
give  the  position  of  treasurer  of  the  department 
to  his  old  firm  and  true  political  friend,  John 
Sloane,  who  for  many  years  ably  represented  a 
leading  district  of  Ohio  in  the  Lower  House  of 
Congress.  The  secretary  declined  making  the 
appointment,  which  the  great  Senator  with  all 
his  persuasive  powers  and  eloquence  urged  upon 
him.  The  appointment  still  being  refused  the 
great  Kentuckian  said,  "  Tom,  I  never  should 
have  thought  you  could  treat  your  old  friend  in 
this  style."  Grasping  his  old  political  leader 
by  the  hand,  the  Secretary  remarked,  "My 
friend,  the  reason  why  I  said  that  I  could  not 
make  this  appointment  was  that  I  had  already 
made  it." 


ot  Smerican  Statesmen  56 

Office-seekers  should  go  to  Gainesville,  Flor- 
ida. Here's  a  paragraph  from  the  paper  pub- 
lished in  that  place  which  says  :  "  When  the 
Hon.  L.  C.  Dennis  left  us  for  his  Northern  trip, 
to  be  absent  several  months,  we  lost  in  him  our 
senator,  county  commissioner,  board  of  instruc- 
tion, deputy  marshal,  deputy  sheriff,  deputy 
county  clerk,  treasurer  of  school  funds,  cus- 
todian of  county  treasurer's  books,  senior  coun- 
cilman and  acting  mayor.  Nearly  all  public 
business  was  suspended  until  his  return  on  the 
21st  October." 

Pat  wanted  a  position  under  the  government, 
and  on  being  told  that  he  must  be  prepared  to 
pass  a  civil  service  examination,  applied  himself 
faithfully  to  the  necessary  preparation.  Some 
time  later  his  ambition  for  preferment  seemed  to 
have  deserted  him. 

"What  is  the  matter,  Pat?"  asked  his  for- 
mer employer.  "Couldn't  you  pass  the  ex- 
amination? " 

"I  could  that,"  he  replied.  "I  answered 
every  question  on  the  paper.  But,"  he  added, 
his  native  wit  coming  to  his  rescue,  "I  guess 
they  thought  I  knew  too  much  to  be  wastin'  me 
time  washin'  windies." 


56  Wit  ano  "tbumor 

The  Rev.  Dr.  Biddell  tells  a  lively  story  about 
a  Presbyterian  minister  who  had  a  young  son,  a 
lad  about  ten  years  of  age.  He  was  endeavor- 
ing to  bring  him  up  in  the  way  he  should  go, 
and  was  one  day  asked  by  a  friend  what  he  in- 
tended to  make  of  him.     In  reply  he  said  : 

''I  am  watching  the  indications.  I  have  a 
plan  which  I  propose  trying  with  the  boy.  It  is 
this :  I  am  going  to  place  in  my  parlor  a  Bible, 
an  apple  and  a  silver  dollar.  Then  I  am  going 
to  leave  the  room  and  call  in  the  boy.  I  am 
going  to  watch  him  from  some  convenient  place 
without  letting  him  know  that  he  is  seen. 
Then,  if  he  chooses  the  Bible,  I  shall  make  a 
preacher  of  him ;  if  he  takes  the  apple,  a  farmer 
he  shall  be  ;  but  if  he  chooses  the  dollar,  I  will 
make  him  a  business  man." 

The  plan  was  carried  out.  The  arrangements 
were  made  and  the  boy  called  in  from  his  play. 
After  a  little  while  the  preacher  and  his  wife  softly 
entered  the  room.  There  was  the  youngster. 
He  was  seated  on  the  Bible,  in  one  hand  was 
the  apple,  from  which  he  was  just  taking  a  bite, 
and  in  the  other  he  clasped  the  silver  dollar. 
The  good  man  turned  to  his  consort.  "  Wife," 
he  said,  "the  boy  is  a  hog.  I  shall  make  a 
politician  of  him." 


ct  american  Statesmen  -.7 

Soon  after  the  first  inauguration  of  Governor 
Seward,  as  Chief  Magistrate  of  New  York, 
Virus  W.  Smith,  then  and  for  many  years  after- 
wards a  potential  man  in  the  Whig  party  of 
Onondaga  County,  wrote  to  Mr.  Thurlow  Weed, 
requesting  him  to  call  upon  the  Governor  and 
ask  him  to  appoint  a  certain  man  as  India:. 
Agent  for  the  Onondaga  tribe  of  Indians.  The 
person  recommended  was  well  known  to  Mr. 
Weed  as  one  of  those  meddlesome  fellow-, 
whose  only  power  is  a  power  for  mischief.  He 
was  therefore  surprised  at  Mr.  Smith's  urging 
him  for  the  position.  Next  day  Mr.  • 
mentioned  the  matter  to  the  Governor  (who  was 
equally  cognizant  of  the  man's  character)  and 
remarked  that  he  had  answered  the  letter,  and 
that  action  for  the  present  would  be  delayed. 
It  was  thought  that  this  would  bring  Mr.  Smith 
to  Albany  to  look  after  the  matter,  as  it  did. 
On  arriving  he  promptly  called  upon  Mr.  Weed, 
who  expostulated  with  him  as  to  the  character 
of  his  candidate.  ••  Nevertheless,"  sai<: 
''if  you  make  it  a  point  that  he  must  have  the 
place,  why  have  it  he  must." 

"Well,  Mr.  Weed,  1    am   very  anxious  alwut 
it." 

"  But  you  know  what  a  bad  fellow  he  is." 

"Can't  help  it,  he's  my  man." 


58  Tftlit  anfc  Ibumot 

"But  can't  you  give  some  reason  for  your 
urgency?  " 

"  No,"  replied  Mr.  Smith,  "Ido  not  care  to 
do  that." 

"  But  the  Governor  thinks  badly  of  this  fellow, 
and  certainly  some  explanation  is  due  to  him." 

"Well,  it's  something  I  don't  wish  to  talk 
about." 

"Why?" 

1 '  Do  you  really  want  to  know  ?  ' ' 

"Certainly." 

"Then  if  you  insist  upon  it,  I'll  tell  you. 
You  know  there  are  among  the  Onondagas  two 
parties,  the  Christians  and  the  pagans  ?  ' ' 

"lam  aware  of  it." 

"Well,  my  man  is  a  leetle  in  favor  of  the 
Christians.  The  pagans  have  found  that  out, 
and  what  is  more  they  have  agreed  among  them- 
selves that  the  moment  he  comes  among  them 
they'll  kill  him." 


When  L.  Q.  C.  Lamar  was  made  Secretary 
of  the  Interior,  nearly  every  young  man  who 
had  known  him  in  Mississippi  went  to  Washing- 
ton to  get  a  job.  Among  the  number  was  John 
Youngblood,  editor  of  the  Oxford  Globe,  who 
called  at  Mr.  Lamar's  office  on  the  eighth  day 


of  Bmerican  Statesmen  59 

of  March,  1885.  The  Secretary  was  of  course 
glad  to  see  him.  Youngblood  had  once  been 
Mr.  Lamar's  private  secretary.  He  expected 
something  big,  but  a  clerkship  only  was  tendered 
him,  and  this  he  declined. 

Time  wore  on  and  Youngblood,  in  common 
parlance  went  broke.  Could  his  old  friend  Mr. 
Lamar  let  him  have  $50?  Mr.  Lamar  could 
and  did.  Two  weeks  more ;  could  his  old 
friend  Colonel  Lamar  let  him  have  a  hundred 
while  he  was  waiting  to  be  placed  ?  Again  Mr. 
Lamar  could  and  did.  A  month  rolled  by. 
Youngblood' s  board  bill  was  due.  He  had  to 
live  while  waiting,  and  he  knew  no  one  else  in 
Washington  except  his  old  friend  from  Oxford. 
His  board  bill  was  settled.  The  next  day  he 
called  again  and  wanted  to  be  accommodated. 
He  was. 

After  Youngblood  went  out  Mr.  Lamar  turned 
to  Colonel  Muldrow,  his  assistant,  and  said  : 
"  See  here,  Henry:  Youngblood  has  got  to  get 
away  from  Washington.  Find  some  place  for 
him.      Both  of  us  can't  live  on  $8,000  a  year." 

The  next  morning  Youngblood  was  made 
Superintendent  of  the  Arizona  schools. 


The   colored    friend    and    brother   frequently 


60  XUtt  ano  IDuntor 

rises  to  the  great  occasion.  Recently  one  of 
these  applied  to  a  gentleman  for  a  certificate  of 
character  by  which  he  might  be  able  to  get  a 
position  in  the  government  service.  The  testi- 
monial was  so  unexpectedly  complimentary,  and 
set  forth  Sambo's  qualifications  in  such  glowing 
terms,  that  turning  to  the  gentleman  he  said, 
"Look  heah,  Mr.  Wilson,  can't  you  gib  me 
somethin'  to  do  yourself  on  dat  recommenda- 
tion?" 


The  story  is  told  that  not  long  since  a  certain 
man  desired  to  obtain  the  position  of  janitor 
of  the  police  court  for  the  district  which  com- 
prises Salem,  Peabody,  and  Beverly,  Mass. 
He  started  out  with  a  petition  for  his  appoint- 
ment and  solicited  the  signature  of  the  lawyers 
of  his  district.  At  last  he  found  one  who  re- 
monstrated against  the  circulation  of  a  petition 
upon  what  seemed  to  him  a  trivial  matter,  but 
was  silenced  by  the  declaration  that  "Salem 
has  the  judge,  Peabody  has  the  clerk,  and  it  is 
no  more  than  fair  that  Beverly  should  have  the 
janitor." 


A  day  or  two  before  the  assembling  of  a  cer- 
tain Republican  National  Convention  at  Cincin- 


ot  American  Statesmen  61 

nati,  Senator  Jones  of  Nevada  gave  a  little 
dinner  to  several  of  his  brother  Senators  and  a 
few  members  of  the  House  who  happened  to  be 
at  Cincinnati  on  Convention  business.  Senator 
Jones  was  desirous  of  ascertaining  "how  the 
land  lay,"  but  his  guests  were  very  wary  in  re- 
plying to  his  queries.  Finally,  he  addressed 
the  Senator  from  Illinois:  "Well,  General 
Logan,  who  is  your  candidate?  " 

"  Sir,"  replied  the  swarthy  Senator,  "  I  am 
for  the  best  and  bravest  man ' ' 

Before  he  could  finish  the  sentence  up  spicing 
Senator  Anthony  of  Rhode  Island,  who,  with  a 
twinkle  of  the  eye  turned  to  General  Logan  and 
said,  "Really,  General,  I  positively  decline; 
under  no  circumstances  could  I  accept  the  nom- 
ination." 

General  Logan  did  not  finish  the  sentence. 


When  Mr.  Putnam  was  the  head  of  the  Pub- 
lic Library  in  Boston  a  ward  leader  of  that  city 
called  on  him  to  recommend  a  henchman  for  a 
place  in  the  library. 

There  was  no  reason  why  the  librarian  should 
not  have  refused  at  once  and  peremptorily  to 
appoint  him,  but  he  chose  to  follow  another 
course. 


62  TOlit  anfc  Dumor 

After  a  few  minutes'  talk  with  the  politician, 
Mr.  Putnam  asked  him  whether  he  had  ever  been 
through  all  the  departments  of  the  institution. 

"  I  never  have,  but  I'd  like  to  see  it,"  replied 
the  politician. 

"  It  will  give  me  much  pleasure  to  go  with 
you,"  said  Mr.  Putnam. 

Mr.  Putnam  took  him  behind  the  counters 
and  through  the  building  from  top  to  bottom, 
explaining  the  character  and  the  magnitude  of 
the  work  in  detail.  He  further  pointed  out, 
without  seeming  to  do  so,  the  varied  duties  of 
the  employees  and  the  attainments  they  must 
possess  to  do  the  work.  When  the  tour  was 
ended,  Mr.  Putnam  said  : 

"I'm  pleased  to  have  had  a  chance  to  show 
the  library  to  you,  and  if  your  friend  will  fill  out 
an  application  blank  and  send  it  in,  and  if  he 
passes  the  necessary  examination,  I  think  there 
will  be  no  difficulty  in  placing  his  name  on  the 
waiting  list." 

The  politician,  however,  had  seen  enough  of 
library  work  to  convince  him  that  his  constituent 
could  find  no  place  on  the  staff,  and  the  blank 
was  never  filled  out.  But  to  the  day  he  left 
Boston,  Mr.  Putnam  had  no  warmer  admirer  in 
that  city  than  this  same  ward  leader. 


ot  Smetican  Statesmen  t« 

People  sometimes  obtain  work  from  Uncle 
Sam  in  peculiar  ways.  Not  so  very  long  ago  a 
"poetess  of  passion"  in  a  far  Western  State 
became  an  office  seeker,  adopting  a  novel 
method  of  pursuing  her  object.  She  appealed 
to  a  United  States  Senator,  bombarding  him 
with  poetry  by  mail.  Once  a  week  regularly  he 
received  from  her  a  long  letter  in  the  shape  of  a 
poem.  Sometimes  he  got  two  a  week.  The 
poetry  was  probably  the  worst  that  any  poetess 
of  passion  has  ever  produced.  At  first  he  paid 
no  attention  to  it,  but  at  length  it  began  to  prey 
upon  his  mind.  He  found  that  it  was  keep- 
ing him  awake  nights,  and  when  this  sort  of 
thing  had  gone  on  for  five  or  six  months,  he  be- 
came desperate.  So  finally,  he  wrote  to  her 
saying  :  "Your  poems  have  proved  to  me  that 
you  are  unfit  for  any  public  office.  Neverthe- 
less, if  you  will  cease  writing  and  sending  them 
to  me,  I  will  get  you  a  job."     And  he  did. 


It  is  not  likely  that  the  next  Administration 
will  let  any  particularly  fat  office  in  the  depart- 
ments fall  to  the  lot  of  a  colored  politician. 
Nevertheless  there  is  a  long  list  of  sable  citizens 
who  fancy  they  enjoy  a  stout  "  pull  "  and  who 
are  or  will  be  applicants  for  positions  of  author- 


64  limit  ano  Ibumor 

ity.  The  story  of  an  application  made  to 
Senator  Blackburn  by  an  old  negro  from  Ken- 
tucky portrays  the  eagerness  to  secure  something 
from  the  Government,  whatever  form  the  prize 
may  take.  The  Senator  was  one  day  informed 
that  "  Old  Mose  "  had  arrived  from  Woodford 
County,  Kentucky,  and  was  waiting  to  consult 
with  him  privately  on  "  er  'portant  mattah." 

• '  Well,  Moses, ' '  began  Senator  Blackburn,  as 
the  grinning  African  was  ushered  into  his 
presence,  "  what  brings  you  to  Washington?  " 

"  Mars'  Joe,"  replied  Mose  impressively,  "  I'se 
got  'portant  bus'ness,  sah.     I  wants  er  orfice." 

' «  You  want  an  office  !  Why,  Mose,  what  can 
you  do  ?  " 

"Do,  Mars'  Joe?  What  does  everybody  do 
dat's  got  er  orfice?  Bless  yer  heart,  Mars' 
Joe,  yer  don't  un'erstand  ole  Mose.  I  hain't 
lookin'  fo'  work,  sah;  I  only  wants  er  orfice." 

Senator  Blackburn  with  as  much  seriousness 
as  he  could  command  assured  Mose  that  he  was 
powerless  to  assist  him  to  an  "orfice,"  but  that 
he  might  provide  employment  in  some  private 
concern.  Old  Mose's  face  fell,  but  soon  bright- 
ened again. 

"  Well,  Mars'  Joe,"  said  he  hopefully,  "  ef  ye 
kain't  git  er  orfice  fo'  me,  sah,  jes'  hustle  eroun' 
an'  git  me  er  pension.     I  ain't  at  all  'tickler,  sah." 


CHAPTER  IV 

Hayseed  Politics 

The  "man  up  a  tree,"  has  been  located  at 
last.  He  has  been  generally  presumed  to  be  a 
hypothetical  personage,  but  he  is  not.  His 
name  is  Hulitt  Hazewell,  and  he  lives  in  Wind* 
ham  County,  Connecticut,  where  he  was  born  a 
good  many  years  ago.  His  house  is  hard  to  get 
at,  but  is  not  unpleasant.  It  is  built  in  the 
forks  of  an  immense  old  chestnut-tree,  and  is 
twenty  feet  above  the  earth.  It  has  a  shingled 
roof  and  clapboarded  sides  and  contains  three 
small  rooms.  A  ladder  leads  up  to  the  front 
door,  and  another  ladder  leads  down  inside  the 
tree,  which  is  hollow,  to  a  cellar  beneath  the 
roots. 

Hazewell  affirms  that  he  likes  his  strange 
habitation  better  than  ordinary  houses.  It  is 
sheltered  from  the  sun  and  rain  in  summer  by 
the  surrounding  foliage,  and  in  winter  it  is 
above  the  snow  and  the  branches  protect  it 
from  the  cold  winds.  Before  he  went  to  live 
there  Hulitt  suffered  greatly  from  ague,  but  he 
6ry 


66  Tiiait  ano  "Ibumor 

never  since  has  had  a  symptom  of  the  disease. 
He  makes  friends  of  the  birds  and  the  squirrels 
and  cares  for  no  other  company,  but  is  quite 
happy  and  not  of  a  morose  disposition,  though 
he  is  certainly  an  odd  character. 

His  oddness  is  inherited.  His  father  lost  his 
reason  trying  to  invent  a  perpetual  motion  ma- 
chine, but  Hulitt  never  wasted  time  on  things 
like  that.  He  is  a  shoemaker  and  has  a  snug 
bank  account,  besides  owning  the  farm  on  which 
the  queer  dwelling-place  is  located.  He  has 
lived  in  this  tree  for  twenty-five  years,  and  dur- 
ing all  that  time  has  not  looked  into  a  newspaper 
or  manifested  any  interest  in  current  news. 

Hazewell's  selection  of  his  dwelling-place  was 
the  result  of  a  rash  anti-election  promise.  It 
was  during  the  Grant-Seymour  campaign  of 
1868.  Hazewell  was  a  Democrat,  and  whooped 
things  up  for  Seymour.  The  postmaster  was  a 
Republican,  and  talked  as  strongly  for  Grant. 
The  two  men  had  many  an  ardent  discussion, 
and  at  the  close  of  an  argument  one  day  the 
postmaster  said  he'd  be  darned  if  he  wouldn't 
leave  the  country  if  Seymour  were  elected. 

"Well,"  said  Hazewell,  "I  won't  leave  the 
country,  but  if  Grant  is  elected  I'll  climb  a  tree 
and  stay  there." 

Grant  was  elected,  and  Hazewell  climbed  his 


oX  Bmencan  Statesmen  67 

tree,  and  there  he  has  lived  the  life  of  a  hermit 
ever  since,  only  coming  down  to  do  his  farm 
work  and  transact  other  necessary  business. 


During  the  session  of  the  Territorial  Legisla- 
ture of  Montana  held  several  years  ago  a  meas- 
ure was  introduced  which  involved  grave  con- 
stitutional questions,  as  it  seemed  to  some. 
One  rural  orator  declaimed  quite  fiercely 
against  it,  urging  that  it  was  clearly  in  opposi- 
tion to  the  great  principles  of  the  Magna  Charta 
which  the  brave  barons  in  days  of  old  had 
wrested  from  King  John.  Judge  D ,  evi- 
dently looking  upon  this  daring  flight  of  his 
colleague  as  a  studied  "  stunner,"  rose  immedi- 
ately to  reply,  determined  to  show  that  he  for 
one  was  not  to  be  overwhelmed  by  high-sound- 
ing words  or  obscure  allusions.  Plunging  at 
once  into  his  subject  he  declared  with  much 
vigor  that  it  was  time  for  the  legislative  bodies  of 
Montana  to  think  and  act  for  themselves  without 
reference  to  the  opinions  or  principles  of  King 
John  and  his  man  McCarty. 


A  few  years  ago,  in  a  certain  New  England 
town,    which    is    blessed    with    a   college,    the 


68  Wit  anD  fmmot 

"  Fourth  "  was  celebrated  with  becoming  spirit. 
The  Declaration  of  Independence  was  read  by 
one  of  the  college  students,  and  at  the  close  of 
the  reading  a  somewhat  pompous  but  not  over 
well-informed  farmer  turning  to  a  by-stander  re- 
marked : 

"  That  young  man  is  a  mighty  smart  fellow, 
and  made  a  splendid  speech.  How  he  did  give 
it  to  Old  England  !  " 


"  Once  when  I  was  making  my  first  race  for 
Congress,"  remarked  a  veteran  statesman  of  the 
Lower  House,  "  I  had  to  make  a  village  about  ten 
miles  from  a  railroad.  I  drove  over  in  the  hack 
that  carried  the  mail  and  such  unfortunates  as  had 
to  go  to  the  town,  and  as  I  was  the  only  passen- 
ger I  took  a  seat  by  the  driver  and  let  him  enter- 
tain me.  We  hadn't  gone  more  than  half  a 
mile  till  I  began  questioning  him  about  the  visi- 
tors to  that  section,  and  as  he  didn't  know  who 
I  was  he  talked  quite  freely. 

"  '  You  don't  have  many  passengers,  do  you  ?  ' 
said  I. 

"'Not  as  a  rule/  said  he,  'but  I  had  two 
day  before  yistiddy.' 

"  'Who  were  they  ?  ' 

"  'One  of  'em  was  a  candidate  for  Congress 


ot  Bmerican  Statesmen  69 

tryin'  to  git  votes  outen  the  county,  and 
t'other'n  was  a  candidate  for  the  penitensherry 
tryin'  to  git  hosses  outen  the  county.' 

"'Ah,'  said  I,  'what  became  of  them?' 
for  I  was  afraid  one  of  my  opponents  was  on  the 
warpath. 

"'Well  we've  got  one  of  'em  in  jail  and 
t'other'n  plumb  vamoosed  the  ranch.' 

"This  was  rather  out  of  the  ordinary,  but  I 
wanted  to  know  more,  and  especially  who  the 
horse  thief  was,  so  I  asked  the  name  of  the  man 
in  jail. 

"  '  One  of  'em  was  named  Smith,'  he  said  in- 
nocently, '  and  t'other'n's  name  was  Morris, 
but  I'm  dinged  ef  I  know  which  un  got 
away.'  " 


An  incident  that  has  probably  never  appeared 
in  print  was  related  by  Schuyler  Colfax  regarding 
Abraham  Lincoln.  It  was  during  the  dark  days 
of  1863,  on  the  evening  of  a  public  reception 
given  at  the  White  House.  The  foreign  le- 
gations were  there  gathered  about  the  Presi- 
dent. 

A  young  English  nobleman  was  just  being 
presented  to  the  President.  Inside  the  door, 
evidently  overawed  by  the  splendid  assemblage, 


70  Wiit  ano  Ibumor 

was  an  honest-faced  old  farmer  who  shrank 
from  the  passing  crowd  until  he  and  the  plain- 
faced  old  lady  clinging  to  his  arm  were  pressed 
back  to  the  wall.  The  President,  tall  and  in  a 
measure  stately  in  his  personal  presence,  looking 
over  the  heads  of  the  assembly  said  to  the  Eng- 
lish nobleman  :  "  Excuse  me,  my  Lord,  there's 
an  old  friend  of  mine." 

Passing  backward  to  the  door  Mr.  Lincoln 
said  as  he  grasped  the  old  farmer's  hand : 
"Why,  John,  I'm  glad  to  see  you.  I  haven't 
seen  you  since  you  and  I  made  rails  for  old  Mrs. 

in  Sangamon  County  in  1847.     How  are 

you  ? ' ' 

The  old  man  turned  to  his  wife  with  quivering 
lip,  and  without  replying  to  the  President's  saluta- 
tion said:  "Mother,  he's  just  the  same  Old 
Abe." 


The  story  is  told  that  the  late  R.  B.  Hayes 
had  for  a  neighbor  in  Ohio  a  testy  old  fellow 
who  ran  a  small  truck  farm.  He  was  honest 
and  upright,  and  Mr.  Hayes  held  him  in  high 
esteem,  notwithstanding  his  lack  of  the  social 
amenities  and  respect  for  persons.  On  one  of 
his  visits  to  Ohio  during  the  presidency,  he 
passed  the  old  man's  farm  and  found  him  plant- 


of  american  Statesmen  71 

ing  potatoes  in  a  patch  near  the  road.  The 
President,  being  somewhat  of  a  farmer  himself, 
noticed  some  peculiarity  in  his  neighbor's  style 
of  planting,  and  after  a  few  minutes '  chat,  he 
called  attention  to  it,  and  the  old  man  argued 
the  point  awhile. 

"After  all,"  concluded  the  President,  "I 
don't  think  you  are  doing  it  as  it  should  be 
done  for  the  best  results." 

The  old  farmer  rested  his  arm  on  the  fence, 
and  looked  steadily  at  Mr.   Hayes. 

"They  ain't  neither  one  of  us,"  he  said, 
"  above  havin'  fault  found  with  us  ;  but  ef  you 
just  go  on  presidentin'  the  United  States  your 
way,  an'  I  go  on  plantin'  pertaters  my  way,  1 
guess  we  won't  be  no  wuss  off  in  the  end." 

Mr.  Hayes  accepted  the  suggestion  pleasantly 
and  passed  on. 


There's  a  good  story  about  a  rural  member  of 
the  Wisconsin  Legislature.  The  old  man  was 
elected  to  the  State  Senate  from  one  of  the  lumber 
counties,  and  was  proud  of  the  honor.  When 
the  Legislature  met  in  Madison,  Senator  Blank 
was  daily  in  his  seat  before  the  time  for  calling 
the  Senate  to  order,  and  spread  the  Madison 
Journal before  him  to  read  the  news  of  the  day. 


12  IRHit  ano  Ibumor 

One  morning  after  the  chaplain's  prayer  while 
the  Clerk  of  the  Senate  was  reading  the  journal 
of  the  proceedings  of  the  previous  day,  a  gentle- 
man arose  and  said  : 

"Mr.  President,  I  move  to  dispense  with  the 
reading  of  the  journal."  Senator  Blank  quietly 
folded  his  Madison  Journal,  arose  and  said  : 

"  Mr.  President  I  move  also  to  dispense  with 
the  reading  of  the  Times,  the  Inter-  Ocean,  and 
all  other  papers.  There  should  be  no  distinction 
against  the  Journal.'" 


It  was  at  a  banquet  in  Washington,  given  to  a 
large  body  of  Congressmen,  mostly  from  the 
rural  districts.  The  tables  were  elegant,  and  it 
was  a  scene  of  fairy  splendor,  so  to  speak ;  but 
on  one  table  there  were  no  decorations  but  palm 
leaves. 

1 '  Here, ' '  said  a  Congressman  to  the  head 
waiter,  "  why  don't  you  put  them  things  on  our 
tables  too  ?  "   pointing  to  the  plants. 

The  head  waiter  didn't  know  he  was  a  Con- 
gressman. 

"We  cain't  do  it,  boss,"  he  whispered  con- 
fidentially ;  "  dey's  mostly  Congressmen  at  all  de 
tables  'ceptin'  dat  one,  an'  if  we  put  pa'ms  on 
dere   tables  dey  take  um  for  celery  an'  eat  um 


of  Bmencan  Statesmen  73 

all    up   sho.      'Deed    dey    would,    boss.     We 
knows  'em." 

****** 

"  Even  a  statesman  is  picked  up  sometimes," 
remarked  the  Congressman  to  a  crowd  of 
listeners.  "On  one  occasion  I  was  going  over 
my  district  to  get  posted,  and  in  my  rambles  I 
ran  across  an  old  fellow  away  up  on  the  head 
waters  of  a  creek.  He  was  hoeing  corn  in  a 
field  near  the  road,  and  I  stopped  to  talk  with 
him. 

"  'Good -morning,'  I  said  pleasantly. 

"  '  Morning,'  he  responded,  but  never  stopped 
his  hoeing. 

"  *  Right  nice  looking  field,'  I  remarked. 

"  '  Might  be  wuss,'  he  replied,  still  hoeing. 

"'Excuse  me,'  I  ventured,  'but  I'm  the 
member  of  Congress  from  this  district.' 

"  '  Air  you  ?  '  he  asked,  still  hoeing.  '  I  voted 
for  you.' 

"  '  I'm  much  obliged,  I'm  sure,'  I  said,  '  I'm 
up  here  now  taking  a  look  over  the  country/ 

"  'Well,  I  hain't  no  objection,'  he  said,  still 
hoeing,  '  ef  you  don't  take  nothin'  else,'  and  he 
looked  at  me  so  suspiciously  that  I  bade  him 
good-day  and  rode  on." 

****** 

In    Portland,   Maine,   they  tell  a  good  story 


74  Wit  ano  "Ibumor 

about  Senator  Eugene  Hale  and  Governor 
Henry  B.  Cleaves.  They  were  billed  to  speak 
in  an  interior  village  one  evening,  and  forced  to 
ride  quite  a  distance  in  a  stage  coach.  The  stage 
was  of  the  genuine  old  fashion,  and  the  driver 
was  of  the  typical  sort,  ready  to  do  anything  for 
accommodation.  On  this  occasion  a  part  of  the 
freight  put  on  top  of  the  stage  was  a  crate  con- 
taining two  calves,  each  about  four  weeks  old. 
They  made  the  night  resonant  with  their  bleat- 
ing as  the  stage  trundled  over  the  rough  country 
roads.  At  last  they  drew  up  at  a  little  village 
post-office,  and  an  old  gentleman  came  hobbling 
out  to  meet  the  driver  and  exchange  a  word 
with  him.  The  bleating  of  the  calves  kept  up 
and  the  old  gentleman  looked  u^  quizzically  at 
the  driver  and  said:  "Well,  Dan,  you've 
got  your  speakers  on  top  of  the  stage  to-night,  I 
see."  The  roar  of  laughter  that  followed  from 
the  interior  of  the  coach  startled  the  old  gentle- 
man, and  when  the  familiar  features  of  the 
Republican  candidate  for  Governor  smiled  out 
at  the  half  open  door,  he  fled  inside  the  post- 
office,  covered  with  confusion. 

H=  ^  >fc  *  *  * 

Last  winter  in  Washington  an  Indiana  man 
of  some  prominence  in  his  county  politics,  but 
withal  a  good   deal  of  a  yap,  met  a  number  of 


of  Bmcncan  statesmen 

statesmen  and  on  better  su  quaintant  e  he  joined 
them  one  night  in  the  national  game. 

He  hung  to  it  nobly  for  several  hours,  and 
went  to  his  boarding  house  a  fman<  ial  mreck. 

The  next  night  with  a  reimbursed  exchequer, 
he  tackled  the  game  again,  and  went  to  his 
boarding  house  after  it  was  over  in  much  the 
same  fix  as  the  previous  night. 

The  third  night  he  went  after  it  again,  and 
the  statesmen  were  tickled  beyond  expression  by 
the  soft  mark  that  the  gods  had  put  in  their 
path,  and  the  Hoosier  went  to  his 
house  feeling  no  better  because  he  was  getting 
used  to  it. 

On  the  fourth  night  he  was  there  again,  but 
he  refused  to  take  his  place  at  the  board  when 
called. 

"Come  on/'  coaxed  the  hungry  crowd. 
"  Nice  half  dollars  for  entrees  and  jack-DOtS  for 
dessert.      Come  on." 

■•  No,    gentlemen,"  he   said  with  a  firm 
of  Ins   head    ami   a  new  grip  on  hisp 
$i  no    more    for    me,    thanks.      1    may    be    from 
Indiana,   but  I'm   no  d d    fool   in  other  re- 
spects." 

****** 

One  day,  said  a  member  of  Congress,  I  was 
away  off  in   one  of  the  back  counties  of  n.\ 


76  IWlit  ano  Ibumor 

trict,  repairing  fences  and  doing  some  mission- 
ary work  incidental  to  the  campaign,  when  I 
saw  a  woman  sitting  on  the  roadside  watching  a 
man  splitting  rails  a  hundred  feet  further  up  the 
hill. 

"  Good-morning,"  I  said,  stopping  my  horse. 

She  returned  the  salutation,  and  the  man  kept 
on  with  his  work. 

"Stranger  in  these  parts?"  she  inquired, 
after  I  had  made  a  few  inquiries  as  to  health, 
crops,  and  other  matters  of  interest  to  a  man 
when  he  is  a  candidate. 

"Partly,"  I  replied;  "I  live  in  one  of  the 
lower  counties." 

"  Air  you  a  drummer?  "   she  asked. 

I  laughed. 

"  Do  I  look  like  one?  "  I  asked. 

"  No,  not  egsactly ;  more  like  a  preacher." 

"But  I'm  not,"  and  I  laughed  again. 

"  I  knowed  it,"  she  said,  confidently. 

"How?" 

"Preachers  don't  pack  their  bottles  in  their 
outside  pockets,"  she  remarked,  sententiously. 

I  took  mine  out  somewhat  guiltily,  and 
handed  it  to  her. 

"Oh,  Bill,"  she  called  to  the  man  splitting 
rails. 

"  Who  is  he?  "  inquired  William. 


of  Bmcrican  Statesmen  77 

She  turned  to  me  before  answering. 

"  What  do  ye  do  for  a  livin'  ?  "  she  asked. 

"I'm  a  member  of  Congress,"  I  said,  blush- 
ing at  my  own  greatness. 

She  gave  a  long,  low  whistle. 

"Bill,"  she  called,  to  the  man  up  the  lull, 
"he  don't  do  nothin'  fer  a  livin'  ;  he's  a  mem- 
ber of  Congress."  William  came  down  the 
hill,  and  there  were  three  drinks  less  in  the 
bottle  as  I  rode  on. 


One  of  the  best  men  in  Stafford  County,  Va., 
was  running  for  Supervisor  of  the  county,  and 
as  usual  when  a  really  good  man  runs  for  office, 
there  was  a  vigorous  opposition  to  him.  Some 
of  it  was  expected,  but  when  one  ignorant,  but 
influential  old  fellow  came  out  against  the  candi- 
date, the  friends  of  both  parties  were  surprised, 
and  one  of  the  candidates'  supporters  immedi- 
ately went  to  see  the  old  man. 

"Is  it  actually  true  that  you  are  against  our 
man  for  Supervisor?"  asked  the  friend  when 
he  had  led  up  to  the  point. 

"In  course  I  am,"  responded  the  old  man 
firmly. 

"  But  he  is  one  of  the  best  men  in  the  whole 
county,"  argued  the  friend. 


78  matt  ano  Ibumoc 

"I  ain't  doubting  that  at  all,  only  I  can't 
vote  fer  him." 

"Why  not?" 

"  'Cause  I  won't  vote  fer  no  man  under  them 
circumstances." 

"Under  what  circumstances?"  inquired  the 
friend  in  the  greatest  astonishment,  for  up  to 
that  time  no  "circumstances"  had  appeared  in 
the  campaign. 

"Why,  wantin'  two  offices  at  once,  like  he 
does,"  explained  the  kicker.  "I'm  willing  to 
vote  fer  him  for  Super,  but  I'll  be  derned  ef 
I'm  goin'  to  vote  fer  him  fer  Visor,  and  you  can 
tell  him  so  ef  you  want  to." 

Thereupon  the  friend  of  the  candidate  organ- 
ized an  individual  educational  campaign,  and 
by  delicate  diplomacy  brought  the  old  man  up 
to  the  trough  in  good  shape. 

****** 

There  is  a  good  story  about  Mr.  J.  Sterling 
Morton  illustrating  his  free-trade  tendency.  He 
was  talking  to  an  audience  of  farmers  one  day, 
and  he  related  a  dream  which  had  come  to  him 
the  night  before,  when  as  it  seemed  to  him  he 
was  in  the  lower  regions.  Everything  and 
everybody  were  burning  except  a  number  of 
bodies  hanging  in  a  row.  He  asked  his  Sa- 
tanic Majesty  why  these  bodies  were  not  com- 


ot  Bmertcan  Statesmen  79 

bustible.     "Oh,"    was    the   reply,    "they   are 

some  farmers  who  did  not  know  enough  I 

for  tariff  reform,  and  they  are  actually  too  green 

to  burn." 


A  mountain  member  of  the  Kentucky  I 
lature  had  fallen  into  the  hands  of  the  Leg 
tive  wags.  He  couldn't  make  a  sj>ee<  h,  and  of 
course  they  were  not  to  be  satisfied  until  they 
had  forced  him  to  make  an  attempt  at  it.  The 
occasion  finally  came,  when  in  response  to  a 
unanimous  call  he  took  the  floor. 

"Mr.  Speaker,"  he  said,  in  a  shaking  \ 
u  I  don't  know  how  to  make  a  speech.  1  never 
made  one  in  my  life,  and  as  I  stand  here  I 
this  distinguished  body  now,  my  pants  are  rat- 
tling like  the  leaves  of  the  forests,"  and  at  this 
point  his  trembling  knees  gave  way  under  him 
and  he  sank  into  his  (hair. 


It  is  characteristic  of  a  government  like  ours 
that  its  representative  assemblies  should  include 
some  men  whose  vocabulary  must   be   se\ 
strained   to  equal  that  of  their  better-edw 
fellow-members.     From   the  Princeton   R 
we   glean   a    few   rich   specimens  of   legislative 
mistakes  : 


80  1Utt  and  Ibumor 

On  one  occasion  a  pugnacious  member  of  the 
majority  in  a  certain  Legislature  listened  as  long 
as  he  could  to  the  attack  of  a  minority  member 
upon  his  party,  and  then  broke  out  with,  "  I 
warn  the  member  on  the  minority  side  of  the 
House  that  he  shall  not  dare  to  come  in  here 
and  shake  his  shibboleth  over  our  heads."  The 
leader  of  the  majority  was  pained  that  such  a 
mistake  had  been  made,  and  knowing  well  him- 
self the  difference  between  shibboleths  and 
shillalahs,  he  strode  up  to  the  member  and  ex- 
claimed :  "  Confound  the  likes  of  ye  !  Don't 
you  know  enough  to  hold  your  tongue  ?  Why 
do  you  put  on  foreign  airs?  You  don't  know 
the  Alpha  and  Omega  of  your  own  language." 

Another  member  spoke  thus  of  a  bill :  ' '  Mr. 
Speaker,  this  is  a  party  bill,  and  I  ask  my  party 
friends  to  stand  by  me  and  help  me  to  pass  it." 

On  another  occasion,  when  the  Assembly 
showed  signs  of  weariness,  he  announced : 
"  Mr.  Speaker,  I  will  now  withdraw  all  my 
further  remarks  on  this  bill." 

A  third  member  commenced  to  speak  against 
a  bill  affecting  some  of  his  property:  "Mr. 
Speaker,  I  arose  in  a  quasi  capacity."  Here  a 
colleague  pulled  his  coat-tail.  The  member 
shook  him  off,  and  began  again  :  "  I  arose  in 
a  quasi  capacity."     Again  came  a  jerk  at  his 


of  amcrtcan  Statesmen  8i 


coat-tail,  and  in  a  hoarse  whisper  the  coUeag 
was  heard  to  say  :      ''Whist!   come  off  wi<l  ye; 
Greek  !  " 

Still  another  member  delivered   himself  thus 
on   the   question  of  contract   labor  in  the 
prisons:      "This  is  the  vital   cobra  of  de 
tion  that  is  stamping  out  the  lives  of  the  work- 
ingman  in  this  state  !  " 

Another  rural  legislator  induced  his  friend,  a 
lawyer,  to  present  his  name  for  delegate  to  one 
of  the  great  conventions. 

"Give  me  a  goud   send-off,''  said   he  I 
friend.      "  You   know   what   to  say,   of   course, 
and    put   it  on   strong.     I  can  stand   it.      I've 
found  out  that  unless  things  are  put  00  strong 
in  these  days  the  crowd  don't  hook  on  in 
shape." 

So  the  lawyer  arose  at  the  proper  time  and  he 
"put  it  on  strong."  And  the  peroration  went 
something  like  this  : 

"Gentlemen,  the  man  whom  I  present  to 
your  attention  to-day  has  been  bred  and  reared 
in  the  sacred  association  of  that  old  town  ;  he 
has  imbibed  the  traditions  of  the  honor  and  in- 
tegrity and  good  citizenship  that  have  come 
down  there  from  father  to  son,  and  those  1* 
of  youth  and  manhood  have  followed  him  Into 
all   his  walks   of  life.      And  to-day,  gentlemen, 


82  imit  ano  tDumcr 

lie  stands  before  you  as  one  of  the  most  striking 
types  of  genus  homo  that  you  can  find  in  all 
Maine." 

Well,  the  man  was  nominated,  but 

Just  as  soon  as  the  convention  adjourned  the 
candidate  came  hurrying  over  to  where  his 
friend  the  lawyer  was  struggling  into  his  coat. 

• '  What  sort  of  a  throw-down  are  you  trying 
to  give  me,  anyway?"  he  cried.  ''That's  a 
nice  way  to  use  a  friend.  Joking  is  all  right 
among  friends  over  a  quart  of  Mount  Vernon 
or  something  of  the  kind,  but  it  don't  go  on  the 
floor  of  a  convention,  not  for  a  minute." 

"What  are  you  trying  to  get  through  you  ?  " 
asked  the  lawyer. 

"I'm  calling  you  down,  that's  what  I  am 
doing." 

"  For  heaven's  sake,  what  for  ?  " 

11  For  standing  up  there,  cuss  ye,  and  calling 
me  a  genuine  hobo.  Don't  you  ever  work  any 
more  gags  of  that  kind  on  me  !  " 


CHAPTER  V 

Jacksoniana 

Power  over  men  was  an  attribute  of  genius 
which  General  Jackson  possessed  in  a  large 
measure.  While  conducting  his  campaign 
against  the  Creeks  in  Alabama,  the  privations 
and  hardships  the  raw  levies  had  to  endure 
were  too  much  for  a  company  of  Tennesseeans. 
They  mutinied,  declared  their  intention  of  re- 
turning home,  and  set  out,  every  man  with  his 
arms.  The  General  lay  on  a  sick-bed  in  his 
tent,  but  hearing  of  the  revolt,  sprang  up, 
dressed,  ordered  his  horse,  and  picking  up  the 
first  gun  in  his  way,  started  on  a  gallop,  alone, 
after  the  disaffected  ones.  Overtaking  and 
passing  them,  he  wheeled  his  horse,  and  pre 
senting  his  gun  as  he  swept  the  line,  with  his 
stern  and  fiery  glance,  he  shouted,  "  Back  to 
your  duty.  I'll  blow  out  the  brains  of  the  first 
man  that  dares  to  move  a  step  forward  I 
Wheel,  march  !  "  The  men  cowered  under  his 
eye,  hesitated  a  moment,  then  obeyed  his  order, 
wheeled  and  returned  to  camp,  the  General  t'ol 
83 


84  TIGUt  ano  tmmor 

lowing.  When  they  had  entered  the  lines  and 
stood  in  the  presence  of  the  whole  force,  the 
General  came  around  in  front,  alighted,  threw 
his  gun  on  the  ground,  and  said  loud  enough  to 
be  heard  by  all,  "That  old  gun  had  no  lock  in 
it." 

Another  anecdote  in  similar  vein  exhibits  his 
fertility  of  resource.  Riding  along  a  wilderness 
road  between  Knoxville  and  Nashville,  he  en- 
countered two  burly  wagoners,  who  ordered 
him  to  get  out  of  his  carriage  and  dance  for 
them.  Feigning  simplicity,  he  said  he  could 
not  dance  without  his  pumps,  which  were  in  a 
trunk  strapped  behind  the  carriage.  They  told 
him  to  get  his  slippers,  accompanying  the  per- 
mission with  oaths  and  ribaldry.  He  opened 
his  trunk,  seized  a  pair  of  pistols  lying  there 
and  with  one  in  each  hand  confronted  the 
ruffians.  "Now,"  said  he,  with  that  awful 
flash  of  the  eye,  before  which  armies  had 
quailed,  "you  impudent  scoundrels,  dance  for 
me!  Dance!  dance!"  And  he  kept  them 
dancing  at  a  lively  rate  until  he  thought  them 
sufficiently  punished,  when  he  dismissed  them, 
first  giving  them  a  moral  lecture,  delivered  with 
energy,  in  a  language  they  could  understand. 


of  Smertcan  Statesmen 

In  conversation  with  the  French  minister  one 
day,  Jackson  used  the  word  development,  with 
a  strong  accent  on  the  third  syllable.  Monbieur 
le  Ministre  elevated  his  eyebrows  slightly,  said 
nothing,  but  a  few  sentences  further  on  used  the 
word  again,  pronouncing  it  correctly.  The 
President  took  no  notice  of  this  and  having  oc- 
casion to  use  the  word  again  pronounced  it  de- 
velopment. Again  the  fastidious  diplomat  gave 
it  its  correct  accent.  No  notice  was  taken  of 
the  impolite  correction.  "I  repeat  it,  Mon- 
sieur," continued  the  President — "this  measure 
is  essential  to  the  develop'ment  of  our  resoun  es." 
"  Really,  sir,"  said  the  minister,  "  I  consider  the 
development  of  your  country,"  with  a  marked 
accent  on  the  vel.  Upon  which  the  General 
said,  "  Excuse  me,  Monsieur,  you  may  call  it 
development,  if  you  please,  but  I  say  develop'- 
ment, and  I  will  say  develop'ment  as  long  1 
revere  the  memory  of  good  old  Dr.  Waddell," 
(a  famous  schoolmaster  of  South  Carolina). 
*  *  *  •  *  * 

No  sooner  had  Jackson  entered  his  head- 
quarters in  the  town  of  New  Orleans,  than  he 
appointed  a  new  aide-de-camp,  Edward  Liv- 
ingston. After  a  review  of  the  city's  militia, 
such  as  they  were,  the  new  aide-de-camp  in- 
vited the  General  to  dinner.     Mrs.  Livingston 


8C  "TOt  ano  ttmmor 

had  asked  a  few  ladies  to  dine  with  her  that 
day,  and  we  are  told  that  she  received  the  an- 
nouncement of  the  honor  intended  her  with 
some  dismay,  for  she  knew  nothing  of  Jackson 
except  that  he  was  a  great  fighter  of  the  Indians. 
"  What  shall  we  do  with  this  wild  General  from 
Tennessee  ?  ' '  whispered  the  ladies  to  one  an- 
other, as  they  sat  awaiting  his  entrance.  But 
when  he  came  in,  perfectly  composed,  an  erect, 
bronzed  figure,  in  uniform  of  coarse  blue  cloth 
and  yellow  buckskin,  his  high  boots  flapping 
loosely,  he  seemed  to  the  ladies  the  very  ideal 
of  the  veteran  warrior.  He  gave  them  one  of 
those  magnificent  bows  for  which  he  was  after- 
wards noted,  and  behaved  with  a  mingled  grace 
and  dignity  that  astonished  the  ladies  as  much 
as  it  delighted  them.  What  surprised  them 
most  was  "the  society  tone  "  of  his  conversa- 
tion. He  begged  the  ladies,  as  he  rose  to  take 
his  leave,  not  to  give  themselves  the  least  con- 
cern about  the  safety  of  the  city.  "I  am  con- 
fident," said  he,  "  of  being  able  to  defend  it." 
When  he  was  finally  out  of  hearing,  and  the 
ladies  found  themselves  alone,  they  gathered 
around  the  hostess,  saying  : 

"Is     this      your     backwoodsman?       Why, 
madam,  he  is  a  prince." 


of  american  Statesmen 

Senator  Ogle,  a  member  of  the  Pennsyh 

Assembly,  had  been  deputed  to  compose  an  ad- 
dress to  the  newly  elected  President,  Andrew 
Jackson.  When  the  bluff  old  warrior  submitted 
his  document  to  the  House,  a  fellow-member,  .1 
dapper  little  fellow  from  Philadelphia,  observed  : 

"  Pardon  me,  General,  I  hesitate  about  ma- 
king any  suggestion  to  so  distinguished  an  in- 
dividual ;  but  I  cannot  refrain  from  saying  that 
it  is  customary  with  cultured  letter-writers  to 
write  the  first  personal  pronoun  with  a  capital 
1 1 '  instead  of  a  small  '  i.'  " 

General  Ogle  returned  a  look  of  scorn. 
"Sir,"  said  he,  "when  I  write  to  so  great  a 
man  as  Gen.  Andrew  Jackson,  Democratic 
President  of  the  United  States,  I  abase  myself. 
I  abase  myself,  sir.  I  use  as  small  an  '  i '  as  I 
can  put  upon  paper.  But.  sir,  if  ever  I  should 
have  to  write  to  a  little  snipe  like  you,  I  would 
use  an  'I,'  sir,  that  would  fill  two  pagi 
foolscap." 


A  conversation  said    to   have  occurred    in   a 
New   York   omnibus,    between  an  ami  J 
broker     and     a     Democratic    merchant,    reveals 
much  of  the  verdict  of  the  people  upon  the  char- 
acter of  Andrew  Jackson. 


88  *Mit  ano  "tbumor 

Merchant  (with  a  sigh).  "Well,  the  old 
General  is  dead." 

Broker  (with  a  shrug).  "Yes,  he's  gone  at 
last." 

Merchant  (not  appreciating  the  shrug). 
"  Well,  sir,  he  was  a  good  man." 

Broker  (with  shrug  more  pronounced).  "  I 
don't  know  about  that." 

Merchant  (energetically).  "He  was  a  good 
man,  sir.  If  any  man  has  gone  to  heaven, 
General  Jackson  has  gone  to  heaven." 

Broker  (doggedly).  "I  don't  know  about 
that." 

Merchant.  "  Well,  sir,  I  tell  you  that  if  An- 
drew Jackson  had  made  up  his  mind  to  go  to 
heaven,  you  may  depend  upon  it  he's  there." 


CHAPTER  VI 

Where  Woman  Appears 

President  Lincoln  was  busily  engaged  in 
his  office  when  an  attendant,  a  young  man  of 
sixteen,  unceremoniously  entered  and  gave  him 
a  card.  Without  rising,  the  President  glanced 
at  the  card.  "Pshaw.  She  here  again?  I 
told  her  last  week  that  I  could  not  interfere  in 
her  case.  I  cannot  see  her,"  he  said  impa- 
tiently. "  Get  rid  of  her  any  way  you  i  .in. 
Tell  her  I  am  asleep,  or  anything  you  like." 

Quickly  returning  to  the  lady  in  an  adjacent 
room,  this  exceedingly  bright  boy  said  to  lu-r, 
"  The  President  told  me  to  tell  you  that  he  is 
asleep. ' ' 

The  lady's  eyes   sparkled   as  she  responded, 
"Ah,  he  says  he  is  asleep,  eh?     Well,  tri] 
be  kind  enough  to  return  and  ask  him  when  he- 
intends  to  wake  up?  " 


A  funny  story   is   told    in   the  Senate  of  the 
mistake  made  by  a  member  of  that  body  At  the 
89 


90  Wiit  ano  Ibumor 

time  of  Gen.  Anson  McCook's  marriage  some 
half-dozen  years  ago.  Senator  Dolph  under- 
took to  get  up  a  subscription  for  a  suitable 
wedding  present,  and  offering  the  paper  to  one 
of  his  colleagues  who  was  somewhat  deaf,  ex- 
plained the  case  and  asked  for  what  amount  he 
might  put  his  name  down  in  the  list.  The  Sen- 
ator from  Oregon  was  somewhat  nonplussed 
and  considerably  nettled  to  meet  with  a  point- 
blank  refusal.  The  affair  was  the  more  inex- 
plicable as  the  Senator  of  whom  the  contribu- 
tion was  desired  was  known  to  be  a  warm  per- 
sonal friend  of  General  McCook.  Later  in  the 
day  the  situation  was  unconsciously  explained 
by  the  offending  Senator,  who  remarked  to  a 
group  of  his  friends':  "What  the  deuce  do 
you  suppose  Dolph  means  ?  He  came  to  me 
to-day,  and  after  telling  me  that  his  cook  was 
going  to  be  married,  actually  asked  me  to  con- 
tribute for  a  wedding  present !  " 


When  John  Quincy  Adams  and  Henry  Clay 
were  at  Ghent  in  1 8 14  in  association  with  Al- 
bert Gallatin,  James  A.  Bayard,  and  Jonathan 
Russell,  appointed  to  negotiate  a  treaty  of  peace 
with  Great  Britain,  they  were  on  very  intimate 
terms    of    friendship,  and    occupied   the    same 


of  Hmertcati  statesmen 

apartments.     Mr.  (lay  was  always  a  re 

lant  man,  and   in    many  rcsptt  ;^  the  very 

site   of   Mr.    Adams,    who,    though    stud 

polite  to  every  lady,  avoided  even  the  ai 

ance   of  familiarity.     The  young  girl  who  ha< 

charge  of  the  rooms  of  the  Peai 

ers  was  very  pretty  and  modest,  and  n 

with    great    respect  by  all   of  them.     B  nt   Mi 

Clay  would  now   and  then  indulge   in   compu' 

ments  to  her  beauty,  and  on  one 

fully  solicited    from   her   a   kis>.      I  H 

was  refused  the  favor;   but  in  relating  the  nu  i- 

dent  to  his  associates  lie  could  not  forego  a  joke 

on   Mr.    Adams,  who   had    what   are    known    as 

watery  or  tear-suffused  eyes.      A-.  Mr.  CL 

peated  it,  the  conversation   following  the  : 

of  the  kiss  ran  as  follows  : 

"I  presume  you  would  not  deny  Mr  A 
such  a  favor  ?  ' ' 

"Indeed  I  would."  ^he  replied.  "1 
just  done  so,  and  left  him  with  tears  in 

****** 

The  popularity  of  Senator  Call  is  enl 
with  the  lower  classes — the  "cracker"  c> 
—who  consider  him  the  grr.  rarth. 

and  will  not  vote  for  a  legislative 
less    he    agrees    to   support    the  Sen.  • 
election   whenever   his   term    runs    out.      • 


92  *Uiltt  ano  tmmor 

Congress  adjourns  Mr.  Call  comes  home,  puts 
on  a  gray  hickory  shirt,  a  pair  of  ragged 
breeches,  a  coat  with  large  holes  at  the  elbows, 
an  old  tan-colored,  perspiration-stained  slouch 
hat,  and  gets  into  his  sulky  for  an  electioneering 
tour  through  the  State. 

He  travels  over  the  sand  hills  and  through  the 
pine  forests,  stopping  at  every  cabin  "to  pass 
the  time  of  day."  He  kisses  all  the  children, 
asks  for  a  "snack"  to  eat,  and  when  the 
farmer's  wife  offers  him  butter  he  always  pre- 
fers sorghum  on  his  bread.  When  night  over- 
takes him  he  "puts  up"  at  the  nearest  farm- 
house, no  matter  how  uninviting  it  may  be,  and 
when  he  goes  to  bed  holds  out  his  ragged  trous- 
ers to  his  host  and  says  : 

"  I  snagged  my  pants  in  the  brush  to-day  and 
I'd  be  under  everlasting  obligations  if  your 
good  wife  would  mend  them  for  me." 

Of  course  the  woman  would  sit  up  all  night 
to  patch  the  garments  of  a  United  States  Sena- 
tor, and  she  puts  in  her  prettiest  stitches,  but  he 
rips  off  the  patch  in  a  day  or  two  and  plays  the 
same  game  in  the  next  county.  The  name  of 
the  women  in  Florida  who  have  mended  Senator 
Call's  pants  is  legion,  and  it  is  the  proudest 
event  in  their  lives. 


of  American  Statesmen 

During  the  Forty-Sixth  Congress,  TaU 

Maryland  was  called  out  of  the  House  o;.- 
by  a  lady  who  had  forwarded   a  card   to  him. 
When  he  reached  the  reception-room  she  came 
rushing  towards  him,  telling  him  her  Dame, 
exclaiming:      "Mr.    Talbot,]   am  from 
land.     I  am  forty-one  years  old  and  my  ds 
ter  is  twenty-one.     Neither  one  of  us  h* 
had  a  Government  position." 

"  Madam,"  replied  Mr.  Talbot,  "  m  what  p.irt 
of  Maryland  do  you  reside  ?  ' ' 

She  then  gave  her  address  in  Baltimore.      Mr 
Talbot  brightened    up  saving,    "  You  are    very 
fortunate,    madam.     The    Constitution    of    the 
United  States  provides  that  ea»  h 
shall  give  either  mother  or  daughter  an 
when  the  mother  is  forty-one  and  the  daoghta 
twenty-one  years  old,  and  that  each  district  is 
entitled  to  such  a  position.     All  the  mfiiibfll 
of    the    Maryland    delegation    have    fillet!    the 
places  allotted  to  them  under  this  provision  with 
the   exception   of    Colonel    McLane,    in   I 
district  you  reside.     He  has  not  availed  hii 
of    this   constitutional    privilege. 
Lane  would  be  delighted  to 
you  or  youv  daughter  a  place." 

Mr.  Talbot  then  returned  to  the  chamber, 
the  same  card  went  to  Rep;- 


94  Wiit  ano  Ijumor 

The  old  gentleman  was  absent  about  ten  minutes. 
When  he  returned  he  walked  up  to  Mr.  Talbot 
and  said  :  "  Fred  Talbot,  you  sent  that  woman 
to  me,  and  you  know  there  is  no  constitutional 
provision  giving  places  to  mother  and  daughter 
whose  ages  aggregate  sixty-two  !  The  worst  of 
it  is  that  she  insisted  that  I  was  deceiving  her 
when  I  assured  her  that  she  was  mistaken.  She 
replied  that  Mr.  Talbot  was  too  nice  a  man  to 
lie!" 

****** 

A  Western  member  of  Congress,  who  isn't 
much  on  society,  but  whose  wife  is,  came  home 
one  afternoon  in  Washington  and  found  her  just 
returning  from  a  round  of  visits. 

"Well,  my  dear,"  he  inquired,  "where  have 
you  been  to-day  ?  ' ' 

"Out  making  party  calls,"  she  replied,  with 
very  apparent  satisfaction. 

"  Party  calls?  "  he  repeated  in  puzzled  inter- 
rogation. 

"  Yes,  Colonel,  party  calls." 

He  studied  over  it  for  a  minute. 

"Now,  look  here,  Maria,"  he  said,  earnestly, 
"  let  up  on  that.  You  attend  to  society,  and 
leave  the  party  to  me.  You  don't  know  any- 
thing about  politics,  even  if  you  are  in  Wash- 
ington with  me,  and   if  you  get  to  doing  any 


ot  Hmerlcati  statesmen 

party   work  you'll   make  a  tangle  of    it  lore." 
And  then   Maria  gave  the  Colonel  a  laugh  that 
made  him  wonder  what  he  was  there  tor. 
****** 
When  Jefferson  was  running  tor  election,  great 
fear  of  him  was  manifested  among  the  Northern 
Federalists,    who    firmly    believed    that    he 
little  better  than  Antichrist     In  a  town  in  Con- 
necticut where  a  pious  old  Federalist  lady  lived 
it   was   believed   that   if   the    Federalist]   were 
overthrown,  and  the  Jefferson    Democrats  CUM 
into  power,  the  Christian  religion  would  be  put 
down  and  atheism  proclaimed,  and  among  the 
first  persecutions  would  be  the  destrut  tion 
Bibles.      The    lady    referred     to    irai 
wrought  up  at  this  prospect,  and  cast  al>out  in 
her  mind  how  she  should   preserve  he 
the   Scriptures  in   the  general   de  tTUCl  hi 

length     it    occurred    to    her    to 

S ,    the    only    Democrat    of    her 

ance,  and  throw  herself  upon    his 

accordingly  took   her  family  Bible  to  hio 

telling  him  that  she  had  heard  of  the 

of  the  Jefferson ians,  asked    him   to  b 

her.      The    Squire   attemptC 

that  her  fears  were  groundless,  but  s 

panic    stricken    to    Ik*    convinced      At    last    be 

said, 


96  "©ait  ano  tmmor 

"  My  good  woman,  if  all  the  Bibles  are  to  be 
destroyed,  what  is  the  use  of  your  bringing 
yours  to  me  ?  That  will  not  save  it  when  it  is 
found." 

1 '  Oh,  yes, ' '  she  pleaded  with  a  charming 
burst  of  trust.  ' '  You  take  it ;  it  will  be  perfectly 
safe.  They'll  never  think  of  looking  in  the 
house  of  a  Democrat  for  a  Bible." 


In  one  of  the  conventions  held  to  promote 
woman's  rights  a  lady  orator,  led  away  by  en- 
thusiasm, exclaimed,  ''It  is  well  known  that 
Solomon  owed  his  wisdom  to  the  number  of  his 
wives." 

Another  speaker,  going  further  still,  said 
there  were  very  many  positions  in  different 
departments  of  the  public  service  where  women 
could  with  entire  propriety  be  employed,  es- 
pecially certain  positions  in  the  navy ;  to  which 
a  rather  gruff  nautical  voice  among  the  audience 
responded,  sotto  voce  :  "Of  course.  Lot's  wife, 
you  know,  was  an  old  salt." 

****** 

There  lived  in  Springfield  in  i860  an  Irish 
day-laborer  named  John  McCarty,  an  intense 
Democrat.  Some  time  after  the  presidential 
election,    Mr.    Lincoln   was   walking   along  the 


ot  Hmerican  Statesmen 

public  square,  and  John  was  shoveling  out  the 
gutter.      As    the    President-elect    appro*  bed, 

McCarty  rested  on  his  shovel,  ami  holding  out 
his  hand,  said  bluntly, — "An"  so  yer  elected 
Presidint,  are  ye?     Faith,  an'  it  wasn't  by  my 
vote,  at  all,  at  all."     "  Well,  yes,  John,"  replied 
Mr.  Lincoln,  shaking  hands  with  John  ve:  • 
dially,    "the    papers    say   I'm   elected j    but    it 
seems  odd  I  should  be,  when  you  opposed  me." 
"Well,  Misther  Lincoln,"  said  John,  dropping 
his  voice  lest  some  brother  Democrat  should  hear 
the  confession,  "I'm  glad   ye  got  it,  after  all. 
It's  moighty  little  pace  I've  had  will  Bid 
votin'  forninst  ye;   an'  if  ye'd  been  bate, 
ha'   driv  me   from   the   shanty  as   shure's    the 
worrold." 


An  ex-President  of  the  United  States  r»  ently 
had  occasion  to  attend   his  wife  to  the  railway 
station,  preparatory  to  her   setting  out    U] 
long  journey  alone.      "  If  you  should  happen  to 
need  advice  or  assistance  of  any  kind,"  t. 
President  advised  his   wife  at    parting,  " 
hesitate  to  call   upon  this  gentleman 
aisle;    I   like   his   looks,"    indicating   a    \ 
stranger,  but  one  whose  appearance  and  m 
were  such  as  to  inspire  trust.     Thejournej 


98  TWUt  anD  "fcumor 

accomplished  safely,  and  the  wife  had  no  occa- 
sion to  follow  her  husband's  advice.  But  at  an 
evening  reception  shortly  after  her  arrival  in  the 
city  of  her  destination,  a  man  was  presented  to 
her  whom  she  at  once  recognized  as  her  fellow- 
traveler.  She  related  the  incident.  "  Will  you 
please  tell  your  husband,"  said  the  man,  "that 
that  is  the  first  speech  I  ever  heard  of  his  that 
meets  with  my  hearty  approval  ?  I  belong  to 
the  opposite  party." 


A  pretty  story  is  told  of  Mrs.  Levi  P.  Mor- 
ton's tact  and  courtesy  quite  equal  to  the  tradi- 
tion of  Lady  Washington's  crushing  a  teacup  on 
purpose  to  relieve  the  embarrassment  of  the 
guest  who  had  inadvertently  broken  one  of  her 
eggshell  cups  in  his  large  and  careless  hand. 
Mrs.  Morton  has  a  set  of  exquisitely  painted 
doylies  from  the  atelier  of  a  noted  Paris  artist. 
One  of  her  political  dinner  guests,  after  dipping 
his  fingers  in  the  bowl,  drew  out  the  priceless 
filmy  square  and  crushed  it  into  a  ball  trying  to 
dry  his  hands  as  he  talked  learnedly  with  his 
hostess. 

Mrs.  Morton  smiled  with  a  serenity  for  which 
it  is  hoped  the  recording  angel  will  give  her 
credit,  and  said  :    "  Such  flimsy  doylies  are  use- 


of  American  Statesmen 

less — let  me  give  you  another — but  you 
it's  the  fashion."     And  the  grateful  politicu 
cepted  the  napkin  and  never  knew  his  mistake. 
****** 

It  was  during  Cleveland's  first  incuinl  • 
The  daughter  of  a  lawyer  prominent  in  a  K 
town  had  married  an  officer  who,  a  few  months 
after  the  ceremony,  had  been  detailed  to  a  remote 
post.     The  young  wife,  who  had  enjoyed   . 
of  belleship  in  the  semi-metropolitan    commu- 
nity in  which  she  had  been  reared,  felt  as    I 
were  about  to  be  buried  alive.     Encouraged  by 
her  husband  and  father  she  repaired  to  Wash- 
ington to  seek  reprieve  at  headquarters. 

"  Fort  Riley.      Why  that's  a  pretty  good 
tail,  isn't  it?  "  asked  the  President,  to  whom  the 
lady  had  stated  her  case. 

"No,  sir;   it  doesn't  suit  me  at  all." 

"Shouldn't  we  try  and  be  satisfied  where  we 
are?"  continued  the  Chief  Magistrate,  with  a 
patronizing  smile. 

"You  might  have  been   satisfied  frith 
Sheriff  at  Buffalo,"  came  the  pert   retOl 
you  wanted  to  be  the   President  of  tl 
States." 

****** 

There  is  a  story  about  Mrs.  Julia  Ward  1 ; 
and  Sumner  that  seems   very  ch 


loo  1UU  ano  "fcumor 

both.  Mrs.  Howe  asked  the  great  Senator  to 
dinner  to  meet  Edwin  Booth,  and  Sumner  re- 
plied in  his  starchiest,  pouter-pigeon  fashion : 

"  Madam,  I  do  not  believe  that  I  care  to  meet 
your  friend  Edwin  Booth,  estimable  as  he  may- 
be both  in  his  calling  and  his  character.  I  think 
I  have  arrived  at  the  point  where  one  ceases  to 
take  any  interest  in  individuals." 

"Why  Charles,"  replied  Mrs.  Howe,  with 
intensity,  "God  hasn't  gotten  there  yet." 

#  Jfc  %i  ^S  >fc  * 

After  discoursing  at  great  length  on  the 
emancipation  of  women,  a  young  lady  asked  a 
statesman : 

11  Supposing  women  were  admitted  to  govern 
the  affairs  of  the  commonwealth,  what  post  would 
you  assign  to  me?" 

"The  management  of  an  institution  for  the 
deaf  and  dumb. ' ' 

"Why  that?" 

"Because  either  those  unfortunates  would 
learn  to  talk,  or  you  would  learn  to  keep  quiet." 
*  *  *  *  *  * 

If  there  is  any  one  thing  for  which  Ohio 
statesmen  are  noted,  it  is  gallantry  to  ladies  trav- 
eling by  rail.  It  is  related  of  a  member  of  the 
State  Legislature  that  on  taking  the  cars  to  re- 


ot"  Bmcncnn  Statesmen  101 

turn  to  Columbus,  he  espied  a  seal  6nl)  | 
filled  by  a  well-dressed  lady,     [t  is  I 

pose  that  the  legislator  was  not  -      , 

one  empty  sitting,  tor  he  at  once  marched  I 

seat,  and  in  his  most  winning  v,  l   iie 

might  trouble  the  lady  so  much  as  to  occupy  a 

part   of    the    seat.     The   lady,  seeing    a 

near   her,   answered    the   question    by    in 

over,     and    down    sat    the    gentleman.       The 

gentleman    found    the    lady    to    be 

of  a  comely  face,  and  at   once  comment 

conversation  with  her.     He  talked  oi 

wrongs,  and,  without   asking  her  opinion,  kept 

on  talking  about  this,  that,  and  the  other  al 

a  rate  of  speed  as  to  give  the  lad] 

reply,  even  if  she  had  desired  to  reply. 

talking  for  some  time  he  looked  towan  I 

and  was  surprised    to   notice  that  si 

paying  the  slightest  attention  to  hi 

but   was   gazing    abstractedly  o 

window.     The  member  didn't   like  tl 

affairs,  and  was  silent   for  a  mom< 

repeating  something  about  w. 

desert   air,    began   his   i 

finally   asked    a   leading    question    in 

nary    tone.     The   lady  did 

thought  the  Solon,  the  lady  i^  hard  oi 

He  repeated   his   question  in 


102  iMit  ano  •frumor 

and  still  no  answer.  Thinking  he  had  offended 
the  lady  in  some  way,  he  began  to  apologize  and 
kept  it  up  until  some  one  occupying  a  seat  in 
front  of  him,  who  had  been  a  silent  observer  of 
the  scene,  interrupted  the  apologizer  by  saying, 
"Excuse  me,  sir,  but  that  lady  you  have  been 
talking  to  so  earnestly  for  some  time  past  is  deaf 
and  dumb,  and  has  been  so  since  her  birth." 
This  thing  leaked  out,  and  on  the  member's  ap- 
pearing in  his  seat  next  day  some  one  proposed 
that  he  should  be  added  to  the  Committee  on 
Deaf  and  Dumb  Asylums. 


President  John  Tyler  took  for  his  second  wife, 
in  June,  1844,  Miss  Julia  Gardiner,  he  being 
then  about  fifty-five,  and  she  some  thirty-five 
years  younger.  It  is  said  that  Henry  A.  Wise 
and  other  Virginia  friends  endeavored  to  dis- 
suade him  from  the  match,  and  one  of  them  told 
him  a  story  of  a  rich  old  James  River  planter 
who  called  his  body  servant  Tony  into  council 
on  the  expediency  of  his  marrying  a  miss  in  her 
teens.  Tony  shook  his  head,  saying,  "  Massa, 
had  you  better  ?  ' ' 

"Yes,  Tony,"  replied  the  infatuated  planter 
"why  not?  She  is  so  beautiful  that  the  sight 
of  her  would  make  one  rise  from  a  sick  bed  to 


ot  Bmertcati  Statesmen 

marry    her.      I  am  old,  to  be  sure,  but  L: 
too  old  to  make  her  happy." 

"  Yes,  massa,"  diplomatically  remarked  I 
"you   is   now   in   your  prime,  dat'a 

when  she  is  in  her  prime,  where  den,  I 
your  prime  be  ?  " 

Mr.  Tyler  is  said  to  have  laughed  .  I 
philosophy,  but  he  nevertheless  married 
Gardiner,  and  the  marriage  proved  aver] 

one. 

****** 

The  little  daughter  of  a  Demo  ratii  candidate 

for  a  local  oftice  in  Saratoga  I 

when   told  that  her  father  had   got  th< 

tion,   cried  out,  "Oh,    mama,  d  -r  die 

of  it?" 

****** 

"I    was    making  a  trip  through   t:  • 
says  Senator  Tom  Carter  of  Mo: 
was  introduced   to  the  wife   of  a  man   w; 
running  for  Congress.      I  wanted    to  be  pl< 
to  her,  so  in  order  to  start 
quired  : 

"  ■  So    your   husband     is  run 
gress  ?  ' 

"  '  Yes,'  she  replied. 

"  '  I    suppose    it    keeps    him    DfCttJ 
ventured. 


104  Witt  ano  Dumor 

"  Yes,'  was  the  very  short  reply. 

1 '  This  rather  froze  me,  and  somewhat  dis- 
couraged my  attempts  to  be  pleasant,  but  I  came 
to  the  front  again  with  what  I  thought  was  a 
humorous  remark : 

"  '  I  suppose  he  kisses  all  the  babies  in  the 
district.' 

"This  was  unfortunate.  She  flared  up  an- 
grily. 

"  '  Don't  believe  a  word  of  it.  He  hasn't  had 
time  to  kiss  his  own  babies  for  two  months. ' ' ' 

Not  long  ago  Senator  Vest,  in  talking  of  Ma- 
jor Dickinson,  fell  to  discussing  the  vanities  of 
life. 

"I  once  met  a  good  old  lady  out  West,"  said 
he,  "who  evinced  great  surprise  of  a  not  very 
complimentary  sort  when  she  met  me. 

"  '  And  so  you're  Senator  Vest,  the  great  Sena- 
tor?' she  asked. 

"  'I'm  Senator  Vest,'  I  replied  bowing. 

"  'Well,  well,'  she  exclaimed  contemptuously, 
'after  all  I've  heard  about  you,  I  never'd  a 
thought  it.'  " 

****** 

A  certain  bright  woman  was  a  great  friend  of 
Governor  Crittenden  of  Kentucky,  although  of 


ot  Bmertcan  Statesmen 

opposite   political    sentiments,  and  there  * 
ways  a  contact  of  flint  and  steel  when  the\ 
together.      On  one  occasion,  at  her  house,  Mr. 
Crittenden  was  speaking  with  enthusiasm  ot  the 
neutrality    policy   adopted   by  the  State.      bin 

P said  it  was  a  cowardly  resort,  when  the 

Senator  rose  to  his  feet  and  said  : 

"  Madam,   this  is  outrageous.      You  have  no 
State  pride." 

"Very  true,  sir,"  said  she,  "  but  I  am  full  to 
blushing  with  State  shame." 

****** 

An   ignorant  woman  once  said  to  a  Northern 
friend : 

"  Do   you   know   your  people   take  our 
soldiers  and  boil  their  bodies  ;<■>  make 

u  No,  madam,  1  did  D 

"  Well,  they  do.     Now  what  do  you  think  of 
it?" 

"Oh,  I  think  it's  a  case  of  concentrated  lie, 
that's  all." 


A    seemingly    frivolous    joke    ifl 
turned  to  profitable  account  in  ( 
for  example,    one    worked     by    Repl 
Henry  Smith,  of  the  S© 
upon  the  House  Committee  BOM.     D 


106  XUit  and  *>umor 

should  be  explained  that  this  committee  is  not 
the  one  which  has.  charge  of  the  pensions  grow- 
ing out  of  the  civil  war.  Its  functions  are 
limited  to  granting  pensions  to  veterans  and 
widows  of  veterans  of  the  Mexican,  the  Black 
Hawk,  and  other  somewhat  ancient  troubles. 
One  of  its  maxims  is  that  no  widow's  pension 
should  be  larger  than  $8  a  month.  This  pro- 
ceeds on  the  theory  that  any  widow  who  sur- 
vives a  veteran  of  these  wars  must  be  a  com- 
paratively young  woman,  and  that  she  must 
have  married  the  veteran  in  his  dotage  and 
chiefly  to  get  his  pension.  One  day  Smith, 
who  is  a  new  member,  appeared  before  the 
committee,  and  in  an  incidental  and  smiling 
way  alluded  to  the  $8  rule. 

"That  is  a  fine  rule,"  said  he  in  a  guileless 
way.  "  I  sympathize  with  its  purpose  and  be- 
lieve it  should  stand ;  but,  just  as  a  guarantee 
of  good  faith,  I  am  going  to  propose  that  we 
amend  it  so  that  it  shall  read :  '  Except  in  the 
case  of  widows  over  a  hundred  years  of  age. '  ' ' 

The  members  of  the  committee  are  always 
ready  for  a  joke,  and  the  amendment  was 
adopted  with  a  unanimous  laugh. 

Thereupon  Mr.  Smith,  with  lightning-like 
agility,  whipped  out  of  his  pocket  a  bill  to 
grant   a   pension   of  Si 2    a  month    to  a  Mrs. 


of  Hmencan  Statesmen 

Hixon,  of  Clinton,  Mich.     She  had  just  ] 

her  hundredth  year.      It  wa>  aol  DC  t 
him  to  explain  that  her  husband  had  sen 
within   one  day  of    the  time  requisite  to  { 

pension  from  the  Pension  Bureau  insta 

special  act.     The  committee  voted  to  re{>ort  the 

bill  favorably  without  so  much  as  a  roll-cad. 


U    you    have   ever   told   a    witty    - 
missed  the  point,  you  will  sympathize  with  the 
unfortunate  heroine  of  the  following  recital  in  a 

Washington  newspaper : 

Some  weeks  ago  we  published   the  wir 
mark    of    a   Mr.    Martin    who,   with   his  • 
Carpenter,    occupies    the    room-    on    1 
where  the  late  Senator  Charles  Sumner  re 
In  brief,  the  story  was  that,  while  the 
tlemen  were  tinkering    with  a  refractory  . 
Mr.    Carpenter   told    Mr.    Martin    t: 
were  not  careful  the  whole  front  would  tumble 
in.      Whereupon  the  latter  replied  t.  .  I 
perfectly  willing  to  have  Sumner's  mant- 
on  him.     So   much    for   the  stOTj 
partv  a  few   evenings  . 
Martin  in  to  a  circle  of  friends  to  tr!l  him 
she  had   read  something  about  him  wrbik 
West. 


108  TWM  ano  Dumor 

"  What,  pray?  "  he  asked,  with  his  sweetest 
smile. 

"  Why,  that  story  where  you  and  your  friend 
were  fixing  your  office  grate,"  she  said,  in  a 
doubtful  tone. 

"Ah,  that  was  a  pretty  good  story,  wasn't 
it?  You  didn't  think  I  was  so  brilliant,  did 
you?" 

"  That  was  just  what  was  worrying  me,"  she 
replied,  with  considerable  anxiety.  "I've  been 
thinking  of  that  story  for  a  month  and  wonder- 
ing what  there  was  particularly  funny  in  your 
saying  you  wanted  Mr.  Sumner's  mantelpiece 
to  fall  on  you." 


CHAPTER  VII 

The  Retort  CourUi 

When  Col.  Thomas  Ochiltree  was   in  I 
gress  he  was  popular,  not  only  bei  a 
a  prince  of  good  fellows  with  all  the  world,  but 

for  his  ability   to  return    a  shaij 
occasion   seemed    to   demand  qui*  k  wit  . 
ready  tongue. 

"Ochiltree,"  said  a  member  to  hi:.. 
with    an    impertinent  sneer  that  .   the 

Colonel's  sensibilities,  "  if  I  had  your  c  he 
be  on  top  of  the  heap." 

"You   snipe,  you,"  exclaimed  the 

"if  you   had    my    cheek    and    y 

be  kicked  out  of  every  decent  pi 

ThaddeilS    Stevens    pos^evsed    the    s.imr 

and  all  members  of  the  lh>".sc  tell  one 
of  an  occurred  e  in  \\ : 
Speaker  of    the    lb 
ending    in    Stevens    >a\ 
documents  on   which   he   hft 
L08 


no  rat  ano  tmmor 

the  chair,  and  turning  his  back  to  the  Speaker 
in  the  most  impolite  way  while  passing  furiously 
up  the  aisle  towards  the  cloak-room. 

"  Is  the  gentleman  trying  to  show  his  con- 
tempt for  the  Speaker  ?  "  shouted  that  dignitary. 

''No,"  thundered  back  Stevens  turning 
around  and  facing  the  wielder  of  the  gavel : 
"lam  trying  to  conceal  it !  " 

****** 

It  was  at  a  meeting  of  a  South  Boston  Demo- 
cratic club  prior  to  an  election  some  years  ago. 
The  hall  was  filled  j  sons  of  Erin  largely  pre- 
dominated, and  the  air  was  appropriately 
clouded  with  smoke  from  pipes  of  various  ages, 
colors  and  degrees  of  offensiveness.  The  ap- 
pointing of  a  committee  of  five — for  what  pur- 
pose need  not  appear — was  in  progress,  and 
nominations  were  being  made  all  over  the  hall 
with  an  enthusiastic  indifference  to  the  laws  of 
the  much-lamented  Mr.  Cushing. 

The  acoustics  of  the  room  were  not  of  the 
best,  and  amid  the  clamor  that  greeted  each 
name  presented  it  was  extremely  difficult  to  fol- 
low the  proceedings.  At  length  a  burly  Irish- 
man at  the  back  of  the  hall  jumped  to  his  feet, 
and  waving  a  blackened  clay  pipe  at  arm's 
length,  shouted,  in  a  voice  that  might  have  been 
heard  around  the  block, 


ot  Hmerican  statesmen  in 

"Mr.  Chairman  !  " 

All  sounds  in  the  hall  came  to  an  end. 

ognition   from   the  chairman  was  instanta:  I 
11  Mr.  Chairman,  oi  move  that  May 

be  put  on  the  committee." 

"Phwat    committee    is  thot?" 

voice  from  the  other  side  of  the  room. 
"  Dom'd  av  oi  know,  but  oi  move  thot  V. 

O'Brien  be  put  on  it." 

****** 

The  famous  Thad  Stevens  had  a  col 
ant  in   Washington    named     Matilda,   who  one 
Sunday   morning   smashed   a  large  Al  the 

buffet.  "  What  have  you  broken  now,  j 
black  idiot?"  exclaimed  her  master.  M 
meekly  responded  :  "  'Tain't  de  fo'th  com:. 
mentj  bress  de  Lawd." 

****** 

President  Hayes  was  a  total  abstainer. 
State  dinners,  otherwise  very  elegant  and 
were  served  without   wines.      The  only  i 
sion    to    conviviality    was    the    Roman    p 
flavored  with  Jamaica  rum.      EvartS  m 
tomed    to    allude    to    this  COUTM 
saving  station." 

***** 

At  another  time  risir  •  .ally 


112  van  anD  ibumor 

the  guests  at  a  Thanksgiving  dinner,  Evarts  be- 
gan :  '  <  You  have  been  giving  your  attention  to 
a  turkey  stuffed  with  sage.  You  are  now  about 
to  consider  a  sage  stuffed  with  turkey." 

In  Covington,  Ky.,  lives  the  Hon.  Theodore 
F.  Hallam,  an  able  and  witty  lawyer,  whose 
misfortune  it  was  to  have  his  friends  constantly 
making  play  upon  his  name.  Most  men  whose 
names  can  in  any  way  be  punned  or  played 
upon  have  suffered  from  every  possible  variation 
of  such  play,  until  it  has  become  wearisome  and 
exasperating.  Hallam  had  borne  allusions  with- 
out end  to  the  "  Middle  Ages,"  "Constitu- 
tional Law,"  etc.,  when  one  day,  at  Washing- 
ton city,  he  was  introduced  to  Governor  Hogg, 
of  Texas.  "Hallam?  Hallam?"  queried  the 
Governor.  "Are  you  the  original?"  "No, 
Governor  Hogg,"  said  Hallam.     "Are  you?" 

Upon  one  occasion  when  Henry  Clay  and 
Tom  Corwin  were  both  members  of  the  United 
States  Senate,  the  Kentuckian  visited  the  room 
of  the  Ohioan  to  urge  him  to  go  for  a  certain 
measure,  which  the  latter  was  little  inclined  to 
support.  The  discussion  waxing  rather  warm, 
Harry   of  the   West,  rising  to  his  full  height, 


ot  Bmertcan  5tateamcn  ua 

brought  down  his  fist  with  full  ton  c  I 

size  the  remark,  "By ,  Tom,  it  most 

shall  be  so."     The  blow  upon  the  tabic  : .... 

everything  in  the  room  rattle,  and   its  CX  I  upant, 

giving  his  visitors  one  of  his  peculiar!] 

looks,  quietly  remarked  :    "Look  here,  Mr.  Clay, 

you  may  abuse  me  as  much  as  you  | 

I'll  be  hanged  if  I'll  allow  you  or  any  othci 

to  break  my  furniture." 

****** 

One  day  Bourke  Cockran  was  telling  a 
on  the  floor  of  the  House — he  was  standing  in 
one  of  the  aisles — when  Mr.  Peine,  the  1'opulist 
Congressman  from    Colorado,    walked    up 
said  : 

"  Excuse  me,  Mr.  Cockran,  1  have  a  let- 
introduction  to  you." 

"I  can  do  nothing  for  you,"   responded  the 
New  York  Congressman.     "  All  the   :. 
and  page  places  are  filled." 

****** 

Senator  Evarts  was  a 
diner-out  and  giver  of  most  elaborate  ai  d  i 
dinners  himself.     To  a  lady  who 
prise  that  one  of  such  slendei 
physique  could  endure  - 
varying  viands  and  different 


114  XUit  am>  Dumot 

that  it  was  not  so  much  the  different  wines  that 
gave  him  trouble  as  the  indifferent  ones. 


General  Grant  was  popularly  supposed  to  be 
habitually  grave,  reserved,  and  taciturn,  but  on 
occasion  was  very  vivacious  in  conversation, 
with  a  keen  sense  of  dry  quiet  humor. 

One  evening,  after  a  stag  dinner  at  the  White 
House,  the  company  assembled  in  the  library  to 
smoke.  Talk  fell  upon  the  happiest  period  of 
life — childhood,  youth,  manhood,  age. 

Grant  listened,  but  said  nothing  till  asked  for 
his  opinion. 

"  Well,"  he  replied  after  a  pause,  "  I  believe 
I  would  like  to  be  born  again,"  which  indicated 
that  he  had  found  existence  enjoyable  all  the 
way  through. 

****** 

One  of  the  last  as  well  as  one  of  the  neatest 
hits  made  by  General  Butler,  occurred  during 
the  famous  "dead-lock"  on  the  Civil  Rights 
Bill.  The  question  of  adjournment  was  under 
consideration,  and  General  Butler  had  stepped 
over  to  Mr.  Randall's  desk  for  a  private  consul- 
tation. Butler  favored  a  Sunday  session.  Ran- 
dall opposed. 

"  Bad  as  I  am,  I  have  some  respect  for  God's 


of  American  Statesmen  lis 

day,"  said  the  Democrat,  "ami  I  don't  think  it 
proper  to  hold  a  session  of  Congress  on  that 
day." 

"Oh,  pshaw,"  responded  Butler,  "don't  the 
Bible  say  that  it  is  lawful  to  pull  your  ox 
out  of  a  pit  on   the  Sabbath   day?     You  have 
seventy-three  asses  on  your  side  of  this  1 1 
and  I  want  to  see  them  safely  out  of  this  dm  h 
before  to-morrow." 


When  Evarts  was  Secretary  of  State   in   the 
Cabinet  of  President    Hayes,   the  strugg. 
places  in  the  diplomatic  service  nras  very  I  I 
As  he  was  leaving  the  elevator  at  the  i 
very  busy  day,  he  said   the  conveyaiM  e 
noon  had  "taken  up  a  very  large  colta  turn  tor 
foreign  missions";   and  when  asked  what   had 
been  done,  he   replied,  "Many  tailed,  but  few 
chosen  !  ' ' 

****** 

Two  gentlemen,  well  known  for  quicknc 
wit,   one  a   politician,    the  other   a   . 
were  at  a  friend's  house  in  the  country,  U 
Sunday  were  of  course,  to  go  to  chun  h.     The 
former  said  to  the  clergyman.  "Come 
me."*      But   the  clerical  gentleman  prefer: 
walk.     A   shower  came  on  just 


116  rat  anD  Dumor 

overtook  the  clergyman,  who  had  started  first. 
The  public  functionary  put  his  head  out  of  the 
window  with, 

"  How  blessed  is  he  who  ne'er  consents 
By  ill  advice  to  walk," 

to  which  the  minister  immediately  retorted, 

"  Nor  stands  in  sinners'  ways  and  sits 
Where  men  profanely  talk." 


Attorney- General  Miller  came  from  one  of 
the  old  interior  towns  of  New  York.  To  reach 
the  place  you  leave  the  railroad  at  a  station, 
and  take  an  ancient  vehicle  for  a  mile  or  two 
over  the  pike.  Some  time  ago  Attorney-Gen- 
eral Miller  visited  the  scene  of  his  early  man- 
hood. As  he  left  the  train  there  was  the  "  bus," 
looking  just  as  he  remembered  it,  and  there  was 
the  driver,  a  little  older,  a  little  more  stooped 
about  the  shoulders,  but  otherwise  the  same 
monosyllabic  philosopher  of  the  front  seat.  Mr. 
Miller  climbed  into  the  back  end  and  sniffed 
his  nose  as  he  encountered  the  well-remembered 
odor  of  the  stable.  The  Attorney-General  re- 
introduced himself  to  old  Dick,  and  as  he  was 
the    only   passenger,    he    opened   conversation 


ot  American  Statesmen  11? 

while  the  "bus"  rattled  and  bumped  along  the 
pike. 

"Doesn't   seem   to   be   much  here, 

Dick  ?"  suggested   Mr.    Miller   with    the  rising 
inflection. 

"Nope,"  replied  Dick. 

"You  look  about  as  you  did  the  last  time  I 
was  here,"  was  the  next   thing   t he- 
General   fired  at   the   back  of  the  old  driver's 
head. 

"Yep,"  said  Dick  caressing  the  flesh  erf  the 
off  horse  with  the  buckskin  snapper. 

"Got    the    same    old    bus,    haven'' 
asked  Mr.  Miller,  looking  at  the  holes  in  the  seat 
cushions. 

"The  i-dentical  same,"  a: 
turning  round. 

"Town  improved   much   sin<  e  I  left  ?" 
tured  Mr.  Miller. 

"  Nope,"  was  Dick's  discouraging  re 

"  People  changed  any  ?  "  was  the  Q€2 

"All  jes*  about  the  same," 
to   take   the   lead   and    unl>osom  with   the 
gossip. 

"I  suppose  you   know  I'm  in  tl 
Cabinet,"  said  Mr.  Miller  after  a  little 
which   he   decided    to   make  one  more  effort  to 
start  Dick's  tongue. 


lis  van  anO  Ibumor 

"  So  I  heerd,"  was  the  laconic  reply. 
' 4  What  do  people  say  about  it  ?  "  was  the  last 
effort. 

"  Don't  say  nothin' — jes'  laugh,"  said  Dick. 


On  the  desk  of  "Private"  John  Allen  of 
Mississippi,  Amos  J.  Cummings  noticed  an  en- 
velope directed  thus : 

"  Col.  John  M.  Allen,  United  States  Senate." 

"How  is  it,"  asked  he,  "that  you  a  private 
and  a  plain  Representative  are  addressed  as 
Colonel  and  a  Senator  ?  ' ' 

"Because,"  he  answered  quickly,  "  that  fel- 
low had  sense  enough  to  know  that  I  ought  to 
be  both." 

Dr.  Bartlett,  of  the  New  York  Avenue  Church, 
called  on  Senator  McMillan  at  Washington 
once,  and  received  from  him  a  subscription  of 
$500  towards  the  expenses  connected  with  the 
forthcoming  assembly  of  the  Presbyterian 
Church.  Dr.  Bartlett  bowed  as  well  as  ex- 
pressed his  thanks  for  the  liberal  subscription, 
extended  his  hand,  and  was  about  to  turn  away 
when  the  Senator  remarked  : 

' '  Doctor,  are  you  acquainted  with  Senator 
Brice,  of  Ohio?" 


of  Bmerican  statesmen  119 

"I  have  not  the  honor,"  said  Dr.  Bai 

11  Wait  a  moment  then,  please,  and  I  will 
send  for  him  to  come  out,"  and  turning  to  a 
messenger  he  requested  him  to  present  his 
pliments  to  Senator  Brice,  and  request  his  pres- 
ence at  the  east  door  of  the  Senate.  In  a  mo- 
ment Senator  Brice  appeared  and  was  presented 
to  Dr.  Bartlett. 

"I  have  sent  for  you,"  remarked  Senator 
McMillan,  "for  the  reason  that  you  have  not 
only  the  reputation  of  being  a  liberal  patron  of 
the  arts  and  sciences,  but  of  education  and  re- 
ligious institutions  and  objects  as  well.  As  the 
one  hundred  and  fifth  General  Assembly  of  the 
Presbyterian  Church  meets  here  in  May,  and 
that  means  that  there  will  be  over  a  thousand 
commissioners  in  attendance  who  are  to  be  taken 
care  of,  they  are  looking  for  people  like  you  to 
help  them  out.  I  have  made  a  small  subs 
tion  myself,  and  thought  you  would  be  willing 
to  duplicate  it." 

"Certainly,"  said  Senator  Brice,  "  I  will  give 
the  same.      What  was  your  subscript  1 

"Five  hundred  dollars,  was  it  not,  Do  tor?" 

"That  is  correct,"  said  Dr.  Bartlett. 

Senator   Brice  gave   a  quick    i 
McMillan,     who    smiled     serenely     in     rr 
Senator    Brice     thereupon    went    through    his 


120  Wiit  and  Dumot 

pockets  and  succeeded  in  fishing  out  about 
$5,000  in  "pin  money,"  as  he  termed  it  and 
was  about  to  hand  Dr.  Bartlett  a  $500  bill  when 
he  smiling  remarked  to  Senator  McMillan  : 
"  Don't  you  think  we  had  better  make  this  a 
thousand  each  ?  ' ' 

****** 
Probably  the  mot  of  Mr.  Evarts  most  widely 
flown  concerns  the  apochryphal  feat  told  of 
George  Washington  hv"  jerking"  a  silver  dol- 
lar across  the  Rappahannock.  Aside  from  the 
unlikelihood  that  the  thrifty  George  would  throw 
a  silver  dollar  over  the  river",  when  a  pebble 
would  have  done  as  well,  the  distance  was  so 
great  that  the  skeptics  were  incredulous,  and 
another  legend  seemed  on  the  edge  of  being 
destroyed  when  Mr.  Evarts  came  to  its  rescue 
with  the  suggestion  that  "a  dollar  went  much 
farther  in  those  days  than  now." 

5}C  5JC  5(C  5j<  3f*  *> 

Among  the  guests  at  a  dinner  to  Daniel 
Webster  in  New  York  was  Dr.  Benjamin  Bran- 
dreth,  the  inventor  of  a  celebrated  pill  known 
by  his  name.  Mr.  Evarts  united  these  two 
great  men  in  a  volunteer  toast  to  "  Daniel 
Webster  and  Benjamin  Brandreth ;  the  pillars  of 
the  Constitution." 


of  Bmcncan  $tatC0mcn 

Objections  had  been  filed  with  the  Judi 
Committee  to  the  confirmation  of  a  n< 
on   account   of  the   dissolute   habits   of  t.  ■ 
pointee. 

When  the  case  came  up  for  consideration  the 
chairman  called   for  the  affidavit 
produced  a  number  from  the  files.      Cons 
his  docket  Mr.    Edmunds    thought   there  were 
more,   and  others  were  found. 
closed  another  batch  that  had  t> 
or  mislaid. 

''The  papers  in  this  d  Mr.  K 

"appear  to  be  more  dissipated,  if  possible,  than 
the  candidate." 


Judge  David   Davis  was  <m  invetei 

promiser    ami    composer   of    strife,    whi<  h    led 
Conkling  to  allude  to  him   in  debate  as   "the 
largest   wholesale   and    retail    de.iler    ; 
soothing  syrup  the  world  has  eve: 

Later,  in  the  di» 
Davis  interrupted   Conkling    by 
tion   or   anticipation,    which    Conkling 
by  quoting  two  lines  fro 

••  II  <■  knows  the  words  ti    I 

Ere  from  my  opening 
****** 


122  Bait  anD  Ibumor 

Charles  Sumner  had  no  more  sense  of  humor 
than  a  hippopotamus,  but  there  was  something 
excessively  humorous  about  his  colossal  self- 
consciousness,  of  which  it  is  no  paradox  to  say- 
he  was  apparently  unconscious. 

His  egotism  was  inordinately  vast,  though  in- 
nocent in  its  simplicity.  It  was  far  from  con- 
ceit, and  led  to  no  disparagement  of  his 
associates. 

Probably  Grant,  whom  he  hated  and  abused, 
came  the  nearest  to  sizing  him  up  when  he  said  : 
"The  reason  Sumner  doesn't  believe  in  the 
Bible  is  because  he  didn't  write  it  himself." 


One  might  suppose  that  all  the  anecdotes  of 
Henry  Clay  worth  repeating  had  been  published, 
but  a  fresh  one  seems  to  have  sprung  into  ex- 
istence, which  exhibits  Mr.  Clay's  humor  in  so 
pleasant  a  light  that  we  gladly  reproduce  it.  It 
is  told  by  one  Sam  Long,  formerly  well  known 
as  a  clown  in  the  "arena."  He  says:  "I 
remember  once  we  entered  Lexington  in  proces- 
sion, and  it  happened  that  Mr.  Clay  was  driving 
in  at  the  same  time.  I  brought  up  the  rear  of 
the  procession,  riding  a  mule.  As  he  was  di- 
rectly behind  me,  I  turned  my  face  to  the  mule's 
tail  and  sang  out,  ■  Here  we  are,  fellow-citizens. 


ot  Bmcrican  Statesmen 

Wisdom  led   by  Folly.'     The   people 

and   Mr.    Clay  seemed    greatly  amused.      N 

day  at  the  circus  I  made  him  a  speech  in  whi<  h 

I  advised  him  to  be  President  of  the  1 

States,    and   take    me  into    his    <  abinet 

night  he  sent   me  a  bottle  of  the  Quest  p 

ever    tasted,    with    his    compliments, 

4  From  the  poorest  fool  to  the  best  down  m  the 

United  States.'  " 


Of  Ex-Governor  Black,  of  New  York,  a  ^tory 
is  going  the  rounds.      In  a  lawsuit  he 
against  an  undersized  country  lawyer.      In  nu- 
king an  address  the  Governor  took  occasion  to 
denounce  some  proposition  of  the  other  side. 

"It  is  false:   false  in  every  particular. 
might    as   well    say   that    twice    two   were   five, 

or "     Here  he  paused  a  second.      1  b 

man  leaned  forward  and  said  in  a  stage  whi 
"Or  that  black  was  white." 


Towards  the  end  of  Rosroe  Conkli:,. 
in   the  Senate  he   fell  out  with  the  ne 
and   sometimes  when    he   ai€ 
reporter   in   the  pres>    -..lie:-. 
book,   the  whole  crowd  would  rush  :. 


124  vait  ano  -fcumor 

into  the  lobby,  leaving  every  seat  without  an 
occupant. 

He  flushed  at  the  insult,  but  speaking  of 
journalism  afterwards,  he  was  moved  to  remark 
in  his  propitiatory  way  that  the  only  people  in 
the  world  authorized  to  use  the  first  person 
plural,  ' '  we, ' '  in  speaking  of  themselves,  were 
"  editors  and  men  with  tapeworms." 


After  the  Hon.  Cave  Johnson  had  served  his 
long  and  brilliant  career  in  Congress,  and  had 
retired  to  the  quiet  of  private  life,  he  once 
stepped  into  the  office  of  his  nephew,  Robert 
Johnson,  then  a  young  lawyer  of  much  promise, 
and  finding  the  young  man  engaged  in  writing 
with  a  gold  pen,  had  occasion  to  remark  upon 
the  extravagance  of  the  rising  generation. 

"Why  is  it,"  said  he,  "that  every  young 
man  now  has  his  gold  pen,  while  those  of  my 
day  were  content  to  use  their  goose-quills  ?  " 

"I  suppose,"  replied  Robert  in  the  most  in- 
nocent manner  possible,  "it  is  because  there 
were  more  geese  when  you  were  a  young  man." 

:j«  ^  :fc  i£  %  s-c 

Mr.  Clay's  fondness  for  whist  was  well-known. 
In  reply  to  Mr.  Clay's  charge  that  Randolph 
was  an    "aristocrat,"  Randolph  retorted   with 


of  Hmcrican  Statesmen 

pistol   finger  aimed  at  Mr.  Clay:    ••  If  a  D 
known  by  the  company  lie  keeps,  the  gentleman 
from    Kentucky  is    the  veriest   aristocrat   in    the 
House,  for  he  spends  his  nights  in  the 
of  kings,  queens  and  knaves.11 

****** 

Many  are  the  anecdotes  that  have 
lished  of  the  late  John  Van  Buren,  bat  t 
lowing  will   be   new  to   most   readers.      During 
his  father's  Presidential  term,  "Prina     [ 
then  a  very  young  man,  indulged  in  many  play- 
ful performances  that  were  not  altogether  . 
light  to  the  paternal  heart.      On  one  of  his 
to  Washington,  the  Prince  stopped  at  Wil 
where  his  father  came,  and,  after  a  kindly  . 
ing,  said,  "John,  I  had  hoped  you  would 
time  prove  to  be  a  worthy  representative  •  I 
family,  but   I   fear  you    never  will  ;    in 
convinced  that  you  will  bring  d 
than  reflect  credit  upon  it." 

"Father,"   said  John,  "you  may  think,   lo- 
calise you  happen  to  be  President  <>t  the  l 
States,  that  you  are  something  more  than  an  or- 
dinary man,  but   permit   me  to  saj 
never  be  known    in   hisl  pt  M  the  father 

of  John  Van  buren." 

****** 

While    a    member   of   (  Wph 


126  VCUt  arte  Ibumor 

boarded  in  Georgetown,  and  generally  rode  over 
to  the  Capitol,  though  he  sometimes  walked. 
On  a  keen  frosty,  morning,  while  walking  across 
the  Rock  Creek  bridge,  he  was  seen   by  Mr. 

B ,  who  was  walking  on  the  opposite  side 

of  the  bridge  in  the  same  direction.     Mr.  B , 

having  a  speaking  acquaintance  with  Randolph, 
crossed  over  to  walk  with  him.  Mr.  Randolph 
had  very  long  legs,  and  even  in  his  ordinary 
gait  was  a  very  fast  walker.  With  some  dif- 
ficulty Mr.   B came  up,  and  saluted  him 

with  "  Good-morning,  Mr.  Randolph  ;  you  are 
walking  fast  this  morning." 

"Yes,  sir,"  replied  Randolph,  "and  I  can 
walk  still  faster  ;  "  which  he  at  once  did,  leaving 
Mr.  B far  behind  to  ruminate  on  the  polite- 
ness of  statesmen. 


When  Theodore  Roosevelt  and  David  B.  Hill, 
both  ex-Governors  of  New  York,  come  together, 
there  is  usually  a  little  quiet  fun  between  them. 
Not  long  ago  the  New  York  State  newspaper 
men  gave  a  banquet  at  Stanwix  Hall,  in  Albany, 
and  among  the  guests  of  honor  were  the  two  ex- 
Governors.  Colonel  Roosevelt  came  first.  He 
wore  an  evening  suit  and  his  well-known  brown 
sombrero  made  famous  by  the  Rough  Riders. 


of  Bmerican  btatcsmen 

It  was  a  combination  costume  at  once  original 
and  picturesque.  Among  the  last  of  the  guests 
to  arrive  was  Mr.  Hill,  who  was  conventionally 
attired,  even  to  his  silk  hat. 

"  Ah,"  exclaimed  Colonel  Roosevelt,  in  his 
peculiar  staccato  manner,  as  lie  grasped  Mr. 
Hill's  hand,  "  now  we  have  with  us  a  real  Albany 
swell.  Governor  Hill  is  the  only  man  here  to- 
night with  a  silk  hat." 

"  I've  got  a  slouch  hat  myself,"  returned  Mr. 
Hill,  softly,  "but  I  left  it  at  home.  I've  given 
up  wearing  it  since  I  went  out  of  the  advertising 
business." 


Speaker  Henderson   and  Representative  | 
ham  of  Texas,  rc«  ently  had  a  little  poeti<  al  i  or- 
respondence  during  proceedings  of  the  1! 
They  entered  Congress  together,  and  have 
been  very  close  personal   friends.      They   were 
also  for  a  long  time  members  of  the  I 
Committee  together.     Judge  Lanham  hail 
that  he  wished  to  call  up  under  unanimous 
sent,  and  had  approached  the  Speakei 
three  times  regarding  it.      (  hue  d 
the  House  was  considering  bills  by  unanimous 
consent,  and  Judge  Lanham  sent  the  following, 
written  on  a  scrap  of  paper  to  the  Speaker : 


128  Tftait  anfc  Dumor 

"  Behold  a  member  at  your  door  ! 

He  gently  knocks,  has  knocked  before ; 
Has  waited  long,  is  waiting  still, 
Will  you  treat  this  member  ill  ? 

"  Yours  for  recognition." 

On  the  back  of  the  paper  on  which  this  was 
written  Speaker  Henderson  inscribed  : 

"  My  dearest  L.  can  go  to  h — 1. 
He  knows  I  always  treat  him  well." 

Judge  Lanham  was  forthwith  recognized  by 
the  Speaker  to  bring  up  his  pet  bill,  but  Repre- 
sentative Payne  of  New  York  objected  after 
quite  a  long  debate.  Some  days  afterwards  the 
Texan  once  more  appealed  for  an  opportunity 
to  bring  up  his  measure  in  these  lines  : 

" To  get  up  my  little  bill  again 

Would  make  me  feel  exceeding  well. 
But  alas  !  alas !  Sereno  Payne 
Still  tells  me  I  '  can  go  to  h — 1.'  " 

Speaker  Henderson  again  returned  a  poetic 
answer  to  Judge  Lanham's  appeal.     It  read  : 

"You  may  think  I'll  tell  you  no; 
But  quick  I  say  that  you  may  '  go.'  " 


CHAPTER  viii 

Mistaken  Identity 

Senator  Vance  has  a  very  good  memo:  j 
seldom  fails  to  recognize  a  person  be  hai 
met  and  observed,  but  one  of  his  cODStil 

got   away  with    him    a    short    tune 
Senator  was  standing  with  several  of  h 
in  the  rotunda  at  the  Capitol  when  a 
approached     and    offered     his    hand, 
"Why,   Senator,   how   are   you?"     The 
was  taken  and  grasped  warmly.      "Q 
sir  ;    how  have  yon  been  ?  " 

"  Oh,  I've  been  fine  ;    never  m  better  he 

but  I  don't  believe  you  remember  me." 

"  Oh,   yes,  I   do,   perfectly. 
quite  familiar  to  me.     Ws  only  yonr  nam 

escapes  me." 

"  My  name's  John  Buckwil 
44  Sure  enough,  John  Buckwilta 

and   he  shook  the  man's  hand  a  little 

orously.      "  I    don't   see    how   I    I 

me  think — where  was  it  I  - 
"  Well,   Senator,   the   \\u  t 

see  me  but  once." 

139 


130  "CUtt  anfc  tmmor 

"  Only  once — you  must  be  mistaken." 

"  Oh,  no,  I'm  not.  It  was  at  the  old  church 
on  Deer  Creek.  You  remember  when  you 
spoke  there  to  that  awful  big  crowd  ?  ' ' 

"Yes,  perfectly.     So  it  was." 

"I  am  the  man  who  was  a-sittin'  upon  the 
ladder  at  the  back  of  the  church.  I  was  in  my 
shirt-sleeves  and  did  a  good  deal  of  the  shoutin'. 
That  was  as  close  as  I  ever  got  to  you." 

Senator  Call  of  Florida  cherishes  a  fad  for 
horticulture.  One  day  he  made  an  incursion 
upon  the  Botanic  Gardens,  intent  upon  securing 
some  official  perquisites  in  the  line  of  shrubbery 
for  his  house.  After  picking  out  a  few  choice 
plants,  he  proceeded  to  make  an  attempt  upon 
the  good  graces  of  the  custodian  of  plants. 

Now  to  gain  a  title  in  fee  simple  to  any  of  the 
treasures  of  the  gardens  is  an  undertaking  about 
as  hopeless  as  to  gain  access  to  historical  manu- 
scripts of  the  State  Department.  The  Senator 
succeeded  in  making  but  slight  headway  into  the 
confidence  of  the  superintendent,  who  was  full 
of  excuses  that  the  herbage  was  not  in  condition 
for  moving,  that  the  season  was  wrong,  and 
various  other  things. 

A  few  days  afterwards  in  the  Senate  chamber 
Mr.  Call  hooked  his  finger  into  the  lapel  button- 


ot  Bmtrlcan  statesmen 

hole   ot"  Mr.    Hoar,  whu    is  a    man  of   k. 
tastes. 

"Look   here,"  he   asked,  "hoi  get 

around  that  man  down  at  the  Botanii   Gai 

He  refuses  to  give  me  .some  plants  that  I  v. 

"Why,  you  must   humor  bis  I  plied 

the     Senator     from     Massachu*  I 
Scotch  poetry  to  him.      Tell  him  I 
is  your  favorite  poet.      If  you  ever  went  in! 
den  you  must  have  noticed  the  b 
men,  and  the  Scotch  books  around  c. 
He  is  wrapped   up  in  the  old  countr;. 
Robbie  Burns  to  him." 

Mr.  Call  did  it  the  next  day.  Calling  .it  the 
gardens  on  his  way  to  the  Senate,  lie  sought  out 
the  superintendent 

"They  tell  me,"  said  the  Sena1 
and  I  are  men  of  kindred  tastes,  that  I 
literary  affinity.     All  of  my  I 
Scotchmen.      Why,  I   never   could   tir- 
ing Jimmy  Burns." 

"Jamie  Hums,"  repeated  the  lent 

with    infinite   disdain.      "Jai 
noo  Jamie  Burns,  mini.      It  was  R 

The  Senator  was  not   installed  in  the    5 
man's  good 

*  #  *  *  * 

In  1882,  David  R.  Paige,  Democrat,  n 


132  TOt  ano  Ibumor 

Congress  against  Capt.  A.  S.  McClure,  Repub- 
lican, in  a  Republican  district  in  Ohio,  which 
included  the  "Iron  Wards  of  the  city  of  Cleve- 
land." A  trusted  lieutenant  of  Mr.  Paige,  the 
second  night  before  the  election,  found  a  man 
who  in  height,  form,  features,  and  voice  strongly 
resembled  Captain  McClure.  He  dressed  this 
man  to  personate  the  Captain  and  took  him 
into  the  Iron  Wards,  where  many  of  the  men 
were  frequenters  of  saloons.  A  man,  known 
among  the  iron  workers,  was  hired  to  introduce 
this  counterfeit  in  the  saloons  as  Captain  Mc- 
Clure. At  each  place  visited,  the  simulator, 
after  being  introduced  as  Captain  McClure, 
asked  in  spread-eagle  style  the  voters  present  to 
vote  for  him,  made  some  fulsome  promises, 
walked  up  to  the  bar  and  called  for  two  glasses 
of  beer,  which  he  and  the  master  of  ceremonies 
drank.  Not  a  voter  present  was  treated  to  a 
drop.  The  howls  of  derision  and  indignation 
which  went  up  from  each  saloon  after  the  de- 
parture of  the  pretender  and  his  guide  can  be 
imagined.  The  next  night  David  R.  Paige 
covered  the  same  ground,  and,  not  to  go  too 
much  into  detail,  the  contrast  was  so  great  that 
Captain  McClure  lost  enough  votes  in  Cleve- 
land to  defeat  him  by  a  very  slim  majority. 
****** 


ot  Bmertcan  statesmen  133 

Major  Maginnis,  ol  M01  tana,  bean 
blance  to  General  Corse,  the  Boston  postnu 

which  is  so  striking  that  the  Major  says  himself 
that  they  are  "as  like  as  two  twins.'1  General 
Hawley  is  one  of  the  postmaster's  friends,  and 
meeting  Maginnis  one  day  at  the  Capitol,  he 
exclaimed  : 

"  Why,  how  are  you,  Corse  ?  When  did  you 
come  in  ?  " 

The  Major  drew  himself  up  and  said  :  '•  My 
name  is  Maginnis,  General." 

General    Hawley   apologized    |  and 

later  in  the  day,  seeing  a  familiar  figure,  man  hed 
up  to  it  and  said  :    "It'sstreu  ::mis,  that 

I  took  you  for  Corse." 

"  But  I  am  General  Corse,"  was  the  reply  of 
the  hero  of  Allatoona,  who  had  just  come  to 
town  on  some  post-office  busi: 

General  Hawley  looks  several  times  before  he 
ventures  to  call  anybody  Corse  or  Maginnis 
nowadays. 


Things  have  changed  in  Washington.    T 

or  thirty   years  ago  the  colored  brother  was   no 
positive   weight  in  the  so<  ial  01  political 
His  present  Status   is   illustrated   by  an   ir.< 
that  occurred  not  l<    | 


134  mit  an&  Ibumor 

Western  man  dropped  into  the  House  of  Repre- 
sentatives to  note  what  was  going  on.  Beckon- 
ing, to  a  well-dressed  man  of  color  who  stood 
near  him,  he  said,  "Jim,  will  you  show  me  to 
the  barber's  shop?  I  want  to  get  shaved  and 
have  my  boots  blacked." 

The  "Jim"  thus  familiarly  addressed  hap- 
pened to  be  one  of  the  colored  Representatives, 
who  quietly  replied,  "  Excuse  me,  sah,  I's  not 
a  waitah,  I's  a  membah  !  " 

^c  *  ^c  *  *  ^ 

The  Hon.  Benjamin  Butterworth  is  very  good 
in  memory  of  names  and  faces,  and  an  excellent 
actor  when  he  fails  to  recall  either.  He  gener- 
ally gets  along  all  right,  but  the  other  day  he 
caught  a  tartar. 

A  fine  looking  gentleman  rushed  up  to  him 
and  grasping  his  hand  exclaimed  with  much 
warmth,  "Major  Butterworth,  I  am  glad  to  see 
you.     How  are  you,  Major?" 

Now,  when  you  can't  remember  a  man  and 
can't  speak  his  name  and  he  is  so  familiar  and 
friendly  that  you  don't  want  him  to  notice  your 
ignorance,  it  is  customary  to  endeavor  to  cover 
the  failure  to  speak  his  name  with  a  profusion  of 
greetings. 

If  you  know  him  you  will  call  him  by  name 
as  you  "  shake  "  and  say,  "  How  are  you  ?  " 


of  American  Statesmen 

Otherwise  you  will  do  as  Buttenrorth  did.   He 
said  ;    "  Why,    hello ;    how    are    j 
do?      Howd'y    do?      How    arc-    y<  >  ;  ?      Well,    I 
declare.      Howd'y  do?      When   did    | 
on  ? "' 

"I  came  on  yesterday,"  said  I 
seeming  to  appreciate  the  he 
handsome  Ohioun. 

'■  How'd  you  leave  the  DO] 
the  Major. 

**  Ohio  ?  "    said     the    gentleman,    d 
11 1  never  was  in  <  )hio." 

u  Of  course,"  replied  the  flun 

man.      "  My  head   is  BO   nil] 
matters   just    now   that     i  i    in- 

advertently.   Weill  anything  new  ?    H 
family?" 

11  My   family  ?      I    h.  . 

said  the  stranger. 

"  No,  of  course  not.      I    didn't   mean   I 
said   the    Major,   shifting    a: 
floor  was  getting  hot  and  beginnii 
perate.     "  But    how   are  all  the 
pla<  e,  anyway  ?  " 

"   I   didn't    think    you    knew   anybo 
town.     I  live  at  I. vim." 
ing  at  the  statesman 

••  <  >h.  certainly,  i  I  *now 


136  limit  ano  Ibumot 

some  boys  in  Lynn,"  feebly  murmured  the 
Major. 

"  I  saw  you  when  you  came  up  to  address  the 
Home  Market  Club  of  Boston, ' '  said  the  stranger. 

At  last  a  cue  was  given,  and  a  look  of  joyful 
relief,  recollection,  and  recognition  came  over 
the  Major's  face  like  a  sunburst. 

"  Why,  of  course.  I  knew  you  at  once,  and 
am  mighty  glad  to  meet  you  again.  I  never 
forget  a  face.  I  couldn't  think  for  a  moment 
just  where  I  saw  you  last." 

"  I  don't  think  you  ever  saw  me  before.  I 
was  in  Tremont  Temple  when  you  spoke,  and 
was  in  a  rear  seat.  I  am  sure  you  could  not 
have  seen  me,  and  that  was  the  only  time  I  ever 
saw  you." 


Senator  Piatt  of  Connecticut  is  continually 
mistaken  for  ex-Senator  Piatt  of  New  York. 

"I  suppose  if  I  stayed  in  the  Senate  for 
twenty  years  there  would  still  be  a  certain  class 
of  people  who  would  confuse  me  with  Tom 
Piatt  of  New  York,"  said  Senator  Piatt  just  be- 
fore he  left  Washington.  "  Some  time  last  ses- 
sion a  man  addressed  a  letter  to  me  asking  an 
interview.  I  replied  courteously  and  on  the  fol- 
lowing day  the  man  who  was  a  perfect  stranger 


ot  Bmerican  stateemcn 

to  me,  called  at  the  Senate-  to  sec  me.     He  pre 
sented  a  large  number  of  recomin 
citizens  of  some  county  m  New  York  urgi 
appointment  as  supei  thing,     i 

"'I  think  you  have   made  a  mistake.      I 
not  the  Senator  you  want  to 

"  'Are  you  Senator  Piatt?'  he  asked. 
plied  that  I  was  Senator  Piatt      '  Well, 
he  said,  'all  of  your  friends  want  me  . 
to  this  place.' 

"'Excuse    me,'   I    replied.      ']  think 

my  friends  care  a  continental  whet!.' 
appointed    or  not.'      He  looked  '  I 

think,' said  I  continuing.  '  tl 
for  a  namesake  of  mine  who  iras  in  I 
for  about  six  weeks  i 

"  'Aren't  you  Senator  Piatt  ?  '  I 

"  'I  am,'  said  I.     ■  1  am  Senatoi 
Connecticut.' 

"  He  seemed  very  much  pr..\  lc  I 
light  dawned  on  him.     '  Well,  who  are  001 
tors  anyhow  ?  '  he  asked." 


In  years  gone  by  there  dwelt   in  W 
John  Guy,  a  character  in  h 
with   whom  Colond  10  tell  t. 

lowing  anecdote. 


138  TOt  anD  "foumor 

Guy  kept  the  National  Hotel  in  Washington, 
and  among  his  guests  was  General  Cass,  then 
Senator  from  Michigan.  Guy  dressed  like  Cass, 
and  although  not  as  portly,  his  face,  including 
the  wart,  was  strangely  similar.  One  day  a 
Western  friend  of  the  house  came  in,  after  a 
long  ride,  dusty  and  tired,  and  walking  up  tc 
the  office,  encountered  General  Cass  who  was 
quietly  standing  there.  Mistaking  him  for  Guy, 
he  slapped  him  on  the  shoulder  and  exclaimed : 

"  Well,  old  fellow,  here  I  am.  The  last  time 
I  hung  my  hat  up  in  your  shanty  one  of  your 
clerks  sent  me  to  the  fourth  story ;  but  now  I 
have  got  hold  of  you,  I  insist  upon  a  lower 
room." 

The  General,  a  most  dignified  personage, 
taken  aback  by  this  startling  salute,  coolly  re- 
plied : 

"You  have  committed  a  mistake,  sir.  I  am 
not  Mr.  Guy,  I  am  General  Cass  of  Michigan," 
and  angrily  turned  away.  The  Western  man 
was  shocked  at  the  unconscious  outrage  he  had 
committed ;  but  before  he  had  recovered  from 
his  mortification,  General  Cass  who  had  passed 
around  the  office,  confronted  him  again,  when, 
a  second  time  mistaking  him  for  Guy,  he  faced 
him  and  said  :  "  Here  you  are  at  last.  I  have 
just  made  a  devil  of  a  mistake ;  I  met  old  Cass, 


^ 


ot  Rmerican  statesmen 

and  took  him  for  you,  and  I  am  afraid  the  Mi<  hi- 
gander  has  gone  off  mad."     What  Genera 
would    have  said    may   well  be  imagined,  if  the 
real   Guy  had   not  approached  and  rescued  the 
innocent  offender    from  the  twice-assailc: 
twice  angered  statesman. 


When  Daniel  Webster  was  Se«  retary  of  State 
he  paid  a  visit  to  England,  and  while  in  London 
the    American  Minister  took  him  to  call 
Lord    Brougham.     They    found    the   nob. 
immersed  in  business,  and  his  reception  of  the 

distinguished  American  wasexi  eedingl] 
not  to  say  indifferent.  Naturally  <>''.r  rel- 
ative was  greatly  mortified,  and  asking  We 
to  excuse  him  a  moment  he  drew  Lord  BrOUJ 
aside,  when  the  following  whispered  COD 
ensued  : 

"My    Lord,  do   you  know   who   Mr.  Webster 
js — he  isSa  retary  of  State  of  the  Unite    - 

-  Why  didn't  you  say  so?"    was  the  n 

"  I   thought   he  was  that  confounded  fellow  who 

made  the  dictionary   and   turned  the  English 

language  upside  down." 

Needless  to  say,  the  mistake  •••■ 
and  the  peer's  reception  of  the  gl 
became  all  that  could  be  desired. 


CHAPTER  IX 

"  The  Sage  of  Marsh  field  " 

The  following  characteristic  and  amusing 
anecdotes  of  Daniel  Webster  are  undeniably 
authentic  : 

Some  years  ago  Mr.  Webster  paid  a  profes- 
sional visit  to  Northampton,  Mass.,  one  of  the 
pleasantest  inland  towns  in  the  State.  His 
presence  there  was  expected ;  and,  being  the 
political  idol  of  a  large  portion  of  the  community, 
preparations  had  been  made  to  give  him  a  cor- 
dial reception  by  eminent  private  citizens.  The 
landlord,  too,  of  the  principal  inn  had  prepared 
a  very  handsome  suite  of  apartments  for  his  ex- 
press accommodation,  and  had  made  arrange- 
ments to  have  the  great  man  occupy  them. 

At  length  Mr.  Webster  arrived,  and  stopped 
at  the  hotel  in  question.  He  was  shown  to  his 
quarters,  with  which  he  expressed  himself  well 
pleased,  until  it  was  incidentally  remarked,  by 
some  friend  present,  that  "Northampton  was  a 
temperance  town,  and  that  that  was  a  temper- 
ance house." 

140 


of  Bmcrfcan  Statesmen  in 

"  Won't  you  ring  the  bell  for  the  land] 
asked  Mr.  Webster  of  a  gentleman  who 
near  the  bell-pull. 

He  rang  the  bell,  and  the  landlord  BOOB 
up. 

"Mr.    Brewster,"    said    Mr.    V. 

you   direct   me  to  Genera]  L 'a  bom 

think  I  will  take  up  my  quarters  with  him." 

The  landlord,  with  gre  pointmenl 

pressed  in  his  face  and  manner,  laid  — 

"  Why,   Mr.   Webster !    I  was  in  I 
rooms  would  meet  your  entir-  rioo,      Wt 

have  taken  great  pains  to  have  then 
ments  such  as  should  please  you." 

u  Your  rooms,  Mr.  Brewster,  u  ent  in 

every  way, — nothing  need  be  u*  ■•■ 
understand    your    tabic  is  abundantlv  lOppUed 
with  well-cooked  viands.      But,  Mr.   ! 
understand  that  your  r*  ljon 

rigid  temperance  princi]  N    r  air,  I  ai 

old  man;  my  blood  is  thin,  and  mom 
I  require  a  little  stimuli] 
old  brandy.  Mr.  Brewster  5 

"  I    have    some    - 
Massa  husetts,  I  think,"  answered  the 

••  Well,  Mr.  Biewster,   have-  the  i 
bring   me   up  a  bottle  and  place  it  on  the  little 
stand  behind  that  door." 


142  lUtt  ano  Dumot 

Mr.  Brewster  departed,  and  soon  came  back 
with  the  desiderated  fluid,  which  he  deposited  as 
directed. 

"Mr.  Brewster,"  continued  Mr.  Webster, 
"  have  you  any  fine  old  Madeira?  " 

' '  Yes,  Mr.  Webster,  of  the  oldest  and  best 
vintage." 

' '  Do  you  know  how  to  ice  it  properly,  so 
that  it  shall  be  only  just  gratefully  cool  ?  " 

The  landlord  answered  in  the  affirmative,  and 
went  down  to  the  cellar  for  the  bottle.  When 
he  came  back,  he  placed  it  beside  the  other 
bottle  in  a  graduated  cooler,  and  was  about  to 
retire  when  Mr.  Webster  said  — 

"You  need  be  under  no  apprehension,  Mr. 
Brewster,  that  this  infraction  of  the  temperance 
law  of  your  town  will  be  discovered.  I  must 
needs  honor  law,  being  one  of  its  humble  minis- 
ters, and  would  not  exhibit  even  a  justifiable 
evasion  of  its  commands.  No,  Mr.  Brewster, 
you  leave  those  bottles  there,  where  they  will  be 
unobserved,  and  in  a  short  time  I  will  put  them 
where  no  human  eye  can  see  them." 


John  Trout,  of  Sandwich,  was  the  well-known 
sobriquet  of  the  fisherman  who  attended  ama- 
teur anglers  on  their  excursions.     John  was  not 


of  Hmerican  Statesmen 

remarkable  for    his    veracity;    quite 
when  the  success  of  his  hook  and  Lii  ■ 

subject  of  his  story. 

One  day  he  was   "out"   with  Mr. 
Both   were  standing   in  the  brook  waitu  . 

tiently  for  a  bite,  when  Mr.  Webster  told  John 
in  what  manner  he  had  caught  a  very  large 
trout  on  a  former  occasion. 

"Your   Honor,"  said  John,   "that 
well   for  a  gentleman;   but   on<  e,    when    I 
standing  by  that  bush  yonder,  I  took  a  fish  that 
weighed  two  pounds." 

"Ah,   John,   John!''     interrupted  Mr.  V 
ster,  "you  are  an  amphibious  animal;  > 
in  the  water,  and  you  lie  out  of  it." 


Webster  was   once   delivering   an  I 
Faneuil  Hall  on  the  ne< 
ertion  and  unflinching  patriotic 
dangers  that  threatened  the  j*)litical  \ 
principles    he    espoused,    when   he  j  I 
terrible   sway   of   the  | 
quent  on  the  rush  of  th< 
and  noted  that  dai 
stopped  short  in  the  middl< 
vanced   to   the  I    the  plati 

his  arms  in  an  authoritative  attil 


144  TMt  ano  Ibumor 

stentorian  voice,  cried  out :  "  Let  each  man 
stand  firm."  The  effect  was  instantaneous. 
Each  man  stood  firm ;  the  great  heaving  mass 
of  humanity  regained  its  equilibrium  and,  save 
the  long  breath  of  relief  that  filled  the  air,  per- 
fect stillness  ensued.  "That,"  exclaimed  the 
great  orator,  "  is  what  we  call  self-government !  " 
— so  apt  an  illustration  of  the  principle  he  was 
expounding  that  the  vast  audience  responded 
with  deafening  cheers. 

Mr.  Webster  had  accepted  the  office  of  Secre- 
tary of  State,  but  did  not  meet  the  new  Presi- 
dent in  Washington  until  eight  or  ten  days  be- 
fore the  inauguration. 

It  seems  that  he  had  prepared  an  inaugural 
address  for  General  Harrison.  One  day,  among 
other  arrangements,  he  suggested  to  the  new 
President,  in  as  delicate  a  way  as  he  could,  the 
fact  that  he  had  sketched  an  inaugural,  know- 
ing that  General  Harrison  would  be  over- 
whelmed with  calls  and  business  after  his  elec- 
tion, and  he  himself  having  leisure  to  write. 
The  General  at  once  replied  that  it  was  not 
necessary ;  that  he  had  prepared  his  own  inau- 
gural. 

"Oh,  yes,"  said  he;  "I  have  got  all  that 
ready. ' ' 


of  Bmerfcan  Statcmcn 

"Will    you    allow    n. 
read  it  to-niglu?"  asked  Mr. 

'•Certainly,"  the  President  replied,  •■ 
please  let  me  take  j 

So  they  exchanged  their  documents;  a:.  I 
next  morning,  when  they  met,  (icneral  1: 
son  said  to  Mr.  Webster  : 

"If  I   should   read    vour  inaug 
mine,  everybody  would  know  that  you   wrote  it, 
and  that  I  did  not.      Now,  this  is  the  only  <  : 
paper  which   I    propose  to  write,  t       I 
tend   to   interfere   with   my 

is  a  sort  of  acknowledgment  on  my  ; 
American  people  of  the  great  In 

conferred   upon   me  in  elevating  I 

otii«  e  ;    and  although  ot 

able  as  yours,  still   it  is  mi:. 

let   the  people  have  it 

I  must  deliver  my  own  instC  as." 

Mr.  Webster  deal    annoyed    lo- 

calise the  mes 
ment  and  taste,  so  inappropriate. 

largely   into    Roman    nil 
deal  to  say  about  the 
Roman  Proconsuls,  and  van 

kind.     Indeed,  the 
peated  in  it  a  great  many  tin 
When  he    found  that    tin- 


146  tuatt  ano  Ibumor 

upon  using  his  own  inaugural,  Mr.  Webster  said 
that  his  desire  was  to  modify  it,  and  to  get  in 
some  things  that  were  not  there  and  get  out 
some  things  that  were  there  ;  for,  as  it  then  stood, 
he  said  it  had  no  more  to  do  with  the  affairs  of 
the  American  Government  and  people  than  a 
chapter  of  the  Koran.  Mr.  Webster  suggested 
to  General  Harrison  that  he  should  like  to  put 
in  some  things,  and  General  Harrison  rather 
reluctantly  consented  to  let  him  take  it.  Mr. 
WTebster  spent  a  portion  of  the  next  day  in  mod- 
ifying the  inaugural.  Mrs.  Seaton  remarked  to 
him,  when  he  came  home  rather  late  that  day, 
that  he  looked  fatigued  and  worried ;  but  he  re- 
plied that  he  was  sorry  that  she  had  waited 
dinner  for  him. 

"  That  is  of  no  consequence  at  all,  Mr.  Web- 
ster," she  said;  "but  I  am  sorry  to  see  you 
look  so  worried  and  tired.  I  hope  nothing  has 
gone  wrong.  I  really  hope  nothing  has  hap- 
pened." 

"  You  would  think  that  something  had  hap- 
pened," he  replied,  "  if  you  knew  what  I  have 
done.  I  have  killed  seventeen  Roman  Procon- 
suls as  dead  as  smelts  every  one  of  them." 


CHAPTER  X 
11  Way  Ddam  South" 
The  late  Sen     n  \  an 

— or  at  lea.^t,  everybody  who  knew  him  {*■: 
ally,  was  very  fond  of  telling  stories.  i' 
were  to  visit  his  native 

hear  him  referred  to  as  Senator — to  r 

who     knew    and    loved   him,  and    even    to    his 

enemies  he  was  known  as  Zcb  Vance       1 

everybody  he  ever  rame  in  < 

refer    to    him  as  Zeb.      His  frie: 

s<  ores  of  stories  told   him   by  the  vetei 

lator.     One  which   was  a  prime  favorite  with 
him  ran  in  this  way  : 

Asheville,  which  i^   now  the  no 
city  in   Western   North  Carolina,  was    ' 

small   pla<  • 

the   path   o\    travel,    ami    the   only    man    in    the 

vicinity  who  could  read  was  .1 

name  of  Brown.      When   a   ] 

lished   there.    Brown    was   naturally   i 

master.     1 1 
of  a  sinecure, 

1;: 


148  1UW  anfc  Ibumor 

Brown  had  a  little  general  store,  which  was  a 
favorite  lounging  place  for  all  the  men  in  the 
vicinity.  On  a  winter  day,  when  a  crowd  was 
gathered  in  the  store,  some  one  suggested  that 
they  should  subscribe  for  a  weekly  paper  in 
common,  so  as  to  be  able  to  keep  up  with  what 
was  going  on  in  the  outer  world.  This  was 
done,  and  the  men  assembled  in  the  store 
weekly  to  hear  Brown  read  the  news. 

Brown  was  very  conscientious.  He  began  at 
the  top  of  the  first  column  of  the  first  page  and 
read  straight  down  through  the  advertisements 
and  all,  just  as  he  came  to  them.  This  was  a 
slow  process  and  several  lengthy  sittings  were 
necessary  to  complete  one  issue  of  the  paper. 
When  the  spring  came  and  the  men  were  kept 
busy  with  their  farm  work  they  found  that  they 
couldn't  spare  more  than  a  day  or  two  out  of  a 
week  for  the  readings. 

Brown  found  that  he  was  falling  behind  at 
this  rate,  and  when  the  men  began  to  stay  away 
except  when  rain  prevented  their  doing  outdoor 
work,  the  papers  accumulated  on  his  hands. 
He  adopted  a  plan  of  reading  the  papers  in 
order,  forming  a  stack  of  sheaving,  the  latest 
issue  underneath,  and  taking  them  off  the  top 
one  by  one  as  he  came  to  them,  and  his  auditors 
were  none  the  wiser.     The  stack  kept  growing 


of  Bmcncan  Statesmen  if 

upon  him,  in  spite  of  his  b« 

the  Mexican  war  broke  out  there 

ble  pile  to  attend  to.     Since  the  oeighb  i 

depended  altogether  upon  the  ft 

ings   for   its   news,    it    happened    that    no 

heard  anything   about    the  outbreak  of  tl 

until    some    months    after   peace   bad  been   de- 
clared. 

The  paper  containing   the   first    DC 
fighting  was  listened  to  with 
citement,  and  when   battle  after  battk 
about,    the    excitement     be<  d'.nc     intC 
neighbors  felt  that  there  was  but  one  thi 
them  to  do  as  patriotic  Americans  and  the] 
it.     A  military  company  comprifl 
of  fighting  age  within   the  radius  of   I 
Brown  was  organized.     The   men  \\< 
with   flintlock   rifles  and  dressed   in 
They   marched  as   far  as  Salisbury  bl 
were  informed  of  the  real  state  of  thinj 
war  had  been  over  a  year.      Ti.< 
back  to  Asheville,  and  Brow:, 
the  town  when    the    brave   soldi*  I 
they  had  been  duped. 

A  good  story  is  toM 

ferring  to  a  time  when  h< 
canvas    for   votes   in   a   ba<  k  ■•■ 


150  lait  anD  Dumor 

where  he  was  entirely  unacquainted.  An  an- 
nouncement that  he  would  speak  at  a  crossroads 
settlement,  consisting  of  a  grocery  store  and  one 
house,  brought  out  about  sixty  men  of  voting 
age  whom  he  found  waiting  for  him  when  he 
rode  up.  He  dismounted,  hitched  his  horse, 
and  began  to  crack  jokes  in  the  regulation 
backwoods  style. 

He  nattered  himself  that  he  was  making  a 
rather  favorable  impression,  but  noticed  that  one 
old  man  with  brass-bowed  spectacles  and  an  air 
of  deep  thought  sat  upon  an  empty  box  and 
drew  marks  in  the  sand  with  a  stick,  as  if 
Vance  were  not  worthy  of  any  particular  atten- 
tion. As  Vance  expressed  it,  he  thought  that 
this  old  man  was  the  bell  wether  of  the  flock, 
and  he  accordingly  prepared  to  capture  him. 
He  sidled  up  to  the  old  man,  who  leaned  for- 
ward on  his  stick  and  asked  solemnly : 

"  This  is  Mr.  Vance,  I  believe  ?  " 

"Yes,  sir,"  replied  Vance. 

"  And  you've  come  here  to  see  my  boys  about 
voting  ?  ' ' 

"Yes,  sir." 

"Well,  afore  you  go  on  I  want  to  ax  you  a 
question  or  two.  What  church  do  you  belong 
to?" 

Vance  said  that  this  question  was  a  poser,  as 


of  American  Statesmen  i.m 

he  didn't  really  belong  to  an)  church.     I 

was  very  important  lor  him  to  win  ti.< 
he   decided    to    make   a   bluff    M   he   kne.. 
factional   feeling  ran   high   m    the  He 

sqnared  himself  and  .said  >lowly  :      ••  Well,  my 
friend,  it's  a  fair  question,  and  I'll  tell   \ 
about  it.      You  see   my  grandfather  <  am- 
Scotland,  and  of  course  he  \\ , 

He  paused  to  note  the  .  man 

made  no  sign.     "But  my  grandmol 
from  England,  and  the- 
the    Episcopal    Church."      1' 
but  the  old  man  kept  his  eyes  00  tin-  . 

"My  father  was    born    in    this  and 

grew  up  as  a  Methodist."     Still  then 
sign  of  approval  from  the  old  man. 

Vance  began  to  feel  uncomfortable, 
one  last  effort.     "  Hut  my  m< 
and   it's   my  opinion   that   a  ma: 
under  water  to  get  to  heaven." 

The  old  man  got  up  and  took  \ 
"You're  all  right,"  lie  said  ami  tun.: 
crowd  went   on:      "Boya  he'll  i\o.      I   I 
he  looked  like  a   Baptist"      The 
mountain  dew  was 

ceived  the  unanimous  vote  of  the  neighborhood 
when  election  time  came  around. 


152  Wiit  anD  Ibumor 

Vance  once  stumped  the  State  in  joint  debate 
with  Judge  Settle,  the  Republican  candidate  for 
the  Governorship.  All  the  white  Democrats 
turned  out  to  hear  Vance,  and  the  colored  Re- 
publicans came  to  hear  Settle.  At  the  con- 
clusion of  the  speaking  one  day,  Vance  was  told 
that  a  number  of  young  women  had  expressed  a 
desire  to  kiss  the  Democratic  candidate. 

He  stepped  down  from  the  platform  and 
kissed  a  dozen  or  so  of  the  pretty  young  women, 
when  he  stopped  long  enough  to  turn  around  to 
his  competitor  and  shout :  "I'm  kissing  my 
girls,  Settle  ;  now  you  kiss  yours. ' ' 


J 


"  Out  in  my  state,"  says  a  Missouri  Congress- 
man, "  we  used  to  have  a  Governor  by  the  name 
of  Stewart.  This  was  way  back  when  I  was  a 
boy.  They  tell  how  Stewart,  among  others, 
was  once  entertaining  the  Prince  of  Wales,  on 
\he  occasion  many  years  ago  when  he  visited 
this  country.  They  gave  a  great  ball  in  St. 
Louis  in  the  Prince's  honor.  Stewart  came 
down  from  Jefferson  City  to  do  credit  to  it.  He 
and  the  Prince  were  stationed  on  a  little  plat- 
form raised  for  them  at  one  side  of  the  hall. 
So  stationed  the  beauty  and  brilliancy,  and  the 
blue  blood  of  St.  Louis  swept  by  them  in  daz- 


01  Bmerican  Statesmen 

zling  review.      The  spectacle 

feelings  several   notches.      His    bosom    BW< 

Finally  in  a  tremendous  impulse  born 

and  glory,  he  administered  a  mighty  slap  tu  the 
royal  back,  and  exclaimed  : 

M  Prince,  don't   you  wish   you  were  I 
of  Missouri  ?  " 


Senator  Blackburn  is  a  thorough  K' 
and   has  all   the  local  pride  of  one  bom  in  the 
blue-grass  section  of  his  State.      1  It- 
prejudice  against   being  taken   for  an  Indi 
which  seems    inherent    in   all    native  i 
tuckians.     While  coming   to 
sessions  ago,  he  was  approached  in  the  Pullman 
coach  by  a   New  Yorker,  who,  after  bow;- 
litely  to  him,  said  : 

u  Is  not  this  Senator  Blackburn  of  India- 

The   Kentuckian  sprang  from  his 
glaring  at  his  interlocutor  ezclaime 

"  No,  sir,  by .      The  H 

is  I  have  been  si<  k 


"  In  anti-bellum  d  poli- 

tician, u  it    used    to  be  the  fashid 
ical   aspirants   for   the  same  offii  e  tO  5t 
district   together,  each  one  <: 


154  "CCM  ano  Ibumor 

the  popular  vote.  I  remember  on  one  occasion 
the  rival  candidates  in  an  Alabama  district  were 
men  of  about  equal  natural  ability,  but  the  edu- 
cational advantages  of  Mr.  B.  had  been  very- 
much  better  than  those  of  Mr.  C.  On  the  day 
of  which  I  am  speaking  Mr.  B.  had  embellished 
his  speech  with  sundry  classical  allusions. 
Among  others  he  spoke  of  the  devotion  of  Cur- 
tius  to  his  country.  Mr.  C,  who  was  one  of 
the  most  eager  listeners,  whispered  to  a  friend, 
1  Who  is  this  fellow  Curtis  that  he's  talking 
about  ?  '  'If  you  had  read  your  Roman  history, ' 
was  the  reply,  '  you  would  know  that  Curtius 
threw  himself  into  the  gulf  in  the  forum  for  the 
safety  of  Rome.'  Mr.  C.  was  not  a  classical 
scholar,  but  he  had  wit  enough  to  make  good 
use  of  a  hint.  When  in  his  speech  the  time 
came  to  make  a  telling  thrust,  he  exclaimed, 
*  My  friend  speaks  of  Curtius ;  he  threw  himself 
into  a  gulf  to  save  his  country,  but  here  is  a  man 
who  would  throw  his  country  into  the  gulf  to 
save  himself! '  " 


Some  years  ago,  when  the  Greenback  party 
held  at  least  some  strength  in  the  West  and 
South,  one  of  their  orators  delivered  an  address 
for  his  party  at  Winfield,  Putnam  County,  Vir- 


of  Bmerican  Statesmen  i.v» 

ginia.     When  in  the  zenith  <>f  his  - 

was  stopped   by   a   powerful    voii  g    the 

listeners. 

"  Look  here,  sah.      May  I  ask  you  a  question, 
sah?" 

"  Yes,  sah;   you  may,  sah." 

"Well,  sah,  I  want  to  know,  sah,  [fyo 
not  the  man,  sah,  that   I   had  down  har  in  jail, 
sah,  for  hog-stealing,  sah  ?  " 

11  Yes,    sah,    1   am,  sah,"  came  the  :• 
"but  I  got  clar,  sah." 

****** 

In  sunshine  and  storm  the  sense  of  humor  of 
Senator  Vest  lias  always  been  one  of  hi>  excelling 
qualities.  As  a  candidate  before  the  people  his 
speeches  brimmed  with  quaint  story  and  all 
In  Wayne  County,  Missouri,  in  the  early  - 
ties,  when  Vest  was  a  candidate  in  opposition 
to  a  wealthy  citizen,  he  summed  up  his  claim  m 
a  few  words  in  one  of  his  brilliant  spe©  he*. 

"The  gentleman  who  opposes  me," 
"is  a  man  of  wealth  and  position.      I  am  0) 
poor  ragged  ex-Confederate  soldier. 
your  support." 

**.■•.** 

One  afternoon  driving  along  a  Washii 

street,  he  compared  his  State  of  health  to  that  of 
a  certain  ancient  nc 


156  mit  ano  toumor 

"See  here,  Sam,"  asked  the  negro's  friend, 
"  what's  the  matter  with  you  ?  " 

"Don't  know,  boss,"  said  the  old  darky, 
"but  I  think  dat  I  am  a-sufferin'  wif  anno 
domino." 


A  good  story  is  told  on  the  late  Senator  Vance. 
He  was  traveling  down  in  North  Carolina,  when 
he  met  an  old  darky  one  Sunday  morning.  He 
had  known  the  old  man  for  many  years,  so  he 
took  the  liberty  of  inquiring  where  he  was 
going. 

"I  am,  sah,  pedestrianin'  my  appointed  way 
to  de  tabernacle  of  de  Lord." 

"  Are  you  an  Episcopalian  ?  "  inquired  Vance. 

"No,  sah,  I  can't  say  dat' I  am  an  Epispo- 
kapillian." 

"  Maybe  you  are  a  Baptist  ?  " 

"  No,  sah,  I  can't  say  dat  I's  ever  been  buried 
wid  de  Lord  in  de  waters  of  baptism." 

"  Oh,  I  see  you  are   a  Methodist." 

"  No,  sah,  I  can't  say  dat  I's  one  of  does  who 
hold  to  argyments  of  de  faith  of  de  Medodists." 

"What  are  you,  then,  uncle?" 

"I's  a  Presbyterian,  Marse  Zeb,  just  de  same 
as  you  is." 

"Oh  nonsense,  uncle,  you  don't  mean  to  say 


ot  American  Statesmen  I  n 

that  you  subscribe  to  all  the  articles  of  the  . 

byterian  faith?  " 

"'Deed  I  do,  sah." 

"Do  you  believe  in   the  doctrine  uf  election 
to  be  saved  ?  ' ' 

"  Yes,  sah,  I  b'lieve  in  the  doctrine  of   lection 
most  firmly  and  un'quivactin'ly." 

"Well  then  tell  me,  do  you  believe  that  I  am 
elected  to  be  saved  ?  ' ' 

The    old    darky    hesitated.     There    was    un- 
doubtedly a   terrific    struggle  going   OQ    ID   his 
mind  between  his  veracity  and  his  desire  to  l>e 
polite  to  the  Senator.     Finally  he  comproo 
by  saying  : 

"  Well,  I'll    tell   you    how   it   i 
You    see   I's   never   heard   of    anybody    l>cm' 
'lected  to  anything  for  what  they  wa- 
didate.     Has  you,  sah  ?  " 


Among  the  amusing  discus  I  CT« 

tain  Legislative  session  at  Tallall  thai 

on  a  bill  of  Sullivan's,  of  Escambia, 
for   the   prompt   slaughter  of  rabid  d 
Reading  Clerk   had  jusl    read   the  title  wo 
colored  man,  a  representative  i    tf  the 

interior  counties,  arose,  and  wit!, 
and  dignity  said  : 


158  1Utt  ano  Dumor 

''Mr.  Speaker,  I  am  opposed  to  that  bill.  I 
am  opposed  to  it  because  I  don't  see  why  rabbit 
dogs  should  be  killed  any  quicker  than  any 
other  kind  of  dogs.  I've  got  a  rabbit  dog.  He 
ain't  much  on  looks,  but  I  tell  you  there  ain't  a 
dog  in  the  county  can  beat  him." 


Immediately  after  the  war,  when  the  accession 
of  negro  recruits  was  considered  an  important 
feature  by  the  Democratic  party  in  the  South, 
great  results  were  looked  for  in  Louisiana  from 
the  conversion  of  a  smart  young  mulatto,  who 
was  expected  to  sway  by  his  superior  informa- 
tion and  loquacity  the  rank  and  file  of  the  darker 
brethren. 

In  his  first  stump  speech  at  a  political  meet- 
ing he  touched  upon  the  question  which  was 
then  agitating  the  North,  as  to  the  eligibility  of 
the  Confederate  brigadier-generals  for  Congress. 

"Now,  my  friends,"  he  said,  "de  question 
is  dis  :  is  it  de  Christian  way  not  to  forgive  dese 
generals  what  fought  according  ter  dere  princi- 
puls  ?  A  political  party  hez  got  ter  be  run  by 
de  same  high  principuls  ez  eny  other  business. 
Dese  here  'Publicans  pretends  ter  be  Christians. 
All  I  ax  is  do  they  ac'  dat  part  in  de  questions 
ob  forgiveness  ?     Say,  fur  de  sake  ob  de  argu- 


of  Bmerfcan  statesmen 

ment,    dat    dey  hez    done   wrong  ;    didn't   de 
Prodigal  Son   do  de  same?     An'  what  did  his 
fader  do?     Dat  young  man  had  been  in  de  bar- 
rooms,  feeding   in   de   pigpen   among  de  husks 
an'   swine,  yet   de  fader  welcome  him  ba< 
his  arms.     Dat's  jest  what  de  'Publican  party 
an'    de   big  fader  up  at  de  White  House  - 
ter  do — welcome   dem  back  with  open  a: 
de  buzzom  ob  de  Union,  and  kill  fur  dem  de- 
fatted  calf.      Dat's  what  dey  ought  ter  di 
friends.     Dey  calls  demselves  Christians  ;    let 
dem  a'quit  demselves  under  dat  prediction." 


CHAPTER  XI 

Benton  and  Douglas  and  Their  Colleagues 

Thomas  H.  Benton  had  a  way  of  telling  a 
story  that  the  wits  of  to-day  might  be  proud  of, 
if  they  could  beg  or  borrow  it.  Reading  some 
of  his  recent  stump  speeches,  interspersed  with 
frequent  piquant  passages  of  humor,  we  were 
reminded  of  a  sudden  explosion  of  his  maga- 
zine of  ridicule,  when,  in  the  year  1841,  the 
famous  John  Tyler  Bank  Bill  was  introduced 
into  the  United  States  Senate,  with  the  pro- 
tracted title  of  "An  Act  to  provide  for  the  bet- 
ter collection,  safe-keeping,  and  disbursement 
of  the  public  revenue,  by  means  of  a  corpora- 
tion to  be  styled  the  Fiscal  Corporation  of  the 
United  States." 

Instantly  on  the  title  being  read,  Mr.  Benton 
exclaimed, — 

' '  Heavens,  what  a  name  !  long  as  the  moral 
law.  The  people  will  never  stand  it.  They 
cannot  go  through  all  that.  Corporosity  !  that 
would  be  a  great  abridgment ;  but  still  it  is  too 
long.  It  is  five  syllables ;  and  people  will  not 
160 


ot  Bmertcan  Statesmen 

go  above  two  syllables,  or  • 

they  often  hang  at  one.      I  . 

The  people  will  have  them,  though  they  sjkjiI  a 

good  long  one  to  make 

was  a  most  beautiful  y 

leans  some  years  ago,  as  there  always  bai 

and    still    are    many  such.      She  I 

that   is  to  say,  l>orn   in  this  country  i  I 

from  Europe.     A  gentleman,  w\  ding 

a   splendid  steamboat,  took   it   into  hi 

honor  this  beautiful   young   . 

her  name  with  his  \ 

it,  in  golden  letters  the  captivatii 

of  La  Belle  Creole-.     The  vt 

and  the  name  was  beautiful,  and   the  I  dy  was 

beautiful ;  but  all  the  beaut] 

save  the  name  from  the  catastrophe  tO  whl 
long   titles  are  subjected.      At    firs!    • 
her  the  ■  bell,' — not    the 
signifies  4  fine  '  or  *  beautiful ' ; 

English    'bell,'    defined    in     S 
tinkling    cymbal.      This    wai 

worse  was  coming.     It  bo  happens  tfc  u  tl 

nacular  pronunciation   I  I 

tueky  waters  i-  'ere-nwi ' ;  so  they     - 

there   to  rail   this   beautiful 

But    things  did    not   stop  ti  • 

travagant    to   em  pi'  one 


162  lUtt  ano  Dumor 

would  answer  as  well,  and  be  so  much  more 
economical ;  so  the  first  half  of  the  name  was 
dropped,  and  the  last  retained  ;  and  thus  La 
Belle  Creole — the  beautiful  Creole — sailed  up 
and  down  the  Mississippi  all  her  life  by  the 
name,  style,  title,  and  description  of  The  Owl" 

Roars  of  laughter  in  the  Senate  followed  this 
story,  and  on  went  Benton  with  two  or  three 
more  ;  but  we  will  repeat  but  one  of  them, — the 
last,  and  with  which  he  concluded  his  remarks. 

<(I  do  not  pretend  to  impose  a  name  upon 
this  bantling ;  that  is  a  privilege  of  paternity  or 
of  sponsorship,  and  I  stand  in  neither  relation- 
ship to  this  babe.  But  a  name  of  brevity — of 
brevity  and  significance — it  must  have ;  and  if 
the  fathers  and  sponsors  do  not  bestow  it,  the 
people  will,  for  a  long  name  is  abhorred  and 
eschewed  in  all  countries.  Remember  the  fate 
of  John  Barebone,  the  canting  hypocrite  in 
Cromwell's  time.  He  had  a  very  good  name, 
John  Barebone  ;  but  the  knave  composed  a  long 
verse,  like  Scripture,  to  sanctify  himself  with  it, 
and  entitled  himself  thus :  '  Praise  God  Bare- 
bone ;  for  if  Christ  had  not  died  for  you,  you 
would  be  damned  Barebone.'  Now  this  was 
very  sanctimonious,  but  it  was  too  long, — too 
much  of  a  good  thing ;  and  so  the  people  cut  it 
all  off  but  the  last  two  words,  and  called  the 


ot  Bmetican  Statesmen 

fellow  *  Damned   Barebone,'  and  nothing 

all  his  life  after.      So  let  this< 

it  may  get  itself  damned  before  it  ifl 

us,  and  Tyler,  too." 


In  the  autumn  of  1870  I  was  in  St.  1 
says  Oliver  Dyer,  and  embraced  theoppor 
to  talk  with   some  of  Benton's   -  ,';x)r.s. 

They  were  ready  enough  to  talk  about  bio  . 
I  heard  a  few  anecdotes  that  we: 
istic  of  him,  that  I  seemed  to  hear  his 
see  his  imperious  bearing  in  them.      V 
before,  when  the  C/ar   Ni«  : 
conspicuous  personage  : 
telling  how  strangers  knelt  in  his  ; 
finishing    the    narrative    the 
Benton : 

"I    suppose,    Colonel,    that    you    « 
think   of  kneeling   to  the  <  1  which  he 

responded,   with    his    most    imperial   v. 
"No,  sir!    No,  sir  I     An  Amerio 
to  God  and  woman, 

***** 

In    1856  Benton  was  rum. 
Missouri  (he  left  tl  1 
opponent  named  Ti 
the  State,  and  on   1 


164  Ulit  and  tmmor 

stepped  forward  to  speak,  he  began  by  saying, 
in  a  meditative  style  : 

"T-r-u-s-t-en  Polk!  T-r-u-s-t-en  Polk!  A 
man  that  nobody  trusts  ;  a  knave  in  politics  and 
a  hyprocrite  in  religion." 


A  few  years  before,  Benton  was  running  for 
Congress  in  Missouri.  He  and  his  rival  met 
several  times  in  public  debate  before  their  con- 
stituents. On  one  occasion  his  opponent  in- 
dulged in  some  severe  remarks  upon  Benton's 
integrity,  or  rather  lack  of  integrity,  and  in- 
sinuated charges  of  a  defamatory  character. 
Benton  arose,  walked  up  to  him,  and  after  look- 
ing him  fiercely  in  the  eye  for  a  moment,  shook 
his  fist  in  his  face,  and  shouted  : 

"  You  lie,  sir  !  You  lie,  sir  !  I  cram  the  lie 
down  your  throat,  sir  !  " 


In  1S15  Benton  went  to  Missouri,  then  a  Ter- 
ritory, inhabited  by  a  fierce  population,  where 
his  fights  continued,  with  the  usual  result.  What 
the  result  was  may  be  inferred  from  a  declara- 
tion he  made  in  the  Senate,  after  a  Senator  had 
referred  to  what  he  called  "a  quarrel  "  of  Ben- 
ton's.     "Mr.    President,    sir,"    said    the   great 


ox  Rmerican  Statesmen 

Missourian  sternly,  "the  Senatoi  is  mis'. 
sir.     I  never  quarrel,  sir  j  but  I  sometime 

and  whenever  I  fight,  sir,  a  funeral  fall) 


A  short  time  after  Calhoun's  deaf:, 
said  to  Benton,  "I  suppose,  Colonel,  j 
pursue  Calhoun  beyond  the  grave?"  to  which 
he  replied : 

"No,    sir!     When    Cod    Almighty 
hand  upon  a  man,  sir,  I  take  mi:  • 


After  completing  his  thirty  years  m  the  Senate, 
or  six  lustrums,  as  it  was  the  classical 
the  press  to  call  it  then,  BentOO  m 
Missouri  in  consequence  of  his  p  •;  the 

slavery    question    in   general,   and    the    Kl 
Nebraska  bill  in  particular.     Then  the peO] 
his  district  sent  him  to  the  House  of  R 
atives  fur  a  term.      He  W2S 
trifles  when  he  chose  to  think  them 
Among  the  gnats  at  which  hi 
strained  was  the  opinion   that   the 
March,  and  consequently  the  I 

ended    at   midnight    of    I 

noon  on  the  fourth,  a-  unbroken  U 

it.     So  on  the  last  morning  the  old  j 


166  vait  anD  Ibumot 

made  himself  about  as  pleasantly  sympathetic  as 
the  trick  mule  of  anecdote  or  the  bull-in-the- 
china-shop  of  tradition.  To  prove  that  Congress 
had  ceased  to  exist,  that  consequently  the  House 
of  Representatives  could  not  possibly  be  in 
session,  he  sat  with  his  hat  on,  talked  loudly, 
romped  about  the  floor,  and  finally  refused  to 
vote  or  answer  to  his  name  when  the  roll  was 
called.  At  last  the  Speaker,  the  Hon.  James  L. 
Orr,  of  South  Carolina,  picked  him  up,  and  put 
an  end  to  these  legislative  larks.  "  No,  sir ;  no, 
sir;  no,  sir,"  shouted  the  venerable  Missourian, 
"  I  will  not  vote.  I  have  no  right  to  vote. 
This  is  no  House,  and  I  am  not  a  member  of  it." 
"  Then,  sir,"  said  Speaker  Orr,  like  a  flash,  with 
his  sweetest  manner,  "if  the  gentleman  is  not  a 
member  of  this  House,  the  Sergeant-at-Arms 
will  please  put  him  out."  And  so  this  vast  con- 
stitutional question  settled  itself. 


When  Lord  Elgin  came  to  this  country  to 
negotiate  the  reciprocity  treaty  between  the 
United  States  and  Canada,  a  breakfast  was  given 
in  Washington  by  the  Consul-General  of  British 
North  America.  Among  those  present  were 
Lord  Elgin,  his  Secretary  Laurence  Oliphant, 
Thomas  H.  Benton,  Caleb  Cushing,  Colonel  Fre- 


ot  American  Statesmen  169 

mont,  Gen.  Isaac  I.  Stevens,  who  iraa  .'.::• 

killed   in  the  battle  of  Chantillv  ;   Col.  William 
W.  Snow,  member  of  Congress  from  N<  i    i 

Edwin  Forrest,  and  quite  a  Dumber  o(  othi 

After   the  guests   bad   been    unite.  1    tin- 
came  to  the  old  lawyer  white  with  COO 
He  had  invited  Genera]  Cushinji 
Benton,    and    had   just    learned    that    I 
deadly  enemies.     He   feared  some  outbreak  if 
they  met.      He  asked  what   he  should  do.      The 
old  lawyer  told  him  that  he  would  M 
him.      He  visited  Colonel  Denton  and 

"Colonel,  you  and  Cushing  have  I 
invited  to  breakfast  with  Lord  Elgin.       I  be  host 
has  just  learned  of  the  unpleasant  relatio: 
isting  between  you.     There  is  some  feai  thai  it 
might  not  be  pleasant  for  you  to  i  .  I*\c 

come  here  to  let  you  know  beforehai 
you  may  avoid  the  meeting  if  J 

"  You  go  and  tell  the  host,  sir,  that 
are  my  associates  for  the  time  being,"  1 
replied.     "  I  shall  treat  Gener  I  I 
guest  entertained   by  a  mutual   fi 
I've  no  doubt  he  will  treat  n 
ner.     I  assure  you  there  will  be 
as  I  am  concerned,  sir.  and  I  have  no 
there  will  be  any  disturbance  on  hifl  | 

They  met   at   the   breakfast   table      I 


168  TUait  ano  Ibumor 

Benton  addressed  General  Cushing,  tipped  his 
glass  to  him  and  said:  "General  Cushing,  a 
glass  of  wine  with  you,  if  you  please." 

They  both  drank,  but  the  entente  eordiale  did 
not  continue  after  they  left  the  breakfast  table. 
On  the  next  day  they  were  enemies,  and  they 
remained  so  as  long  as  they  lived. 


CHAPTER  XII 
Lobby  and  Cloah-Room  Yams 

The  cloak-rooms  and   lol  pitol 

are   very  often   scenes  of  relaxation  among  our 
legislators;   there  the  rancor>  of  debate  and  the 
bitterness  of  personal  feeling  are  laid 
all  animosities  are  forgotten   in  the   inten 
of  story  and  reminis<  en<  e.      N<>t  hall  oJ  th< 
things  told  in  the  cloak-rooms  gel  into  print,  but 
here  are  a  few  of  the  late  ' 

Thaddeus  Steven  •   bill 

in  Congress  which  aroused  the  Opposition  of  the 
combined    Southern     member-.      He 
brilliant  speech  in  favor  of  it  and  equally  bril- 
liant speeches  were  made  on  the  Othei 
the  upshot  <^  it   was  that  St- 
affer a  very  bitter  and   paaskmati 
bate. 

Stevens  was  still  boiling  wit!;  d 
and   bitterness   when   T 
taunting  way,  asked  him  : 

'•  Well  how  do  you  fee. 

"Feel?"     snapped  back  S  ?    I 


170  iXXit  ano  toumot 

feel  like  the  poor  man  at  the  rich  man'b  gate, 
who  was  licked  by  the  dogs." 

^  ^  ^  %.  %■  %■ 

"  The  best  thing  I  have  heard  at  ex-President 
Harrison's  expense,"  said  Samuel  S.  Cox,  one 
day,  "  was  said  by  a  prominent  Western  Senator 
who  is  celebrated  for  his  humorous  way  of 
putting  things.  '  Don't  talk  to  me  about  Ben 
Harrison,'  he  said.  *  Why,  he  used  to  bring  his 
lunch  to  the  Capitol  every  day,  sit  on  it  all 
morning,  and  then  eat  it  cold.'  " 

^  ^  %■  %■  #  %■ 

The  next  anecdote  was  related  by  the  Hon. 
John  C.  Hutcheson,  of  Texas.  Josiah  Patterson, 
of  Tennessee,  had  happened  to  remark  in  his 
anti-silver  speech  that  we  had  come  to  the  fork  of 
two  roads.  Mr.  Hutcheson  said  this  reminded 
him  of  an  old  colored  man  he  once  knew.  His 
minister  had  said  that  "  broad  am  de  road  that 
leadeth  to  destruction  and  straight  and  narrow 
am  de  path  that  leadeth  to  eternal  damnation." 

At  this  the  old  darky  jumped  to  his  feet  shout- 
ing, "  Fo'  God  !  If  dat  am  de  case  den  dis  yer 
nigger  takes  straight  to  de  woods." 

^s  ;Je  :|!  ^c  :£  ♦ 

"When  any  question  of  grave  public  con- 
cern is  on  the  carpet,"  said  Congressman  Allen 


of  Bmerfcati  Statesmen  iti 

one  day,  "  it  is  the  habit  of  some  of  theiNew 

York    papers   to   round  up  anywhere  from  two 
dozen   to  forty   reporters  who  never  I 
Washington  in  their  lives,  dump  them  into 
and    send  them  over  to  do  interviewing.     The 
men  themselves  are   not  to  blame  be 
do  as  they  are  ordered  ;   nor  are  they  to  In- 
sured for  lack  of  intimate  personal  knowled. 
Senators  and   Representatives.      ( )n  arriving  in 
Washington    they    brush    the   dubt    from    their 
clothes  and  make  a  wild  rush  for  the  Capitol. 
One  of  them  was  in  the  corridor  back  of  the 
Senate  chamber  when  our  Nebraska 
came  along. 

"  '  Are  you  Mr.  Manderson?  '   lie  asked. 

"'I  am  Senator  Manderson,'   was  the  some- 
what formal  response. 

"  *  What  State  are  you  from  ? ' 

"The  Senator   l  I    him  with  I 

western   stare.     'Young  man,'    he  Baid,    ' 
your  paper  own  a  Congre>sion.il  I » 

"  'Oh,  I  sup] 
you  think  about  silver  ? ' 

"  '  I  think,'  he  responded,  as  he 
the  door  and   held  it  partly  0]  H  .'!:.: 
it  is  a  metal.     I  have  DO  Otha 

*  *  *  :?- 

A  story  told  about  Congrc  a  Sul- 


172  ISIM  ano  Dumot 

zer,  of  New  York,  concerns  the  passage  of  the 
bill  in  the  Fifty-fourth  Congress  creating  the  In- 
dustrial Labor  Commission.  The  author  of  this 
measure  was  T.  W.  Phillips,  of  Pennsylvania. 
It  passed  the  Senate  in  the  closing  hours  of  the 
session  and  was  sent  to  President  Cleveland  for 
signature. 

Mr.  Cleveland  was  at  the  Capitol,  as  is  cus- 
tomary at  such  times,  and  was  ready  to  sign  such 
bills  as  met  his  approval.  Mr.  Phillips,  Mr. 
Sulzer  and  other  gentlemen  waited  on  him  to 
explain  any  points  on  which  he  might  be  doubt- 
ful. When  they  reached  the  President's  room 
they  found  the  door  locked  and  a  grim  custodian 
who  declared  that  the  President  did  not  wish  to 
be  disturbed.  Time  was  flying,  the  last  mo- 
ments of  the  Congress  were  slipping  out  of  ex- 
istence and  there  was  no  telling  what  Mr.  Cleve- 
land was  doing  behind  that  locked  door.  Mr. 
Sulzer  came  to  the  rescue. 

"Gentlemen,"  he  announced,  "  we  will  get 
into  that  room  if  we  have  to  break  in  the  door." 
After  awhile  it  opened.  Mr.  Cleveland  was  eat- 
ing a  somewhat  bounteous  luncheon. 

Mr.  Sulzer  struck  an  attitude.  "Mr.  Presi- 
dent," he  said,  "we  wish  to  call  your  attention 
to  a  bill  in  which  every  labor  organization  is 
vitally  interested."     He  then  went  on,  giving 


ct  Bmertcan  Statesmen  L7I 

the  title  of  the  bill  and  expatiatii]  terits. 

After   a   time    Mr.    Phillips   nudged     htm 
whispered  that  time  wa  .hurt,  but   Mr. 

Sulzer  was  making  a  line  sped  ii  and  would 
cut  it  short.     At  last  he  concluded  with  a 
eloquent  peroration,  whereupon  Mi.  I 
with  conviction   written   on    every  line    of    his 
countenance  picked  up  a  pen  and  started  ti 
the  bill.     Suddenly   he    paused,    looked   at  his 
watch  and  laid  down  the  pen.      ••  Gentlemen," 
he  said,  "  I  was  familiar  with  the  menu  of  this 
bill  and  fully  intended  to  sign  it.      Put   1   : 
myself  in  listening  to  the  eloquent  words  i  : 
gentleman   from   Xew    York.     It  is  i 
tunately   after  twelve  o'clock,  the  :   urth 

Congress  has  expired,  and  I  am  : 
ident  of  the   United  States.      I  have,  I 
no  power  to  sign  the  bill." 

But  the  next  Congress  passed  the  bill. 
the  President  signed  it  without  further  to: 
interruptions. 


Many  a    good   Story  is   told  of    I 

vens,   who  led   the    Repul  I 

during  the  civil  war  and 

In  his  last  days,  when  all  saw  that  1. 
fast  drawing  to  a  I  lose.  1  I   v.  |    R 


174  XQit  anfc  ftmmor 

Chauncey,  two  employees  of  the  House  of  Rep- 
resentatives, used  to  carry  him  in  a  large  arm- 
chair from  his  lodgings  across  the  public  grounds 
up  the  broad  stairs  of  the  Capitol. 

"  Who,"  he  said  to  them  one  day,  "will  be 
so  good  to  me,  and  bear  me  in  their  strong  arms 
when  you  two  mighty  men  are  gone  ?  ' ' 

When  Stevens  had  taken  to  his  bed  for  the 
last  time  a  visitor  told  him  he  was  looking  well. 

"  Oh  John,"  was  the  quick  reply,  "it  is  not 
my  appearance,  but  my  disappearance  that 
troubles  me." 


One  day  a  member  of  the  House  of  Repre- 
sentatives who  was  noted  for  his  uncertain  course 
on  all  questions,  and  who  confessed  that  he  never 
investigated  a  point  under  discussion  without 
finding  himself  a  neutral,  asked  for  leave  of  ab- 
sence. 

"Mr.  Speaker,"  said  Stevens,  "I  do  not  rise 
to  object,  but  to  suggest  that  the  honorable 
member  need  not  ask  this  favor,  for  he  can 
easily  pair  off  with  himself !  ' ' 


One  anecdote  always  remembered  in  connec- 
tion with  Stevens  illustrates  his  unostentatious 


ot  Bmcrlcan  Statesmen  vn 

chanty.     A  begger  woman  met  him  one  morn- 
ing as  he  was  limping  to  the  Ho\ 

''Oh,  sir,"  she  said,  "I  have  just  lost  all  the 
money  I  had  in  the  world  I  " 

"And  how  much  wis  that  ?  " 

"Oh,  sir,  it  was  seventy-five  cents." 

"  You  don't  say  so,"  he  replied  patting 
bill   in  her  hand.      "And  how  wonderful  it  is 
that  I  should  have  found  what  you  lost  I 
^  ♦  #  ♦ 

Representative  Cannon  of  Illinois  tells  a  good 
story  of  himself  and  "  Sunset  Cox."     The 
York  Representative  had  had  some  things  to  say 
about   a  citizen  of  Mr.  Cannon's  State,  and  the 
Illinoisan  wanted  to  defend  his  constit 

"Will  the  gentleman  from  New  York  yield  to 
me?  "  said  Mr.  Cannon. 

"Certainly,"  said   Mr.  Cox. 

"  For  how  long?  "  inquired  the  Speaker. 

"  As  long  as  the  gentleman  from  Illinois  will 
keep  his  hands  in  his  pockets,"  said  M:    I 
laughingly. 

Mr.  Cannon  accepted  the  tenm  ami  | 
with  his  remarks.      He  uttered  just  o: 
and  a  half,  and  then  his  hands  which  had  l>cen 
snugly    stuck    into   his  pockets,    cam- 
were  flying  through  the  air  like  a  couple  of  wind- 
mills. 


176  lUit  and  ibumor 

"  Time's  up,"  said  Mr.  Cox,  who  knew  his 
man,  and  then  Mr.  Cannon  sat  down. 


Mark  Hanna,  Chairman  of  the  Republican 
National  Committee,  isn't  a  story-teller.  So  he 
doesn't  tell  this  story.  Another  man  in  the 
cloak-room  told  it,  however.  It  was  when  Mr. 
Hanna  was  at  the  Republican  National  Conven- 
tion at  St.  Louis.  Everybody  knew  that  Mc- 
Kinley  was  going  to  be  nominated  for  the  Presi- 
dency, but  the  important  question  was  who  would 
be  the  Vice-Presidential  nominee.  There  were 
a  dozen  candidates,  most  of  whose  names  are  now 
forgotten.  Everybody  believed  that  whomever 
the  McKinley  strength  supported  would  be  the 
nominee,  and  everybody  was  anxious  to  know 
whom  Mr.  Hanna  favored  for  the  office.  A 
politician  in  search  of  information  met  Mr. 
Hanna  on  the  eve  of  the  second  day  of  the  Con- 
vention. 

"  Who  will  be  nominated  ?  "  he  asked. 

"McKinley,  of  course,"  replied  Hanna. 

"  Oh,  pshaw,  of  course,  of  course ;  but  I  want 
to  know  about  the  Vice-Presidency." 

"Very  well,"  said  Mr.  Hanna,  "come  over 
here  in  a  corner  away  from  this  crowd  and  I'll 
tell  you  something." 


ot  Hmerican  Statesmen  it: 

The  two  men  drew  away  from  the  other 
then  Mr.  Hanna  whispered, 

11  Do  you  want  to  know  the  name  of  the  next 
Vice-President?  " 

"Yes,"  was  the  eager  reply. 

"  I  am  sure  I  don't  know.      I  think  you  had 
better  consult  a  clairvoyant." 


Michigan  is  one  of  the  few  States  in  the  Union 
where  capital  punishment  is  forbidden  by 
and  the  people  are  very  tenacious  of  the 
name  of  the  State  in  that  respect,  and  although 
many   persons   in  every    Legislature   for  many 
years   have  undertaken  to  restore  the  death  pen- 
alty, the  proposition  has  always  been  defe 
But   the  question    hobs  up  serenely  with 
Legislature;  there  is  any  amount 
long  contests  in  each  1 1 

Some  years  ago  an  amusing  thing  hap] 
while  the  debate  on  this  bill  was  pending  in  tin- 
House  at  Lansing.     Three  able  and  loud  lu 
Representatives   who  sat   near  ea<  h  Other  on  the 
right  side  of  the  House  mad< 
and  vigorous  speo  hes  on  tl 
favor  of  the  hanging  bill.     When  tl 
took  his  seat  a  young  man  oi   ' 
the  House  rose  quickly 


178  vntt  an&  fmmot 

[  rise  to  a  question  of  privilege."  u  The  gentle- 
man will  state  his  question  of  privilege, ' '  said  the 
Speaker.     "Mr.  Speaker,"  continued  the  ; 

man,  "I  want  to  inquire  of  our  friends  on  the 
other  side  of  the  House  which  they  think  is  pref- 
erable to  be  hanged  or  talked  to  death. ' '  This 
statement  was  greeted  with  great  applause, 
promptly  checked,  however,  and  turned  against 
its  author  by  a  big  voiced  member  ••  ..:  rose 
right  back  of  the  three  offenders,  and  called  out 
in  a  boiler-factory  voice  :  "  Well,  if  you're  going 
to  talk,  we  prefer  to  be  hanged." 

*■  jjc  x  x  #  -x 

"  Tracey,  I  •■vis?,  yon  inside  the 

r  a  minute;  I  am  going  to  make  amo- 
tion," said  General  Sickles,  while  strolling  about 
the  lobby  during  the  time  a  certain  River  a::d 
Harbor  Bill  was  under  consideration.  He  ad- 
dressed his  colleague  from  New  York  State. 

••What";  your  motion?"  inquire!  Mr. 
Tracey. 

"I  am  going  to  move  that  the  Chief  of 
Engineers  be  required  to  make  an  estimate  of 
the  cost  of  moving  some  of  those  Western  towns 
near  the  rivers  out  there.  It's  proving  too  ex- 
pensive to  run  the  rivers  to  them." 


ot  'American  9tatC*mei1 

"My  funniest   experience,"    said    Frederick 
Upham    Adams,   Secretary  of   the    I 
Press   Bureau,    "was   at   the    first    C 
which  I  attended  as  a  delegate,     A.  I. 

had  recently  moved  into  the  thirty-fourth 
of  Chicago  and  was  a  candidate  for  meml 
the  Legislature.     Hardly  any  one  in  the  ward 
knew  him  at  the  time.     Wt  held  the  <  Conven- 
tion, and  the  word  having  been  long, 
everybody    was    in    favor    of    Jo 
knew  Jones,  and  I  had  been  elected  a  de 
in  order  to  make  the  nomination.     I  got  np 
made  a  rattling  speech  telling  the  delegates  what 
a    rattling    member   of    the    Legislature     I 
would   make.      Nobody   knew  me,   and  while   I 

spoke  one-half  of  the  delegates  prere  asking, 

'Who  the  is  Jones?"    while  the 

half  inquired,  ■  Who  the  is 

Nevertheless  Jones  was  nominated   by  a  \ 
sixty  eight  to  seven." 


Congressman  John   M.    Allen,  ut"  V 
once  went   all   the  way  ■   lnc 

South  to  attend   a  banquet      When  ':.■ 

place  at  the  board  he  found  h 

for  the   last   speech.      1  li-    fi  v   the 

program,    and    like  himself    wer  1    by 


180  tUit  anD  Ibumor 

what  they  thought  was  thoughtlessness  on  the 
part  of  the  committee. 

The  Congressman  listened  to  the  long  ad- 
dresses, and  when  his  turn  came  prefaced  his 
remarks  thus  : 

"  Gentlemen,  I  was  somewhat  at  a  loss,  at  the 
opening  of  this  feast,  to  understand  why  you 
had  asked  me  to  come  all  the  way  from  Missis- 
sippi to  speak  to  you  and  then  made  my  address 
the  last  number  of  your  program.  Now  it  is 
all  plain  to  me.  You  had  to  put  a  bright  man 
at  the  last  to  hold  the  audience." 

William  B.  Preston  of  Virginia,  was  one  of 
the  earliest  and  most  efficient  partisans  of  Gen- 
eral Taylor,  and  after  the  election  of  the  latter 
to  the  Presidency,  it  got  out  that  Mr.  Preston 
was  to  be  made  Attorney-General — a  position 
for  which  he  was  quite  unfitted.  Senator 
Archer,  of  Virginia,  hearing  the  rumor,  called 
upon  the  President,  whereupon  this  dialogue 
occurred  : 

"I  hear,"  he  said,  "that  you  think  of  ma- 
king my  friend  Preston  your  Attorney-General." 

"  Yes,"  replied  Taylor,  "  I  do." 

"Are  you  aware  of  the  fact,"  continued  the 
Senator,  "that  an  Attorney-General  must  repre- 
sent the  government  in  the  Supreme  Court?  " 


ot  Bmcrican  Statesmen 

"Of  course,"  said    Taylor. 

"Do  you  know  that   he  must   there 

Daniel  Webster  and  Reverdy  John  opjxj- 

sing  counsel  'J " 

"Certainly,"     replied     Taylor.      ••■. 
that?" 

"Nothing,  except  that  they  will   m  . 
of  your  Attorney-General." 

Without  another  word,  the  Virginia 
took  his  leave,  hut  he  had  made  the  im- 
pression.    Mr.   Preston  was  made  Sc 
the  Navy,   probably  because  lie  knew 
about   ships,    and    Mr.    Reverdy 
made  Attorney-!  reneral. 

****** 

Some  year:,  tor  John  A.I 

Hon.   Isaac   N.    Arnold  were    in-  :    the 

Illinois  Legislature.     One  of  the  I 
discussion  by  that    body  iras   a 
build  a  new  penitentiary  at  I 
The  members  from  ••  Egypt, 

HOIS,  opposed    it,  and 

the  prison  at  Alton.      Mr.   1 

a  bill  favoring  the  latter 

easy   to   undei 

northern  p.m  of  the  State  t 

prison   statistics   showed    that 

convicts  came  from  Northern  I 


182  vait  an<>  tmmot 

Mr.  Arnold  said  in  reply,  "  What  the  honor- 
able gentleman  says  about  the  proportion  of 
convicts  is  true ;  but  there  is  this  difference  be- 
tween the  two  parts  of  the  State;  in  the  north 
we  send  our  criminals  to  prison ;  in  the  south 
they  send  them  to  the  Legislature. ' ' 

Joliet  got  its  appropriation. 


CHAPTER  XIII 
Greeley  ana 

Oliver  Johnson  relates  that  he  oni  • 

panied  Mr.  Greeley  to  the  church  of  I 
Paternity.     Doctor  ChapiD  delivered  <>ne 
sermons,  while  Mr.   Greeley,  :sual  with 

him,  was  apparently  sleeping   in   his 
their  return  Mr.  Johnson   expres>ed   rej 
he  should  have  missed  such  a  treat.      Mr.  I 
ley  immediately   repeated    to   him    the  prin 
substance   of   the   discourse,   not   mistakii 
omitting  any  part. 

****** 

Like  others  imperfectly  taught,  he  could 
to  despise  what  he  did  not  know      H 
esteem   the  curriculum  of  college 
ing   that   was    principally    a 
honored  cattle,"  he  said,  "the  most  helj '. 
a  printing-office  is  a  college  grad 
***** 

President  Andrew  1 ).  W'h it 
visited     Greeley    in     company    with 
"Mr.    Greeley."    said    he.     "th. 
1-:: 


184  Wit  ano  Ibumor 

,  of  Yale   College.     He   is   professor  of 


mathematics,  and  I  now  expect  a  conflict  be- 
tween you."  Mr.  Greeley  took  up  the  chal- 
lenge. "The  best  educated  man  that  I  ever 
knew, ' '  said  he,  '  *  was  Abraham  Lincoln  ;  and 
he  had  no  instruction  in  your  classics  or  math- 
ematics. ' ' 

"Mr.  Greeley,"  said  the  Professor,  warmly, 
"  Mr.  Lincoln  always  acknowledged  that  he  was 
indebted  for  much  of  his  mental  discipline  to  a 
volume  of  Euclid  that  came  into  his  hands. 
Besides,  the  men  who  have  been  delighted  and 
benefited  by  classical  study  will  never  be  willing 
to  give  up  the  original  languages  by  which  their 
favorite  literature  was  transmitted."  "  I  drink 
a  great  deal  of  Croton  water,"  said  Mr.  Greeley, 
in  rejoinder;  "but  I  never  thought  of  swallow- 
ing ten  or  twelve  rods  of  lead  pipe  on  that  ac- 
count." 

One  day  a  man  paid  him  twenty  dollars. 
"What  is  this  for?"  asked  Greeley.  "You 
lent  it  to  me,"  said  the  other.  "  I  promised  to 
pay  you,  and  now  have  done  so."  "I  have 
lent  a  great  deal  of  money,"  replied  Mr.  Gree- 
ley, "and  the  men  all  promised  to  pay  me. 
You  are  the  first  one  that  has  disappointed  me." 


of  American  Statesmen 

Another  story  has  been  told,  which   is  both 
characteristic  and  true.     Mr.  Greeley  del 
to  expose  political  abuse-.     <  I      day  during  the 
"fifties"  an   editorial   article   reprehended   the 
festivities   of  the   tea-room   at   the   City 
The  participants  were  accused  of  being  u 
cated  "with  champagne  and  Heidsie  k." 
Greeley  reached   the  Tribune   offi<  e   that 
noon  as  usual,  when  Mr.  C.  A.  Dana,  hi- 
assistant,  asked:    "  How,  Mr.  Greeley,  dal  that 
blunder  get   into  the   paper,?"       Mr.    (i: 
scanned  it,  but  to  no  purpose.      "  What  i>  it?" 
he  asked.     Mr.  Dana  j>ointed  it  out,  rem..; 
that   Heidsieck  was  only  one  brand  of  cham- 
pagne, and   that    therefore    it    was    improper    tO 
name  it   in   that   way.      Quick  at   though! 
Greeley's  eyes  glanced  round  the  editorial  I 
Every  man   there,  and    a   bright 
were,  had  stopped  writing    to   listen.      It  ■ 
contrived  affair.      "  I    think,"    said    :.• 
am  the  only  man  in  this  office  that  could  | 
bly  have  made  that  mistake." 


"I    rememl>er    once,"   Bays   a 

"happening  to  sit  opposite  to  ti  < 

ting  table   in  the  library  of  a  club,      Mr    I 

lev,  in  his  curious  myopic  fashion,  with  1.. 


186  TiXflit  ano  Ibumor 

his  pen  and  his  paper  in  the  closest  possible  re- 
lation, had  for  some  time  been  making  his  usual 
fly-tracks  on  a  pad,  when  suddenly  he  raised 
his  head,  noticed  me,  and  handed  across  the 
table  some  manuscripts  with  the  remark  :  '  Read 
that,  it  is  not  bad.'  I  took  the  paper,  looked 
at  it  directly,  obliquely,  and  all  other  ways, 
only  to  find  it  so  much  cuneiform  character  or 
Norse  runes.  The  sage  noted  my  embarrass- 
ment, reclaimed  the  manuscripts,  and  read  me  a 
perfect  gem  of  a  short  editorial  which  demolished 
some  humbug  or  other  in  a  masterly  way. 
When  he  had  finished,  and  I  had  applauded,  he 
remarked,  triumphantly  :  '  There,  I  knew  I  could 
read  it  when  it  was  fresh,  though  to-morrow  it 
would  puzzle  me.  But  it  makes  no  difference, 
for  there  is  a  fellow  in  the  Tribune  office  who 
can  read  my  stuff,  hot  or  cold.'  " 


Mr.  Jackson  S.  Schultz  went  one  day  to  the 
Tribune  office  to  consult  Mr.  Greeley  on  some 
political  matter.  He  found  the  philosopher,  as 
usual,  hunched  up  over  his  desk,  and  oblivious 
of  all  surroundings.  Mr.  Schultz  addressed 
him,  when,  to  his  dismay,  Greeley  whistled 
down  the  speaking-tube,  gave  an  order,  and 
presently  the  lift  came  up  with  a  five  dollar  bill, 


ot  Bmetican  Statesmen 

which,   without    raising   his   head,    G 
tended  in  Schultz's  direction  with  the 
"  Go  away,  now.     That  is  all  I  can  do  to  i 
The   fact  was  that   Greeley's  charities 
widespread   and   indiscriminate,  that    he  i 
prey  to  all  the  crows  in  town,  and  his  first  im- 
pulse when  he  heard   his  name  i  ailed  wa.->  that 
the  speaker  was  necessarily  after  money. 


"When    I  was   a   young   man,"  Baid  Lawyer 
Park   of  Aurora,    "  1   was   a   political    Speaker. 
My  father  was   living   in  Waukegan  durinj 
Presidential  campaign  in  which  Gena 
was  the  nominee  of  the   Republican  , 
Horace   Greeley  the   nominee   of  the    '  Liberal 
Republicans'  endorsed  by  the    I 
was  on  a  campaign  tour  in  Wisconsin. 
an  audience  that  was  with  me  in  my  sentim 
When    I    had    reached   the  warm; 
my  speech  I  said  that  every  eminent  m 
had    lived,   or    was    living,    had    uttered 
words    that    would    live     forever 
quoted   from   Csesar's  I 
Grant's  ■  I  propose  to  fight  out  on  this  line 
takes  all  summer.'      Having 
ings  of  great  men.  I   >tood  I 
with    oratorical    anguish  :    '  Whal 


188  -uait  ano  Dumoc 

ever  say  ?  '  There  was  a  hush  on  the  heels  or 
this  inquiry  that  lasted  until  it  was  painful  to 
me.  As  I  was  about  to  proceed,  a  little  man 
with  a  head  of  fiery  hair  arose  in  a  back  seat  in 
the  building  and  answered  in  a  shrill  vofce : 
1  Go  West,  you  damned  fool.'  The  audience 
howled  and  yelled  and  fairly  rolled  from  their 
seats.  I  didn't  finish  my  speech.  The  red- 
haired  man  who  had  unwittingly  punctured  my 
oratory  had  broken  up  the  meeting." 


When  Greeley  broke  with  Seward  and  Weed, 
Mr.  Jones  told  him  that  he  would  probably  get 
the  worst  of  the  quarrel,  but  Greeley  replied 
that  he  had  not  wintered  and  summered  with 
them  twenty  years  for  nothing. 

"And  yet,"  said  he,  "I  feel  very  much  as 
the  drover  did  who  took  a  drove  of  hogs  a  long 
way,  and  disposing  of  them  at  a  loss,  was  asked 
what  he  got  out  of  the  enterprise.  He  replied, 
1 1  had  the  company  of  the  hogs.'  " 


The  New  York  Herald  was  at  one  time,  in  a 
way  that  could,  at  the  pleasure  of  its  readers,  be 
construed  to  be  either  serious  or  sarcastic,  urging 
that  Horace  Greeley  should  be  chosen  Senator 


01  American  Statesmen 

of  the  United  S 

James  Gordon  Bennett :  "There  ia  m  k 

est  in  the  vigorous  support  .    Mr 

Greeley   for   the   Senate."       •  >  Mr. 

Bennett,  "  I   think   I  prould    be 

fool  in  the  Senate  as  anywhere  d 


CHAPTER  XIV 
"  The  Man  in  Possession  " 

When  old  Zach  Taylor  came  into  the  Presi- 
dency, persons  in  Washington  soon  began  to  tell 
him  there  was  one  public  servant  the  Govern- 
ment couldn't  do  without ;  they  said  they  had 
come  to  express  the  hope  that  the  old  General 
and  rather  unexperienced  President  would  per- 
mit them  to  inform  him  of  it.  This  piece  of  in- 
formation and  advice  was  systematically  dropped 
into  his  ear  at  frequent  intervals.  At  first  he 
paid  little  attention  to  it,  but  finally  took  note 
of  the  fact  that  a  certain  John  Hobby,  who  for 
twenty  odd  years  had  held  the  important  office 
of  Assistant  Postmaster-General,  was  the  official 
the  Government  couldn't  get  along  without. 
The  communications  became  so  frequent  that 
one  day,  as  the  last  man  disappeared,  old  Zach 
broke  out  with  this  question : 

"Captain  Harry!  Who  in  the  devil  is  this 
man  Hobby  everybody  is  saying  we  can't  get 
along  without  ?  ' ' 

The  General  was  informed  about  the  official. 
190 


ot  Bmertcan  Statesmen 

"We  must  attend   to  the  W'c 

are  liable  to  be   m  trouble  about  bii 
We  must  be  prepared.     He  is  liable 

our   hands,  and    then    the   devil  will  I  • 
Seems  to  me  the  man  who  can't  I  is  the 

one  to  turn  out  while  the  Government   ii 
condition  to  meet  the  em 

out,  Captain  Harry,  and  don't  wait  I      We'l 
whether  or  not  he  can't  be  spared. 
the  b  i  laptaiu  I  " 

*  *  ~  * 

"  If  cleanliness  is  next   to  god., 
man  who   has   been   at    the  National  < 
three  months  in  the  interest  of  a  i 
wm<  h  he  is  sure  will  save  the  Government  mil- 
lions annually,  "then   the  a 
Congressman   must   be  more  in  the 

common    lot.      I    keep   a  little  memorandum,  a 
diary   I   reckon   you   would    call    it,  of  the 
makers  on  whom  I  have   called  in  li.:- 
to  talk  this  affair  of  mint 
OSity  I  write  in  the  little  book  the 
call.      In    three-fourths   of  the   calls    I   have  this 
entry  : 

••  •  Senator  was   in   his  bath.' 
vary  the  monotony  I  write-.  '  .iking 

his  tub.' 

"  Then  I  find  an  entry  like  this: 


192  IftHit  ano  •fcumor 

"  '  Met  Senator  in  corridor  and  got  an  oppor- 
tunity of  presenting  my  case.  He  listened  until 
I  thought  I  had  him  landed.  Told  him  the 
scheme  would  save  the  Government  a  million  a 
year.  He  wanted  to  know  why  I  didn't  spring 
it.  Told  him  I  had  no  spring-board.  That  it 
would  take  $500  to  get  the  board.  Said  he  was 
just  starting  for  a  bath  and  asked  me  to  see  him 
later.  Saw  him  later  about  a  dozen  times,  on 
his  way  to  take  a  bath  every  time  I  saw  him.'  " 


Just  before  a  certain  November  election,  the 
President  called  a  Cabinet  meeting  and  expressed 
the  desire  that  every  member  be  present.  The 
hour  fixed  for  the  conference  was  2  p.  M.  At 
that  time  every  Secretary  was  on  hand  except 
Uncle  Jerry  Rusk.  The  President  waited  and 
waited  for  him  before  proceeding  with  business. 
Finally  Mr.  Rusk  was  seen  coming  up  the  walk, 
and  Secretary  Noble  went  down  the  steps  to 
hurry  him  up. 

"Well,  at  last,"  said  Mr.  Noble  to  Mr.  Rusk, 
as  the  two  came  within  speaking  distance,  ' '  the 
tail  end  of  the  Administration  comes  wagging 
along." 

"  The  tail  end,  eh  ?  "  replied  Mr.  Rusk,  "I'm 
the   tail   end,   am   I?     Well,   sir,   I'll  let   you 


of  Bmectcan  Statesmen 

know,  sir,  that  it  takes  a  good  tail  and 
and  a  bushy  tail  tu  keep  the  flies  off  th 
istration  !  " 

****** 

William  II.  Seward  used  to  tell  BOOM  inl 
ing  stories  of  his  advent  into  politi 
him  greatly,  he  used   t<> 
depicted  upon  the 

heard  of  him,  but   had   never  >een  biro  i  - 
He  was  so  slight  of  figure  and  SO 
that  it  seemed  impossible  that  iie  <  ould  I  ■< 
tne  brilliant  William   EL  S 
had  heard  so  m  u  h.     Mi.  Seward  u 
tnat   the   young   man   who  iras   i. 
taller,  and  of  splendid   physique,   had   a 
deal  better  chance  to  get  along  . 
the  little  fellows,  such  as  he 

One  day  at  the  seashore  he  was  mil 
a  famous  politician  is  M:    Sen  rtL 

"Seward?       You     COTOC     from     New     \ 
State?" 

"  YtSt  that  is  my  bom 

"Well,  I  have  heard  there  who 

they  say  is 

self,  and  the  one  that   the  V. 
ernor  last  vear.      I  >- 1  fOU  happen  ' 

Perhaps  he  is  a  rel..:  ;rs?  " 


194  Taatt  ano  Ibumor 

He  used  to  tell  another  story  that  seemed  to 
give  him  great  joy  to  repeat.  When  he  was  a 
member  of  the  State  Senate  the  first  time  he  re- 
ceived a  message  from  one  of  the  most  distin- 
guished politicians  in  New  York  asking  for  an 
interview.  Mr.  Seward  felt  pleased  to  be  hon- 
ored thus,  and  arraying  himself  in  his  Sunday 
clothes  he  went  to  call  on  the  distinguished  man. 
He  was  received  in  the  parlor  and  the  politician, 
while  courteous,  was  cold  and  distant,  treating 
him  with  utmost  formality.  Mr.  Seward  said  : 
"  I  thought  perhaps  you  had  some  special  busi- 
ness with  me." 

"  No,  sir,  I  do  not  think  of  any;  in  fact  I 
supposed  you  were  paying  me  a  call  of  mere 
respect." 

"But  I  received  a  message  from  you." 
"  I  do  not  remember  to  have  sent  one.     I  am 
expecting  this   afternoon    a  visit  from  Senator 
Seward.     Maybe  my  request  has  miscarried.     I 
did  not  catch  your  name. ' ' 

"Why,  I  am  Senator  Seward,  General." 
The  politician  arose  from  his  seat,  went 
towards  Seward,  put  his  hands  on  his  shoulders, 
and  said,  "Well,  Senator,  you  will  pardon  me, 
I  know.  I  supposed  you  were  a  young  beau 
who  had  called  with  a  lurking  desire  to  meet 
my  daughter.     Let  me  apologize  by  saying  that 


ot  American  Statesmen  196 

you  have  indeed  an  old   head  on  young  shoul- 
ders." 


Another  story  Seward   told   was  of    a   I 
tion   he  had  while  Governor  of  the  State.      He 
gave  it  in  honor  of  Millard  Fillmore.      A  . 
many  people  knew  neither  Seward  DOT  Fillmore 
by  sight.      Fillmore  was  a  splendid  specime 
sturdy  manhood,  nearly  six  feet  in  height.      He 
stood    at    Seward's    left,  and    the    diff< ■: 
tween   the   men   was   striking.      Of    the  tl 
that  passed   by  those  who  were  not  a 
with  either  Seward  or  Fillmore  saluted  Fill 
as    Governor,    and    he   turned    to    Seward 
said  :      "  Why  do  so   many  people  mistake 
call  me  Governor  ?  " 

"Ah,"  said  Seward,  "it  is  be  the 

popular  mind,  there  is  an  instinctive  fa 

t  office  should  be  filled  by  a  man  who  is 
physically  as  great  as  you  are.  Fillmore. 
people  see  me  they  think  some  mistake 

made,  and    that  in  some  way  or  Other  I 
been  chosen  ( rovernor." 

****** 

There  was   in    the  office  of  the 

District   Attorney,  ting  man  *  -mess 

it  was  to  attend   to  the 


196  "CUit  an&  f>umoc 

young  man  on  the  day  in  question  was  reclining 
in  a  chair  with  his  feet  cocked  on  a  desk.  He 
was  industriously  puffing  a  cigar.  There  was  a 
knock  at  the  door. 

"  Come  in,"  yelled  the  clerk.  The  door 
opened  and  two  gentlemen  entered. 

"Well,  what's  wanted?"  the  clerk  said  in 
an  insolent  tone,  without  changing  his  position 
or  removing  the  cigar  from  his  mouth. 

"  Is  Mr.  McKeon  in  ?  "  the  elder  of  the  two 
visitors  inquired  politely. 

"No,  he's  out  of  town,"  replied  the  clerk 
gruffly. 

"I  am  very  sorry,"  the  visitor  went  on,  ap- 
parently not  noticing  the  clerk's  insolence;  "for 
I  have  not  seen  him  since  we  were  in  Congress 
together." 

"So,"  muttered  the  clerk  in  a  tone  that 
plainly  expressed  "  I  don't  care  a  continental." 

"  Can  I  leave  him  a  line?  "  the  visitor  asked. 

"  Yes,  you'll  find  pens  and  paper  over  there," 
answered  the  clerk  pointing  with  his  thumb  at  a 
dirt-begrimed  table  in  the  corner. 

The  visitor  sat  down  and  wrote  a  line  on  a 
small  piece  of  paper,  which  he  handed  to  the 
clerk,  who  glanced  at  it.  Down  came  his  feet 
with  a  thump  on  the  floor.  On  the  paper  was 
written  "Franklin  Pierce." 


of  Bmerican  Statesmen 

The  visitors  were  the  President  of  the  United 
States   and    his    private   secretary.     When   the 
clerk   recovered   from  his  astonishnu    : 
alone.     From   that   day   there    was   a    no 
change  in  the  reception  in  that  ofl 

****** 
The    Hon.    John    W.    Ward   of  the   mil 
metropolis   of  Korewille,  Miss.,  in  of 

jocular  turn.     Weary  of  munici: 
recently  tendered  to  Governor  Ames  hi 
tion  of  the  office  of  Mayor  in  the  wo:  Is  1 

"I    hereby    beg    le„ 
tender  nv. 

>.ich  office  [was 
headed    predecessor,    which    with    the   in: 

f  the 
American  people.  1 

In   thus  drawing  off  the  judicial  en: 
governed  the  haunting  I 

inordinately   rich    if    I   continue    to   hoi: 

e  posit  : 

and     brother    may    be 
• 
at  prefers 

of  ptTi 

'.'.   Jewell, 

: .      - 


198  TDCUt  ano  tmmor 

business,"  and  did  not  propose  to  tolerate  any 
unbusinesslike  proceedings  in  the  department 
under  his  charge.  For  instance,  he  issued  an 
order  discontinuing  the  rather  loose  practice 
which  had  obtained  of  allowing  the  department 
clerks  to  draw  "  advance  pay  "  under  certain 
circumstances.  Unfortunately  one  of  those  gen- 
tlemen, who  had  postponed  until  December  his 
usual  summer  vacation — which  he  then  pro- 
posed to  enjoy  as  his  honeymoon — found  the 
new  rule  likely  to  seriously  interfere  with  his 
visions  of  bliss,  and  the  chief  of  his  bureau  un- 
dertook the  task  of  endeavoring  to  induce  the 
Postmaster-General  to  make  an  exception  in  so 
peculiar  and  interesting  a  case.  Governor 
Jewell,  however,  declined  to  grant  the  request. 
"  The  Post-Office  Department  cannot  insure 
Mr. 's  life,"  he  observed,  "  and  the  Post- 
master-General cannot  violate  his  own  orders; 
but,"  he  added,  "the  young  man's  word  must 
be  kept  and  the  young  lady  must  not  be  disap- 
pointed, so  I'll  take  the  risk  myself;  "  and 
drawing  his  individual  check  in  favor  of  the 
clerk  for  the  amount  of  the  latter' s  monthly 
salary,  he  thereby  cut  the  Gordian  and  rendered 
feasible  the  tying  of  the  hymeneal  knot. 

Assistant  Secretary  of  War,  George  D.  Mei- 


ot  American  Statesmen 

klejohn,  was  said  to  do  more  work  every  day 
than  any  great  merchant  in  the  country.  His 
virtues  in  this  line  were  made  known  by  a 
gressman,  who  told  the  story  of  his  experience  : 
"Say,  there's  a  man  in  the  Department  there 
who  does  something  !  Just  think  of  it,  a  fellow 
who  draws  a  big  salary  and  earns  it — more  than 
earns  it — by  hard  work.  Perhaps  you  think 
I  am  joking,  but  I'm  not.  I'm  in  earnest,  in 
dead  earnest  !  I  had  a  life-and-death  matter  on 
hand.  I  half  killed  myself  getting  the  papers 
ready.  It  took  me  a  week,  ami,  although  I 
never  work  except  when  1  have  to,  I  can  put  in 
just  as  good  licks  as  any  one  else  when  it's  nec- 
essary. The  papers  made  a  big  bundle,  as  big 
nearly  as  a  tombstone,  and  just  as  intere 
I  took  them  to  the  War  office  on  Saturday,  Sat- 
urday at  four  o'clock,  and  gave  them  to  Meikle- 
john.  He  says,  'Come  in  Monday  morning.' 
I  wanted  to  laugh,  but  didn't.  I  knew,  how- 
ever, I'd  have  to  wait  two  or  three  week 
was  SO  sure,  I'd  have  bet  on  it,  and  I'm  not  a 
betting  man.  Monday  morning  I  happened  to 
be  in  the  building  on  another  matter.  As  I 
passed  Meiklejohn's door  I  thought  I'd  go  in  and 

I   did.       I    almost    fell    dead.      There    wnc    my 

papers  ready  for  me,  signed;   I  could  scarcely 

thank  him,  I  was  so  dumfounded." 


CHAPTER  XV 

Senatorial  Courtesy 

A  story  is  told  of  the  time  when  Col.  Alex- 
ander McClure  of  Philadelphia  was  occupying  the 
chair  in  the  Legislature  at  Harrisburg.  He  was 
rushing  bills  through  as  fast  as  the  titles  could 
be  read,  when  a  member  in  a  remote  corner  of 
the  hall  arose  and  shouted  for  recognition. 
Finally  the  presiding  officer  asked  in  severe 
tones  : 

u  For  what  purpose  does  the  gentleman  rise  ?  " 

u  I  desire  to  offer  an  amendment  to  the  pend- 
ing bill,"  shouted  the  member. 

"  The  gentleman  is  too  late,"  promptly  replied 
Colonel  McClure,  "  he  can  offer  his  amendment 
to  the  next  bill." 


Senator  Palmer  of  Michigan  was  presiding  in 
the  Senate  chamber  one  day  when  Sawyer  was 
putting  bills  through  as  fast  as  he  could  say, 
"  The  ayes  have  it."  As  one  bill  was  being  put 
through  the  hopper  a  Senator  ventured  to  rise 
200 


of  American  Statesmen  aoi 

and  say  to  the  Chair  that  he  had  listened  very 
carefully  and  he  was  sure  the  ayes  did  not  have 
it.  With  perfect  good  nature  Senator  Palmer 
replied,  "The  ayes  always  have  it  when  I  am  in 
the  chair,"  and  passed  on  to  the  next  bill  on  the 
calendar. 


Mr.  Vest  of  Missouri  was  making  a  speei  h  in 
the  Senate  when  first  Mr.  Peffer  arose  and 
to  speak,  and  then  Mr.  Sherman,  all  three  ad- 
dressing the  Chair  at  the  same  time.  Mr.  Vest 
looked  amazed,  and  after  a  minute's  hesitation 
called  out : 

"Mr.  President,  Mr.  President." 

The  President  paid  no  attention  to  Mr.  Vest, 
however,  when  the  Missouri  member  changed 
his  tactics  by  declaring  his  desire  to  make  a  par- 
liamentary inquiry.  This  appeal  iras  not  lost 
on  the  President. 

"  The  gentleman  from  Missouri  will  state  it." 
he  said,  ignoring  Mr.  Peffer  and  Mr.  Sherman. 

"I    believe  I  was  add  •'ne  Sena- 

had  the  floor,"  said    Mi.    Vest,  "but   it 
that  I  have  no  longer  got   it.      It  'I  i 
any  other  way  I  rise  to  .1   parliamentary  inquiry 
to  find  out  how  I  lost  it." 


202  XUtt  ano  Ibumor 

If  an  official  report  of  the  Senate  had  been 
accurately  kept,  among  other  things  the  journal 
would  have  contained  what  follows : 

Senator — Mr.  President,  I  rise  to  a  question 
of  personal  privilege. 

The  President — The  Senator  from  Maine  will 
proceed. 

The  Senator — The  President  is  smoking  and 
it  is  very  offensive  to  the  Senator  from  Maine 
unless  the  President  has  an  extra  cigar  which 
will  permit  the  Senator  from  Maine  to  be  so- 
ciable. 

The  President  summoned  his  page. 

The  President — The  Chair  always  endeavors 
to  treat  Senators  with  due  courtesy  and  now  pre- 
sents his  compliments  to  the  Senator  from  Maine. 

The  Senator  from  Maine  lights  his  cigar,  and 
the  Senate  proceeds  to  a  discussion  of  legislative 
appropriations. 

During  the  course  of  his  recent  speech  on  the 
Philippines,  Spooner  of  Wisconsin  held  up  a 
paper  which  he  said  was  a  letter  written  by  Gen- 
eral Lawton  some  time  before  his  death. 

' '  Do  you  know  it  was  written  by  him  ?  ' '  asked 
Pettigrew  of  South  Dakota,  who  had  previously 
expressed  doubts  of  the  authenticity,  and  had 
tried  to  cast  a  cloud  over  it. 


of  Smerican  Statesmen  203 

"The  Senator  reminds  me,"  said  Mr.  Spooner, 
"of  a  lawyer  who  was  defending  a  prisoner  tor 
murder.  The  evidence  showed  that  the  defend- 
ant stood  with  a  revolver  when  the  other  man 
approached,  and  fired  it,  and  when  he  fired  it 
the  man  fell  dead.  On  cross-examination  of  a 
witness  who  saw  it  the  counsel  said  to  him  : 
1  Did  you  see  this  defendant  ?  '  l  Yes.'  '  Where 
was  he?'  'Well,  he  stood  so-and-so.'  'Did 
he  have  a  revolver  in  his  hand  ?  '  '  Yes.'  ■  Was 
it  pointed  at  the  deceased?'  'Yes.'  'How 
far  from  him  was  it?'  '  Twelve  feet.'  'Did 
he  fire  it?'  'Yes.'  'Did  the  deceased  drop 
when  he  fired  it?'  '  Yes.'  '  Did  you  go  to 
him?'  'Yes.'  'Was  he  dead?'  'Yes.' 
'Now,  sir,  I  ask  you  to  inform  the  jury  on  your 
oath  whether  you  saw  any  bullet  go  out  of  the 
barrel  of  that  revolver  ?  '  " 

Amid  the  laughter  which  went  round  no 
answering  word  came  from  Pettigrew. 

*  *  *  >:  * 

Senator  Butler  had  a  bill  appropriating  55,000 

to  build  a  monument  on  the  Moore's  Creek  bat- 
tle-field, N.  C,  which  was  an  especial  obi 
Senator  Wolcott's  fun. 

"  Can  the  Senator  tell  me  the  date  of  the  bat- 
tle ?  "  he  asked  Mr.  Butler. 


204  liatt  and  1b inner 

"  It  was  the  first  battle  of  the  Revolution — 
twenty-nine  days  before  the  battle  of  Lexing- 
ton," was  the  reply. 

"  But  cannot  the  Senator  tell  me  the  day  and 
the  year?"  persisted  Mr.  Wolcott. 

Mr.  Butler  was  stumped.  "I  can  tell  the 
Senator  to-morrow,"  he  finally  remarked. 

"Then,"  replied  Mr.  Wolcott,  "I  will  let 
my  objection  stand  until  to-morrow,  also." 

A  fewr  minutes  later  Senator  Wolcott  relented, 
and  Mr.  Butler  made  another  effort  to  get  the 
appropriation  agreed  to.  This  time  it  was  Sen- 
ator Lodge  who  objected. 

"Oh,  don't  object,  Lodge,"  said  Wolcott,  in 
a  stage  whisper,  "  he'll  put  the  date  of  the  battle 
forward  a  year  if  you  are  jealous  on  account  of 
Lexington." 

But  Mr.  Lodge  continued  to  object,  and  the 
monument  bill  remains  on  the  calendar. 

Even  in  the  United  States  Senate  they  occa- 
sionally enliven  the  tedium  of  legislative  pro- 
ceedings with  a  little  honest  hilarity.  A  few 
years  ago  in  that  body  a  bill  for  promoting  the 
efficiency  of  navy  Chaplains  was  taken  up. 

Senator  Plumb,  of  Kansas,  wanted  to  know  if 
it  would  suit  to  equalize  the  pay  by  reducing  that 
of  army  Chaplains  to  the  navy  standard. 


of  Bmerican  Statesmen 

Senator  Vance,  of  North  Carolina,  said  ■  "It 
would  not  suit  me  so  well  as  it  would  probably 
suit  the  Senator  from  Kansas.  I  haw  not  the 
same  desire  for  economy  of  this  charai  ter.  1  do 
not  want  to  see  the  praying  force  of  this  country 
reduced.     I  think  it  ought  to  be  increased." 


An  ex-Senator,  whose  "inflation"  sentiments 
were  not  entirely  confined  to  the  current  j 
some  time  since  invited  to  speak  on  the  subject 
of  education   at   a  well  known  college  in  North 
Carolina.     He  did  speak  for  three  hours  with- 
out fatigue  (to  himself)  and  devoted  the  major 
part  of  his  eloquence  to  the  propriety  of  d 
tinuing    Latin    grammar    in    the    schools,    and 
called  attention  to  the  fact  that  he  had  never 
studied  any  grammar  but  the  English.     At  the 
conclusion  he  was  escorted  to  dinner  by  a  very 
plain-spoken,  common  sense  friend  of 
and  the  college. 

"What  do  you  think  of  my  views  as  to  ex- 
cluding   Latin    grammar    from    the    sch< 
asked  the  orator. 

"  You  had  no  need  to  tell  your  audience  that 
you  had  never  studied  Latin  grammar,"  was  the 
reply. 

"Why  not?  " 


206  van  ano  ftumor 

"Because  they  knew  that  if  you  had,  you 
would  have  spoken  thirty  minutes  instead  of 
three  hours." 


A  worthy,  unpretending  specimen  of  the  genus 
nouveau  riche  once  gave  a  dinner  party  to  Jesse 
Bledsoe,  the  brilliant  Senator  from  Kentucky, 
and  asked  a  number  of  prominent  men.  In  the 
course  of  it  the  man  who  sat  next  to  Mr.  Bled- 
soe, winked  significantly  at  him,  as  he  helped 
himself  liberally  a  second  time  to  some  dainty, 
and  said : 

"Fools  make  feasts,  and  wise  men  eat  them, 
you  know,  Senator." 

"Yes.  And  have  you  never  heard  that  '  wise 
men  make  speeches  and  fools  repeat  them '?  " 
replied  the  latter,  quick  as  thought,  disgusted 
with  his  neighbor's  want  of  regard  for  the  sacred- 
ness  of  the  salt. 

^  •%.  •%.  ^  $:  %. 

Among  the  quaint  characters  who  have  ap- 
peared from  time  to  time  in  the  Senate  of  the 
United  States  may  be  mentioned  Nesmith,  of 
Oregon.  Some  two  years  after  he  had  taken 
his  seat  he  was  recounting  to  Senator  Wade  his 
wonder  upon  first  seeing  the  Capitol  and  espe- 
cially the  still  greater  wonder  that  he  should  have 


ot  Bmcrtcan  Statesmen  U7 

been  honored   by  being  elected  a  member  of  so 
august  a  body. 

"  Well,"  said  Senator  Wade,  "  you  have 
here  a  couple  of  years  ;   what  du  you  think  of  it 
now  ?  ' ' 

''Think,"  replied  Nesmith  ;  "why  the  won- 
der to  me  now  is  how  you  and  so  many  other 
fellows  ever  managed  to  get  here." 


When  Senator  Reagan  was  in  Congress  from 
Texas  he  was  regarded  as    a   "hoodoo."      He 

had  a  habit  of  wandering  aimlessly  around  the 
floors  of  the   Senate   Chamber  and  then  sitting 
down  without  thinking  in  some  one  else's  chair. 
The  curious  part  of  it  was  that  whenever  he  sat 
down    in  a    fellow  Senator's  Beat   bad  luck  in- 
variably    followed.      When     ex-Senator     Kustis 
from  Louisiana  was  a  candidate  for  rede,  tioo 
Reagan  was  constantly  in  his  <  hair  and   he 
defeated.     Then   he  sat  one  day  in  Salisl 
seat  and  the  next  week  Salisbury  was  del 
Finally  the  members  began  talking  about  il 
Reagan  was  looked  upon  as  a  Jonah. 
1889  Senator  Harris  of  Ten:. 
hard   fight  for  reelection.     The  day  he  s' 
home  to  look  after  his  fences  he  called  the  I 
Senator  aside  and  said  : 


208  Wit  anD  Ibumor 

1 '  See  here,  old  man ;  while  I  am  not  super- 
stitious in  the  least,  still  you'll  do  me  a  favor  if 
you  will  keep  out  of  my  chair  when  I  am  away. ' ' 

Reagan  consented  and  Harris  was  reelected. 
Not  long  after  that  Reagan  sat  down  in  Ran- 
som's place  and  the  following  day  the  North 
Carolina  Senator  received  a  telegram  command- 
ing him  to  come  home  on  the  very  next  train ; 
that  serious  opposition  had  suddenly  sprung  up 
against  him  and  his  presence  was  demanded  at 
once.  Reagan  had  been  in  the  habit  of  sitting 
in  his  (Ransom's)  seat,  so  he  called  him  aside 
and  told  him  about  it,  plainly  intimating  that 
the  fact  that  he  had  been  using  his  chair 
caused  the  dissension.  Reagan  got  mad  and  said 
something  about  people  being  "darned  fools." 
Ransom  went  home  and  when  Reagan  went  into 
the  Senate  Chamber  the  next  morning  he  found 
that  Ransom's  chair  had  been  moved  away. 


Senator  W ,  of ,  built  a  fine  resi- 
dence in  Washington.  While  the  workmen  under 
the  Senator's  direction,  were  filling  up  alow  place 
in  the  grounds  near  the  house,  the  Senator  was 
asked  by  an  acquaintance  who  was  looking  on, 
"Where  will  you  get  dirt  enough  to  fill  that 
hole  with?" 


of  Hmcrtcan  Statesmen 

To  which  the  Senator  replied,   "When  . 
out  of  dirt  I  will  throw  in  some  of  the 
and  fill  up  with  them." 

One    of   the    "diggers,"    whose  memory  no 
doubt  went  back  to  last  election  day,  promptly 
responded  with,    "Yis,   an'  jist  afore  next  elec- 
shun    time    you'll    be    'round    diggm'    u 
agin.'" 


"I  remember  so  well  once  when  Joe  Black- 
burn and  I  were  on  the  same  committee, 

Senator? .     "  It  was  during  a  Democratic 

administration  and  there  had  been  a  good  deal 
of  bother  trying  to  get  the  Secretary  of  Agricul- 
ture to  agree  to  a  certain  thing,  and  Blackburn 
had  been  sent  to  talk  him  over  to  the  comm 
plan.  In  fact,  the  whole  Cabinet  had  been  dif- 
ficult to  deal  with.  When  Joe  came  back  sev- 
eral of  us  were  assembled  in  the  committer  : 
among  us  Senator  Vest,  who  was  sunk  dejectedly 
into  the  depths  of  an  armchair.  Some  one 
asked  : 

"  '  Well,  Joe,  did  you  succeed  ? ' 

"  *  Succeed? '  lie  echoed.     Then  he 
tramp  up  and  down  fuming  and  fuss  Finally 

he  broke  out : 

"  «  Of  all  the  obstinate  things  in  the  shape  of 


210  lUit  ano  Ibumot 

a  Cabinet  officer  I  ever  encountered,  commend 

me  to  J.  Sterling  Morton  !     Don't  you  agree 

with  me,  Vest  ?  ' 

"  Vest  roused  up  slowly  and  answered  : 

"  •  I'm  sorry,  Joe,  but  I  am  committed  to  Hoke 

Smith.'  " 


That  clever  and  brilliant  genius,  McDougall, 
who  represented  California  in  the  United  States 
Senate,  was  like  many  others  of  his  class  some- 
what addicted  to  fiery  stimulants,  and  unable  to 
battle  long  with  them  without  showing  the  effect 
of  the  struggle.  Even  in  his  most  exhausted 
condition  he  was,  however,  brilliant  at  repartee ; 
but  one  night,  at  a  supper  of  journalists  given  to 
the  late  George  D.  Prentice,  a  genius  of  the  same 
mould  and  the  same  unfortunate  habit,  he  found 
a  foeman  worthy  of  his  steel  in  General  John 
Cochrane.  McDougall  had  taken  offense  at 
some  anti-slavery  sentiments  which  had  been 
uttered — it  was  in  war  times — and  late  in  the 
evening  got  on  his  legs  for  the  tenth  time  to 
make  a  reply.  The  spirit  did  not  move  him  to 
utterance,  however ;  on  the  contrary,  it  quite 
-deprived  him  of  the  power  of  speech  ;  and  after 
an  ineffectual  attempt  at  a  speech  he  suddenly 
concluded  : 


ot  Bmertcan  Statesmen  211 

"  Those  are  my  sentiments,  sir,  and  my  name's 
McDougall." 

"  I  beg  the  gentleman's  pardon,"  said  General 
Cochrane,  springing  to  his  feet ;  "  but  what  was 
that  last  remark  ?  ' ' 

McDougall  pronounced  it  again  ;  "  my  name's 
McDougall." 

"  There  must  be  some  error,"  said  Cochrane, 
gravely.  "I  have  known  Mr.  McDougall  many 
years,  and  there  never  was  a  time  when  as  late 
as  twelve  o'clock  at  night  he  knew  what  his 
name  was." 

****** 

The  fact  that  Col.  Henry  Wilson,  United 
States  Senator,  from  Massachusetts,  was  willing 
to  accept  the  nomination  of  the  Republican 
party  for  the  Vice-Presidency  brought  out  the 
following  anecdote : 

When  the  Colonel  was  in  Boston,  raising  a 
regiment,  a  little  fellow  one  day  presented  him- 
self at  headquarters  and  asked  foraeommi 

"  Have  you  seen  service  ?  "  asked  Colonel  W. 

"  Yes,  Colonel,  I  was  in  the  three  months' 
service." 

"  Were  you  at  the  battle  of  Bull  Run  ?  " 

"I  was,  Colonel." 

Colonel  Wilson  has  a  delicate  vein  of  humor 
in  him  j  so  winking  at  his  staff,  he  asked, 


212  *Mit  anfc  Ibumor 

"  And  did  you  run  well  ?  " 

"I  used  due  diligence,  Colonel.  I  did  the 
best  I  could,  but  I  couldn't  keep  up  with  you, 
in  that  hack  !  " 

Then  there  was  another  laugh. 


CHAPTER  XVI 

Some  Reed  Anecdotes 

How  Tom  Reed  awoke  one  day,  or  rather 
read  the  newspapers  one  morning,  to  find  him- 
self famous,  is  pretty  generally  known.  Eighteen 
words  did  it.  Not  long  after  having  taken  his 
seat  in  Congress  he  was  making  a  little  speech, 
when  some  member  interrupted  him  with  an  an- 
noying question.  Reed  answered  him,  then  in 
his  high  nasal  tones  drawled  out:  "And  now 
having  embalmed  that  fly  in  the  liquid  amber 
of  my  remarks  I  will  go  on  again."  This  shaft 
of  wit  hit  the  newspaporial  bull's-eye,  and  from 
that  time  Tom  Reed's  name  was  a  familiar  one 
throughout  the  country. 


"Our    agricultural   community"   is  the  term 
Mr.  Reed  employed  to  designate  Farmer  Wade 
of   Missouri    and    Farmer    FunstOD  o\    K 
One  day  Reed  came  upon  the  farmer  Stat* 
as  they  were  discussing  some  disputed  point  with 
vigor.     Funston  was  just  saying  : 
313 


214  tUtt  and  •fcumor 

"  Well,  Wade,  I'll  bet  you  a  dollar." 

The  Missourian  didn't  respond  to  the  chal- 
lenge, and  Mr.  Reed  drawled  out  in  his  Yankee 
twang : 

"That  is  the  way  of  you  fellows  from  out 
West.  You  are  great  at  blowing,  but  that  is  all 
you  do.     You  don't  bet  anything  but  wind." 

Farmer  Wade  pulled  his  fist  out  of  his  breeches 
pocket,  opened  it,  and  showed  a  big  Bland  dol- 
lar in  the  palm. 

"  You  think  we  are  all  wind  out  West  ?  "  he 
said  to  Reed.      "  Now  match  this." 

With  true  New  England  deliberation  Mr. 
Reed  regarded  the  coin  for  a  quarter  of  a  min- 
ute. Then  he  slowly  produced  another  big 
dollar  and  laid  it  down.  They  didn't  match, 
and  Farmer  Wade  pocketed  both. 


Reed  was  one  of  the  Legislative  Committee 
sent  to  inspect  an  insane  asylum.  There  was  a 
dance  on  the  night  the  committee  spent  in  the 
investigation,  and  Mr.  Reed  took  for  a  partner 
one  of  the  fair  unfortunates  to  whom  he  was  in- 
troduced. "  I  don't  remember  having  seen  you 
here  before,"  said  she;  "how  long  have  you 
been  in  the  asylum  ?  "  "  Oh,  I  only  came  down 
yesterday,"  said  the  gentleman,  "as  one  of  the 


ot  Bmertcan  Statesmen  216 

Legislative  Committee."  "  Of  course,"  returned 
the  lady;  "how  stupid  I  am!  However,  I 
knew  you  were  an  inmate  or  a  member  of  the 
Legislature  the  moment  I  looked  at  you.  But 
how  was  I  to  know  ?  It  is  so  difficult  to  know 
which." 


Senatorial  five-minute  speeches  are  timed  by 
an  old-fashioned  time  glass.  When  a  Senator 
begins  his  remarks  the  glass  is  turned  so  that 
the  sands  begin  to  run.  When  the  last  grain 
drops  through  the  tiny  opening  the  Vice-  Presi- 
dent's gavel  descends,  and  the  stream  of  elo- 
quence is  cut  off  short.  This  led  Tom  Reed  to 
say,  "It  takes  sand  to  run  the  Senate." 


Ex-Speaker  Reed  has  been  compared  to  an 
overgrown  schoolboy  and  to  Shakespeare.  He 
objects  to  some  other  comparisons  of  a  more 
recent  date.  Not  long  ago  he  met  a  Cong 
man  under  the  arch  of  the  House  wing  of  the 
Capitol. 

"  See  here,"  said  the  then  Speaker  in  a  severe 
tone,  "this  thing  must  stop,  and  stop  now.  I 
shall  not  stand  it  any  longer." 

"What  is  the  matter?"  the  Congressman 
asked  in  some  alarm. 


216  van  anD  tmmot 

''Oh,  you  ought  to  know  very  well  what  is 
the  matter,"  was  the  reply.  "Haven't  you 
read  the  letter  written  to  some  of  the  Western 
Democracy  recently  by  Grover  Cleveland  ?  " 

"  No,"  responded  the  Congressman,  "  I  have 
not  read  it.     What  have  I  got  to  do  with  it  ?  " 

"  Everything,"  the  Speaker  answered.  "  You 
and  Springer  have  said  that  I  have  assumed  the 
role  of  Charles  I.  Cleveland  says  that  I  am 
acting  the  part  of  Oliver  Cromwell.  Now,  I'm 
as  good-natured  as  any  other  man,  and  I  can 
stand  a  great  deal.  I  can  be  either  Charles  I 
or  Oliver  Cromwell  if  you  like,  but  I'll  be 
hanged  if  I'll  undertake  to  assume  both  roles  at 
the  same  time.     Set  that  down." 


The  late  Representative  Crain  of  Texas  had  a 
characteristic  way  of  gaining  his  point  when  put 
to  it  that  is  well  illustrated  by  a  story  dating 
back  to  the  famous  Fifty-first  Congress  when 
Reed  was  making  his  reputation  as  "  czar." 

Col.  John  Willett,  an  old  pioneer  of  Texas, 
came  on  to  Washington  during  that  Congress  to 
get  an  appropriation  for  Padre  Island  harbor  in 
Texas  for  deep  water.  He  wanted  Crain,  in 
whose  district  the  harbor  is  located,  to  introduce 
the  bill,  but  the  Texas  member,  under  the  im- 


of  American  Statesmen  217 

pression  that  the  measure  had  no  prosper  ts  of 
passing,  refused  to  touch  it.     Hatch  of  Missouri, 

who  had  friends  interested  ill  the  enterprise, 
consented  to  introduce  the  bill,  and  to  the  sur- 
prise of  Crain  got  a  favorable  report  upon  it 
from  the  Rivers  and  Harbors  Committee. 

This  made  Crain  mad.  Hatch  proposed  as  a 
compromise  that  the  first  whom  Speaker  Reed 
should  recognize  should  pass  the  bill.  <  >ne 
morning  before  prayer  Crain  wrote  the  following 
note  to  the  Speaker  : 

Dear  Czar  : — Please  recognize  me  this 
morning  to  pass  a  little  water  bill,  that  I  may 
get  out  of  hot  water.  The  gentleman  from 
Missouri  (Hatch)  has  laid  a  crow's  egg  in 
Grain's  nest  and  I  want  to  Hatch  it  out  this 
morning.  Yours  truly, 

\v.  H.  Crain. 

As  soon  as  prayer  was  over  and  the  journal 
read   and  approved,  a  dozen  members   ro 
their   feet   for   recognition,  but    high   and 
above  the  din  and  confusion  rose  the  Speaker's 
voice  : 

"The  gentleman  from  Texas."  Crain  got 
what  he  wanted. 


CHAPTER  XVII 

Ways  and  Means 

Ex-Governor  Waite  of  Colorado  is  an 
original  character  and  while  he  has  broad  the- 
ories as  to  national  finance,  he  had  never  been 
able  to  make  a  personal  application  of  these 
theories  to  the  extent  of  accumulating  much 
filthy  lucre.  The  ex-governor's  son-in-law  is  a 
highly  respected  newspaper  editor  and  proprietor 
and  has  always  been  a  stanch  Republican  in 
politics. 

When  Waite  became  the  candidate  of  the 
Populists  for  Governor,  his  son-in-law  had  a 
hard  proposition  to  solve.  As  a  Republican  he 
could  not  consistently  vote  for  the  Populist  can- 
didate, much  less  could  he  advocate  his  election 
editorially,  but  as  a  loyal  and  affectionate  rela- 
tive he  was  bound  to  give  both  his  vote  and 
voice  to  his  father-in-law.  While  the  struggle 
was  going  on  in  his  mind  a  friend  approached 
him  and  said  : 

• '  Your  father-in-law  is  a  Populist,  you  are  a 
Republican.     Are   you  going  to  support    your 
father-in-law  during  this  campaign  ?  " 
218 


ct  Hmerican  Statesmen  319 

The  editor  pondered  a  moment  and  then  re- 
plied :   "As  I  have  supported  him  for  the  last 

five  years,  I  don't  see  any  reason  why  1  should 
change  my  course  now." 


A  gentleman,  not  at  all  wealthy,  who  had  at 
one  time  represented  in  Congress,  through  a 
couple  of  terms,  a  district  not  far  from  the 
national  capital,  moved  to  California  where  in  a 
year  or  so  he  rose  to  be  sufficiently  prominent 
to  become  a  congressional  subject,  and  he  was 
visited  by  the  central  committee  of  his  district 
to  be  talked  to. 

"  We  want  you,"  said  the  spokesman,  "  to 
accept  the  nomination  for  Congress." 

"  I  can't  do  it,  gentlemen,"  he  responded 
promptly. 

"You  must,"  the  spokesman  demanded. 

"But  I  can't,"  he  insisted.     "  I'm  too  poor." 

"Oh,  that  will  be  all  right ;  we' 
of  money  for  the  campaign." 

"But  that  is  nothing."  contended  the  gentle- 
man ;  "it's  the  expense  in  Washington.  I've 
been  there,  and  know  about  it." 

"Well  you  didn't  lose  by  it,  and   . 
cost  any  more  because  you  come  fro: 
nia." 


220  imtt  anD  Ibumor. 

The  gentleman  became  very  earnest. 

"Doesn't  it?"  he  exclaimed  in  a  business- 
like tone.  "  Why,  my  dear  sirs,  I  used  to  have 
to  send  home  every  month  about  half  a  dozen 
busted  office-seeker  constituents,  and  the  fare 
was  only  £3  apiece,  and  I  could  stand  it,  but  it 
would  cost  me  over  $100  a  head  to  send  them 
out  here,  and  I'm  no  millionaire ;  therefore,  as 
much  as  I  regret  it,  I  must  insist  on  declining." 
%.  #  *  *  *  # 

Holman,  of  Indiana,  for  many  years  waged 
vigilant  and  unrelenting  war  on  amendments  to 
appropriation  bills,  which  gave  him  the  name 
of  the  "  Watchdog  of  the  Treasury."  He  was 
very  strong  in  his  district  and  had  an  unusually 
long  service  which  gave  him  great  power  and 
influence  in  the  House,  by  his  knowledge  of  the 
rules  and  practice. 

Towards  the  end  of  his  term  an  amendment 
was  offered  in  which  a  near  relative  was  much 
interested.  The  familiar  "I  object,"  was  not 
heard  and  the  amendment  went  through  with  his 
support ;  whereupon  a  member  sitting  near  ex- 
claimed : 

"  'Tis  sweet  to  hear  the  honest  watchdog's  bark 
Bay  deep-mouthed  welcome  as  we  draw  near  home  !  " 


ot  Smencan  Statesmen  221 

The  Rev.  Mr.  Jones  met  an  old  free  silver 
mollusk  one  day  in  one  of  his  walks. 

"Jones,"  said  the  mollusk,  "where  is  all 
that  prosperity  that  you  were  going  to  give  us?  " 

"  Why,"  replied  the  clergyman,  "  it  is  every- 
where. Labor  is  employed  ;  capital  is  active ; 
the  railroads  are  overburdened;  there  is  pros- 
perity everywhere." 

"It  has  not  struck  me  yet,"  the  mollusk  ob- 
served. 

"Well,  you  know,"  Jones  answered,  "it  is 
pretty  hard  to  hit  nothing." 


A  Western  politician  has  announced  himself 
as  heartily  in  favor  of  Prohibition  government, 
merely  as  an  experiment. 

"  It  would  be  worth  while  to  try  it,"  he 
"just  to  see  if  under  its  rule  money  could  get 
as  tight  as  it  has  been  under  the  other  parties." 


The  following  clever  skit  is  entitled  "  Extra  ts 
from  a  Congressman's  Conscience/'  and  recently 
appeared  in  Puck.  It  portrays  the  gradual  con- 
version,— or  perversion, — of  the  average  private 
citizen  as  revealed  by  his  gradual  shiftings  o\  po- 
sition until  black  seems  white: 


222  *CUit  ano  tmmor 

As  a  Private  Citizen. 
''Politics    is    rotten    to    the   core;     and    the 
wrongs  of  the  oppressed  cry  aloud  to  heaven. 
But  there  is  no  hope." 

As  a  Possible  Candidate. 
"Politics  is  rotten  to  the  core;  but  if  a  few 
men  of  incorruptible  integrity  were  to  be  elected 
to  office  the  wrongs  of  the  oppressed  might  be 
righted." 

As  a  Nominee. 
"Politics  is  rotten  to  the  core,  and  even  the 
man  who  has  the  wrongs  of  the  oppressed  always 
at  heart  and  upon  his  tongue  must  pay  for  his 
election. ' ' 

As  a  Congressman-Elect. 
"At  last  politics  is  less  rotten  by  one  honest 
man  who  will  wage   unceasing  war  to  right  the 
wrongs  of  the  oppressed.     But  what  a  crimp  the 
boys  did  throw  into  my  bank-roll !  " 

ist  Week  in  Congress. 
"The  rottenness  of  politics  is  appalling. 
Mentioned  the  wrongs  of  the  oppressed  in  one 
of  the  cloak-rooms  of  the  House  to-day  and  no- 
ticed a  smile  on  the  faces  of  all  the  old  mem- 
bers." 


of  Hmerican  Statesmen  223 

2d  Week. 

"I  see  a  chance  to  right  the  wrongs  of  the 
oppressed.  The  notorious  Universal  (  ontrol 
Company,  the  new  syndicate  of  all  the  Trusts, 
has   a  bill   up,  and  what  a  warm  wallop  I  am 

writing  against  it  !  " 

3d  Week. 

"  Great  Scott !  what  it  does  cost  to  live  in 
Washington!  Rent  alone  $1,700.  I  see  the 
early  finish  of  my  $5,000  per.  An  emissary  of 
the  Universal  Control  Company  hinted  an  infa- 
mous proposition  to  me  to-day." 

4II1  Week. 

"Politics  is  rotten  but  interesting.      Wonder 
where  all  these  fellows  get  their  money.      Went 
last  night   to  a  swell  stag-dinner  given   by  the 
Universal  Control  man.     Some  regular  toi  . 
sauce    vaudeville    turns    between    the    cotu 
Hope  my  constituents  won't  get  on." 

s7//  Week. 

"Mark,   himself,  lias    been   to   see   me  about 
that  bill.      A   man  really  ought  to  look  at  both 
sides  of  a  question  and  stay  by  the  Grand 
Party  if  possible." 


224  miit  ano  Ibumor 

6th  Week. 

"  Ye  Gods  1  it  does  cost  to  live  in  Washing- 
ton !  I  seem  to  be  about  the  only  lobster  in  my 
set.  I  don't  hear  any  of  the  others  worrying 
about  money.  They're  all  going  to  boost  that 
bill,  by  the  way.     Politics  is " 

7th  Week. 
"  I'm  afraid  the  wrongs  of  the  oppressed  are 
largely  imaginery.  Say  !  what  Washington  life 
does  to  £5,000  a  year  is  a  sin  and  a  shame  ! 
That  Universal  Control  man  seems  to  be  a  very 
nice  sort  of  a  fellow." 

8th  Week. 
"No  man  can  live  on  his  Congressional  sal- 
ary. Wish  my  constituents  wouldn't  be  so  im- 
patient. It  takes  time  to  right  the  wrongs  of 
the  oppressed.  Am  almost  convinced  the  Uni- 
versal Control  Company  would  prove  their  real 
benefactors  in  the  end." 

pth  Week. 
"What  ever  I  am,  I  am  not  cheap.     Shall 
battle  against  the  infamous  Universal  Control 
Company  to  the  bitter  end.     The  wrongs  of  the 
oppressed  must  be  righted." 


ot  Bmcncan  Statesmen  225 

10th  Week. 
"  Voted  for  the  Universal  Bill  after  all.  Think 
it  will  be  for  the  real  good  of  the  down-trodden. 
Set  up  a  stable  and  wired  my  wife  to  come  on 
and  open  her  social  campaign.  Guess  I  will 
manage  to  meet  the  expense.  Did  not  deliver 
my  ringing  speech  against  the  bill,  but  have  had 
it  printed  in  the  Congressional  Record  and  sent 
a  marked  copy  to  the  Back  Home  Banner. 
Universal  Control  Company  composed  of  very 
nice  gentlemen." 

Near  the  Term's  End. 
"  Politics  is  all  right  after  you  once  learn  the 
rules  of  the  game.  Washington  is  the  only 
place  of  residence  and  living  is  comparatively 
cheap,  too,  considering.  By  the  way,  I  must 
begin  to  get  together  some  more  of  old  salve 
about  the  wrongs  of  the  oppressed.  I  want  to 
come  back." 


Jonathan  P.  Dolliver,  of  Iowa,  is  perhaps  best 
known  by  his  peroration  on  the  question  of  ad- 
mitting American   pork  into  European  markets. 

"I  hope  the  time  will  come,"  he  said, 
"when  the  American  hog  with  a  curl  of  con- 
tentment in   his  tail  and  a  smile  of  pleasure  on 


226  mtt  ano  Dumot 

his  face  may  travel  untrammeled  through  the 
markets  of  the  world." 


The  Democrats  had  a  clear  working  majority 

in  Illinois,  for  a  number  of  years.     But 

when  the  Fifteenth  Amendment  went  into  effect  it 
enfranchised  so  many  of  the  "  culled  bredren  " 
as  to  make  it  apparent  to  the  party  leaders  that 
unless  a  good  many  black  votes  could  be  bought 
up,  the  Republicans  would  carry  the  city  elec- 
tion.    Accordingly  advances  were  made  to  the 

Rev.    Brother    ,  whose  influence    it  was 

thought  desirable  to  secure,  inasmuch  as  he  was 
certain  to  control  the  votes  of  his  entire  church. 

He  was  found  ''open  to  conviction,"  and  ar- 
rangements progressed  satisfactorily  until  it  was 
asked  how  much  money  would  be  necessary  to 
secure  his  vote  and  influence. 

With  an  air  of  offended  dignity  Brother 

replied  : 

"Now,  gemmen,  as  a  regular  awdained  min- 
ister ob  de  Baptist  Church  dis  ting  has  gone 
jes  as  far  as  my  conscience  will  'low;  but,  gem- 
men,  my  son  will  call  round  to  see  you  in  de 
mornin'." 

****** 

In  "The  domestic  life  of  Thomas  Jefferson," 


et  American  Stateemen 

may  lie  found  an   incident   which   i 

instance  probably  in  our  fe  leral  legislation 
where  the  personal  comforts  of  statesmen  have 
been    satisfied    and    the    expense    «  barged    to 
"  fuel  "  or  "  stationery.11     They  found  out  how 
to  fix  it  in  the  very  first  session  of  the  first  Con- 
tinental Congress.     While  that  1 
session  Delegate  Harrison  o(  Virginia,  desiring 
to  "take  something "  went  with  a  friend 
certain   place   where    supplies   were    turn 
Congress,   and  ordered   two  glasses  of  bi 
and  water.     The  man   in  charge  hesitated  and 
replied   that  liquors   were  not   included  in  the 
supplies  furnished  Congressmen. 

"Why,"  said  Harrison,  "what  is  it,  then, 
that  I  see  the  New  England  members  come  here 
and  drink  ?  " 

••  Molasses  and  water,  which  they  have 
charged  as  stationery,"  was  the  reply. 

"Then   give  me  the  brandy  and  water,' 
Harrison,  "  and  charge  it  as  fuel." 


I  luring  the  sessions  of  the  ( 
for  the  purpose  ^(  framing  i   C      tirul 

Colorado,    the    question    under    >: 

formation  of  the  Legislature 

desired  to  have  the  body  very  small,  in  order  to 


228  TOt  ano  Ibumor 

save  expense,  and  certainly  laid  themselves  open 
to  the  charge  of  saving  at  the  spigot  and  wast- 
ing at  the  bung.     The  debate  had  gone  on  for 

some   time,   Judge  B somewhat   tinctured 

with  Grangerism,  vigorously  supporting  the 
motion.  After  he  had  shown  the  terrible  drain 
the   "dear  people,"  would  suffer  by  having  a 

few  more  members,  old  Judge  C from  the 

mountains  rose  slowly,  and  after  disclaiming  any 
intention  of  being  personal  said  :  "  Mr.  Chair- 
man, there  are  some  people,  sir,  so  mean,  so 
tenacious,  that,  sir,  they  would  squeeze  the 
eagle  on  an  old-fashioned  ten-cent  piece  until 
the  claws  of  the  proud  bird  stuck  through  on  to 
the  other  side,  and  involuntarily  scratched  the 
face  of  the  Goddess  of  Liberty." 
The  proposed  measure  was  lost. 


Down  South  one  of  the  treasurers  of  a  polit- 
ical campaign  is  the  joint  debate  between  can- 
didates. The  second  time  John  Allen  was  up 
for  Congress  his  opponent  challenged  him  to  a 
discussion  of  finance.  Allen  accepted.  His 
rival  was  a  banker  and  had  been  in  Congress 
himself  on  a  former  day;  in  fact  Allen  suc- 
ceeded him.  They  met  at  an  immense  mass- 
meeting.     The  fame  of  the  great  proposed  de- 


of  Bmcrtcan  Statesmen 

bate  on   finance  had  spread,  and  all  that   pirt 
of    Mississippi   laid  aside   its  labor   and 
around  the  contestants   to  listen.     Allen' 
ponent    led    off.      He    started   into  the  money 
question    like   a   cow    into  a  swamp    and  kept 
stepping  higher  and  splashing  steadily  ahead  in 
a  straight  line.     He  began  back  with  Alexander 
Hamilton  who  smote  the  rock  of  the  country's 
resources     and      streams    oi     revenue    g 
forth,     and  came  thundering  down  tl 
aisle    of   the    financial    past,    until    he   finally 
brought    himself    and    his    hearers  to  the  very 
hour  when  he  and  Allen  came  together  in  that 
particular  joint  debate.      When  he  took  h: 
he    was    cheered   by    a    hurricane    yA   plaudits. 
Then  Allen  arose  : 

"My   friends,"   said   Allen,    "I   will   not  at- 
tempt   to    turn   page  after   page  of  the  w 
financial  history  a<  has  our  friend.      I  shall  (  on- 
fine  myself  to  a  few  plain   statement 
which  all  of  you  will  re  it  o:k  e  .is  true, 

and  then  I  will  make  this  meeting 
which  is  so  fair,  so  just,  SO  sensible,  that  I  - 
none    will    reject    it.      Von    all    recall   DO* 
friend  served  you  in  Congress  as  the  R 
ative  of  this  district.      Upon   his  while 

there   I  will    make  no  comment,  alth. 
tell   by  the  cloud   which  has  so  suddenly  fallen 


230  "Uait  ano  tmmot 

on  the  face  of  this  meeting  that  it  is  still  green 
in  your  memories.  But  I  will  call  your  atten- 
tion to  this  notable  fact.  Upon  his  return  from 
the  halls  of  legislation,  and  to  private  life,  he  at 
once  opened  a  bank,  and  entered  upon  a  bril- 
liant career  of  lending  money  and  shaving 
notes.  It  was  then  I  was  selected  by  your 
suffrages  to  appear  as  your  representative  in  the 
councils  of  the  nation.  That  was  two  years 
ago.  I  will  not  dwell  on  my  record,  for  mod- 
esty forbids.  I  will  instead  let  fame,  with  her 
thousand  eager  tongues,  speak  in  my  behalf. 
What  I  will  lead  you  to  is  this  most  remarkable 
circumstance  : 

"The  moment  I  came  back  I  sought  the  bank 
of  our  friend  and  borrowed  every  dollar  he 
would  lend  me.  That  shows  you  the  wide 
abyss  which  separates  my  character  as  well  as 
my  methods  from  those  of  my  opponent.  Now 
for  the  proposition,  and  I  will  say  in  advance 
if  it  be  accepted,  as  I  feel  sure  will  be  the  case, 
I  will  bow  meekly  to  the  outcome.  As  I  have 
stated,  our  friend  came  back  from  Congress  and 
went  to  lending  money.  I  came  back  from 
Cbngress  and  began  to  borrow  it.  Now,  let  the 
district  divide  on  those  lines.  Let  those  who 
borrow  money  come  close  about  me  in  their 
support.     I  am    of  their    tribe;    bone  of  their 


of  Hmcrfcan  Statesmen  j:;i 

bone.  Let  those  who  loan  money  go  to  the 
standard  of  my  friend.  Let  their  votes  be 
given  him,  for  he  belongs  to  them  and  they  to 
him.  Let  these  things  be  done,"  concluded 
Mr.  Allen,  "and  I  will  accept  my  fate  with 
fortitude  and  meekness."  Allen  went  back  to 
Congress. 

*  *  *  *  *  :•' 

Concerning  "back  pay,"  an  amusing  inci- 
dent occurred  just  at  the  close  of  a  former  ses- 
sion of  Congress.  The  House  generously  voted 
to  pay  committee  clerks  for  the  whole  of  March, 
though  the  sessions  only  continued  four  days  of 
that  month.  The  officers  charged  with  dis- 
bursements made  up  the  bills  promptly,  and  in- 
stead of  letting  the  clerks,  in  the  usual  course, 
take  the  bills  to  their  chairman  for  approval, 
they  themselves  took  them  around  for  that  pur- 
pose. The  officer  who  took  the  bill  of  the  clerk 
of  the  Committee  on  Banking  and  Current  v.  of 
which  the  Hon.  Samuel  Hooper  is  chairman,  is 
reported  to  have  had  the  following  colloquy  : 

Mr.  Hooper.      "  What  is  this  ?  " 

Officer.      "  It     is    Mr.    F 's    bill    for    the 

month  of  Man  h.  The  House  has  voted  to  pay 
committee  clerks  for  tin-  whole  month." 

Mr.  Hooper.  "  Why  do  you  bring  it  to 
me?" 


232  "Unit  ano  fnimor 

Officer.  "  We  want  to  settle  our  accounts, 
and  so  are  getting  the  bills  all  approved  our- 
selves, instead  of  waiting  for  the  clerks  to  at- 
tend to  them." 

Mr.  Hooper  (hesitatingly).  "Well,  I  guess 
you  may  as  well  let  my  clerk  bring  this  to  me. 
I  should  like  to  see  him.  I  haven't  had  a  sight 
of  him  for  about  a  month." 


The  following  authentic  anecdote  of  the  late 
Thaddeus  Stevens  (contributed  by  a  prominent 
ex-member  of  Congress)  contains  a  grain  of 
pure  Attic  salt,  which  everybody  may  relish : 

John  F.  Driggs,  representing  the  Lake  Su- 
perior mining  district  of  Michigan,  was  particu- 
larly jubilant  over  the  passage  of  a  bill  impo- 
sing a  higher  rate  of  duty  on  copper,  in  which 
his  constituents  were  deeply  interested,  and  Mr. 
Stevens,  in  his  habitual  vein  of  sarcastic  humor, 
was  "chaffing"  him  about  it,  alleging,  among 
other  things,  that  he  had  gotten  his  bill  through 
by  bribery.  (This  was  an  allusion  to  some 
nuggets  of  virgin  copper,  rudely  moulded  into 
the  form  of  paper-weights,  which  Driggs  had 
distributed  among  members  with  whom  he  was 
personally  intimate  as  souvenirs  of  the  mineral 
wealth  of  his  district.) 


ot  American  Statesmen 

Upon  that  hint  of  "  bribery,"  Mr.  Stevens's 
colleague  from  the  Berks  County  district  spoke 
up.  "By  the  way,  Mr.  Stevens,  Driggs  gave 
me  one  of  those  paper-weights,  and  I  voted  for 
his  bill.  Tell  me — your  experience  is  so  much 
greater  than  mine — can  I  take  it  home  with  me 
and  keep  it  without  being  accused  of  accepting 
a  bribe?" 

"  Well,  yes,"  was  the  reply  uttered  with  all 
the  gravity  of  a  judge  pronouncing  an  "opin- 
ion," "  you  can  keep  it  as  it  is,  but,  as  you 
value  your  good  name,  don't  have  it  coined  into 
pennies.*' 


L  006  619  404  4 


B     000  018  532     2 


